My Visit to DC's "Let's Talk Live!"

First off, DC's ABC station WJLA and its sister station, NewsChannel8, have some of the best newsroom digs I've seen. The newsroom is as big as a football field.
Everything feels fresh and new. The ceilings are just high enough so that the writers and producers can feel as if they're not really working in an office but low enough to give them something to complain about. And they actually have windows. Big bullet-proof ones that actually have a view.

I wasn't able to sneak a peek into the kitchen, but I'm guessing they might even have one of those fancy Keurig coffee machines or maybe even those drink machines where you can just press a button to add yummy flavors like vanilla or cherry. It was all beautiful. Although I was surprised they didn't have a green room. Or maybe they were just using that room to host the First Lady or some other fancy person currently taking residence in my hometown. Like Pauly Shore.

Every time I walk into a television station I can't help but wonder if they have any job openings. It's true! After 13 years behind the camera, I'm still adjusting to being on the other side of the screen. For the last few years I've been visiting stations around the country talking about first dates, relationships, and my book. I still get nervous. But thankfully the anchors and producers are always there to make me feel comfortable, and I feel like I'm finally getting used to the goopy HD makeup and wearing high heels on set instead of slippers. But don't get me wrong, parts of me still miss the craziness in the control room. I heard there's a producer opening on the morning show...

Three Real Estate Tricks to Help Your Online Dating Profile

Recently a couple friends asked me to take a look at their online dating profiles and give some feedback. "What's wrong with it?" they asked. One woman could tell that men had checked out her profile but hadn't shown any interest by sending her emails or online flirts. The other mentioned that no one had looked at hers in a while.
From the looks of their profiles, there was nothing wrong at all. Both had cute pictures. They both seemed smart, fun, and liked to travel.

How could I help? I thought back to three lessons I learned, not from dating, but from real estate.
Little known secret about me: I'm a bit of a real estate nerd. My interest goes back to the early days when my best friend's mom dragged us to all her listings. Then I inherited my first property when I was 18. Instant landlord.
Love for real estate multiplied.
I'm lucky to be married to a man who enjoys our weekly game play of "guess the listing price" while we tour several open houses on Sunday afternoons. He even likes working on houses with me.
Last year, we spent six weeks in Portland, Oregon prepping two houses that I'd owned for a dozen years or so. We were selling in a tough market, but both homes sold in a snap. One house even found a buyer in less than a DAY.
I give the credit to my realtor, Toni Mikel, a no-nonsense badass who grew up in the real estate business and swore she'd never be a realtor herself. (Hey, sometimes we can't help but be great at what fate tempts us with.) She defies every realtor stereotype, forgoing those hairspray-helmet-looking bobs and pearly baubles and instead dons unassuming jeans and a cute top. She probably has a couple tattoos.
What I'm certain of is that she's the smartest realtor among the hundreds I've met over the years. Toni's advice on selling our homes was paramount. She made our listings stand out among the rest. Not only that, she helped me apply her lessons to dating and relationships - a bad habit that I'm hoping somehow helps you. From those lessons, are these: Three secrets that I learned about home selling that anyone can apply to their online dating profile.

Invest in your product - and then in great pictures

Ready for sale! Beautiful - and smells clean and fresh!

I was always raised with the attitude that you leave something nicer than you found it. I can't say the same for my renters. When we first arrived in Portland, both homes were disgusting, having been rented to people with big, stinky, dirty dogs. I could smell the dogs before even entering the house. It was so gross. And I was terrified. What have they done to my gorgeous homes? Nothing a little sprucing couldn't fix (okay, a LOT of sprucing).
We spent six weeks prepping both homes. The houses got fresh paint throughout and were spiffed with flattering landscaping and new light fixtures. One house got a new roof. Another got brand new carpeting. Both were staged just enough to make the main rooms look good and give an idea of depth, spacing, and cleanliness. Neither was overdone. Just simple enough to look inviting.

custom tile in the entryway

Warm, welcoming living room

We had one of the northwest's best industrial artists, Brian King, come design tilework for our front porch, the foyer, and the hearthstone in front of the fireplace. (Brian also happens to be a good friend of mine, so we wanted his personal touch involved somehow).

Just the right amount of fresh paint and yard work

In some ways, Toni probably thought we were doing too much work, but we didn't want to leave Portland feeling as if we could have done just a little extra work to nab a buyer. That's just the way my personality works. I have to admit, I've felt the way about all my relationships; I never wanted to walk away without feeling like I'd given it my all.


Toni kept emphasizing that we MUST put the most focus on what will flatter our homes in pictures.

In real estate, good pictures lure buyers to GO VISIT.
Same thing for online profiles. If someone likes your picture, they will want to see you IN PERSON.

Showcase your best features with detailed descriptions

What makes you different? And how specific can you be?

large living room in my 1978 high ceiling home

When we decided to sell these houses, it was time to highlight their features. Each had its own unique qualities.
One had some cool, funky aspects to it that's common in homes built in the 70s. Instead of hiding those qualities, we made them stand out. We boasted about its high ceilings, wide windows, and the natural light that flowed throughout. We emphasized the home's open concept kitchen/living/dining area, which is popular among buyers these days.

Bathroom in my 1943 cottage

The other home was a cute, charming cottage with lots of original charm from the 40s, including those cute crystal doorknobs, the original double-paned windows with pulleys, and a beautiful wide arch transitioning from the kitchen to the dining room. The bathroom even had the original cast iron tub, tiles, and sink.

Each home would cater to a different buyer.

Like those homes, you have your unique qualities too.
One size doesn't fit all. Highlight what's unique about you. And be specific.

For instance, you might be tempted to list "travel" as one of your interests. But lots of people love to travel. How has your traveling shaped who you are?

One of my friends posted something like this about her travel:

I travel a lot for work. I love the Canary Islands and I had a great time in Brazil. I also want to go to Chile and someday would love to go to Australia.

Not bad. We get the idea - you've been able to travel a lot.  Way better than just saying, "I love to travel," right? But what if there what if there's even more details about why the Canary Islands are so awesome? Think about the quick stories and details you can share. Did you find yourself wandering into a neighborhood where locals invited you in their home for dinner? Did you meet a 100 year old man who danced with you past midnight? Did you eat a cockroach? Did you actually like it? Here's an idea of how I would suggest zazzing up the travel-lover's profile:

I've been spoiled with one of those supersized 50-page passports for my job. On my work's dime, I've dipped my toes in the Aegean Sea. I've danced in the fire circles in Rwanda. And I hope someday to  take a long vacation, cash in some savings, and finally pet a lion while on an African safari.

See the difference?
Try to apply this idea of small details and stories to the rest of your profile. It doesn't need to be a long, annoying story. Just try to give some more details instead of adjectives, since we all think of them differently. For instance, the word "blue" might bring a different color to your mind than mine.

You could have thought of this color, when really I was meaning this one.

Adjectives can lack the details you want. For instance, if you're looking for someone "smart, funny, and kind" - that could be anyone. But if you're to say you want someone "who has the brains of Malcolm Gladwell, the wit of John Stewart and the heart of Tony Robbins," that paints a different picture than if you were to say you wanted someone "as smart as your mechanic who can always translate your car's funny noises into a prescription, as funny as Jack Black (in School of Rock - not Nacho Libre) and as sweet as your uncle who always calls you 'Puddin'."
Both descriptions give a very different vision of who you are.


Remove, Revise, Relist

Okay, so let's say you have the world's best profile with amazing pictures and details that would make anyone say, "I WANT YOU," and still - no bites. Here's a lil' realtor trick that will put you back at the top of the stack.

First step - Save a backup of your profile somewhere on your computer.
Step two - DELETE. Yes, take your profile off that site. Your profile's been gathering virtual dust for weeks and it needs something new. Take it down.
Step three - Check for revisions. Have you taken up a new hobby in the past few weeks? Taken any new pictures? In the real estate world, this would be the time when sellers will drop the price, make updates on the house and take new pictures, or just sit tight. Or sometimes they won't make any changes. And if you choose to do so, no worries. Because what's most important is...
Step four - Relist. This will put you back on the site as a "new member," which will get you more views in the first few hours than you've been getting in the last two weeks. Savvy profile hunters will remember you from before. As for the rest, they'll think you're new to the online scene and won't realize that you're already a pro. You sneaky snake.

Hopefully that leads to your final/first step - the first date. Remember, online sites are great for searching, but it's important to meet in real life for a meet-and-greet. Get out of the chatroom and into the coffee house. And let me know how it goes.

I'm happy to take a look at the profiles of the first twenty people who email me: 31datesin31days@gmail.com

Happy dating!

Going Green With Your Dating

Have you recycled your exes?

Typically when I hear about a passionate couple having an intense breakup I tend to believe it's only their first round of several breakups. But what about those old flames who pop back into your life after a long sabbatical?

Today I heard this dating phenomenon referred to as being a "green dater." How many times have you gone green? Or are you a person who is truly DONE when you're done?

Ten Pre-Marriage Tips

After nearly 20 years of marriage, Ann Smith, Executive Director of Breakthrough at Caron, is sharing 10 tips for those people who are considering marriage. I'm curious what you think about her suggestions, especially point number THREE.
Here are her 10 points to review before marriage (and a link for further explanation):
1. Know yourself and your pattern in relationships.

2. Listen carefully to what your new partner says in the first hours and days after meeting.


3. Ignore the fact that you have chemistry.


4. Ask yourself if you could live with this individual exactly as they are today even on their worst days, for the rest of your life.


5. After a few months have passed, notice how you feel about yourself when you are with your partner.


6. Be honest about what this person does not have that you had hoped for in a long term mate.


7. Observe your partner's capacity for love in the rest of his/her life. Also observe your own.


8. Know what your goals and dreams are and commit to keeping them and taking responsibility for your own fulfillment.


9. Get input from those who know you and listen to their feedback.


10. No matter how confident and secure you are in your life as it is, prepare yourself for change.
 

Choice and Accountability

I work with a couple dozen teenage girls here in Los Angeles, and one of the things we talk about a lot is "choice and accountability" - making choices and accepting the consequences and results of our actions.

Today I ran across this video from an African-American woman calling out black women for the way they're treated by men. "We need some accountability," she says, claiming that many black women are making poor choices in the men they date and need to acknowledge those poor choices.
The video from Lydia Cotton is getting reaction from men and women of all races. The woman speaking claims that we need to treat ourselves better and allow men into our lives who will treat us well.

The video is ten minutes long. Let me know what you think.

Would You Go Out With This Guy AGAIN?

We've all messed up when it comes to trying to snag a second date with someone. We're unsure whether the person will want to go. We wonder whether those cues they were sending were signs of actual interest or them "just being nice." It's a little confusing.
But then we make a choice. How far do we go to get that person to pay attention to us?


One woman posted a unique attempt by one guy hoping to get a second date. Apparently the girl had tickets to the philharmonic, but ended up going alone when her friend bailed at the last minute. That's where she met a guy and ended up going out on ONE date with him. Apparently he called, texted, and then tracked down her email, hoping to get a second date. Here's the 1,604 word email she posted from him on reddit.com.

Hi Lauren,



I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.


FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can't see someone's body language or tone of voice in an email. I'm not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I'm honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.


I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.


Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:


-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.


-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.


-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.


-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.


In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.


Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).


I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.


Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again. Normally, I wouldn't ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don't want to go again, then apparently you didn't think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I've gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I'm not a serial dater. Sometimes, I've only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.


I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.


If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I'm sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.


If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

New Dating Site Features Most Eligible Singles One Day at a Time

Remember how some of those old movies like "Meet Me In St. Louis" showed men lining up to get their names on a woman's dance card? At formal balls during the 19th century, women would tie the little booklets around their wrists along with a pencil. As men would ask her if she were available for a dance that evening, she would write his name on the dance card. This was a great way for men to make sure they'd get to spend time with the women they were interested in. Maybe it wasn't as great for the women who weren't as coveted... And it also likely proved problematic for women who had no excuse to deny an unwanted partner a dance.

A new dating site (launching in New York City now before kicking off around the rest of the world) operates a little like those fancy dance cards but with a mediator to tell the bozos wanting dances, "Sorry, her dance card is full." The site is called Black Book 365 and is the brainchild of some savvy overachievers who wanted to weed out the non-committal duds they found on most other dating sites. No instant messaging. No constant barrage of emails from guys who ask "Can I see your picture?" Instead, this site has a matchmaking crew to help whittle the list of interested people for you.

So here's how it works: Every day, Black Book 365 will feature one of the city's most eligible bachelors along with one of its most desireable bachelorettes. Each of the featured singles pays for their day in the spotlight which includes an interview session with the website matchmakers and a professional photo shoot. Then, anyone who's signed up for the site with their own (free) profile can show their interest in going out on a first date with that person by submitting a "calling card" (which sounds kind of like a hidden "like" button that only the system administrators can see). Then the matchmakers take a look at all the people who "liked" the featured man or woman of the day and narrow the list to 25 of the top matches.

The site just kicked off a couple weeks ago in New York. It will arrive in 25 more cities around the world within the next year.

What do you think? Does this sound like something you'd be interested in doing?

Dating Tip? Wear RED



Our wedding, January 2010
StyleMePretty.com



Red has long been my favorite color. I love the rich, deep, warm scarlet tones. When I told my mother I would have gold tones with red as an accent color at my wedding she seemed confused. "Like at a Chinese wedding?"

Uh... not exactly. (You tell me. Did I hit the mark with this?) 

Little did I know I was decorating my reception with the color that naturally triggers lust and love. I guess it makes sense, since we "paint the town red" during the most loving times of the year: Valentine's Day and Christmas.

So...

This holiday season, if you're looking for love, maybe you just need to add a little color to your wardrobe. Just like bulls and vampires, apparently humans are also naturally lured by the color red. Studies have shown that men and women have physioogical reactions to the color. So it could be worth a shot - when all else fails, wear red. 

According to eFlirtExpert, "Psychological studies find that red is a stimulant for men, boosting arousal levels and their desire to chase." That makes sense. After all, red has long been the color of passion, power, seduction.

But it's not just men attracted to red, women love it too. Recently, a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology said that, "...in the United States, England, Germany and China, women found men more appealing when they were either pictured wearing red or framed in red, compared with other colors."

And that means guys can even don an Alvin and the Chipmunks t-shirt and look hotter. For real.

"Women in a follow-up study perceived men wearing red T-shirts to be significantly more likely to be high in status than men wearing blue T-shirts, in addition to the men in red seeming more generally and sexually attractive."








This is actually a natural attraction, particularly with primates. Red is typically found on the alpha male. And when female chimpanzees and orangutans are approaching ovulation, they appear a bit more blushed. So ladies, grab that Jessica Rabbit dress or sass up those lips. 'Tis the season of red, so go bold. And boys, get those Santa hats. After all, that guy gets love from all the ladies this season. You hear me?

photo source 1, 2, 3

Relationship Recipes (for Disaster)

Today I was baking (a rare occurrence these days) a new Fall recipe from a friend: Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Chip Muffins. As I poured the bag of semi-sweet chocolates and debated - Should I save a handful to eat? - I had a flashback to a defining moment with an old boyfriend.

Years ago, I was in the kitchen with the boyfriend and one of my close girl friends. We were making chocolate chip cookies - that standard TollHouse Recipe on the back of the bag of chocolate chips. Boyfriend cut the top of the bag of chocolate chips, poured a little more than half into the batter, and tied the rest of the bag up, setting it aside.

"Wait," I said, "what's up with holding onto the rest of the chocolate chips?"

"Well you don't want all of them in there," he said. "That's just way too many."

My forehead clenched in curiosity and concern. I looked to my friend with a raised eyebrow. "How can anyone ever have too many chocolate chips?" I asked.

"I know!" she agreed. "If anything, there's never enough! Who wants a chocolate chip cookie without the chips?"

I nodded. "Isn't that why they're called CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies?"
Boyfriend nodded, heeding the passive instruction, untied the bag and poured the rest of the chips in.

I shook my head and wondered, How in the world could I ever get along with a man who doesn't believe in the "chocolate chips" of chocolate chip cookies?

Although that wasn't a narrow-minded, deal-breaking moment, it ended up being one that I thought of often when I would tell people how different we were. It was almost like that guy I dated in college who hated sushi. I didn't understand it. How does anyone HATE sushi? I wondered if I could ever spend the rest of my life with a man who didn't see the life-changing value of a spicy tuna roll. 

So how important is a person's palate when it comes to relationships?

I'm married to a meat-eating food snob who refuses to eat macaroni and cheese that comes out of a box. In fact, he calls it "yellow death." And I'm a pescatarian who still adores all the bad foods from childhood. We figure it out. We can agree on the important things. We both love chocolate chips.

Here's the recipe to those delicious pumpkin treats. I think it'd be yummy with some cream cheese frosting on top. Let me know if you make them, tweak them - and if you set aside any of the chips!

Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Chip Muffins

1 box Spice Cake mix

2 eggs

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 1/3 cup water
1 15 oz. can pumpkin
1 bag chocolate chips

350 degrees, 15-20 minutes

Dating Boot Camp - NOW in Session!

October is HERE! And that means lots of people are already kicking off their own dating projects around the country. I've already received a few preliminary reports, and it sounds like - in the midst of nervousness and typical first date jitters - our daters are managing to have FUN!

Are you up for the challenge too? Ready to take on a few more first dates than you're used to? Email me at 31datesin31days.com and I'll help get you started.

Also...

TONIGHT: 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS Book Launch Mixer and Celebration
Cupcake Royale, 1111 E. Pike Street, Seattle 7:00-8:30pm
Come have a cupcake, share some dating stories, meet new singles, buy a book (on sale from Elliott Bay Books for $15), and get your book signed! Invite friends. Or strangers!

Also today: 3:50pm, I chat with my good friend and top-notch sports journalist John Canzano on "The Bald Faced Truth" radio show on 750-AM The Game in Portland. Tune in!

In Defense of New York City Singles

Dear Statistics,
Please stop picking on my friends. I see articles like this with headlines boasting New York Leads the Nation in Single Ladies! all the time. My friends are starting to believe what I once believed while living in the city - "I'm never gonna get married."
Sure, the other reaction could be, "That's WHY I live here because I don't WANT to get married." But really, do we need to keep throwing these numbers around over and over again and pulling whatever we want from them? What good is this doing?
If we're going to look at you, I want to start seeing ALL of your numbers. Let us know what people are really dealing with before making it sound like we're all crazy.
                                                                                               -Tamara

So here's the deal.
According to the latest stats, apparently 41.7% of New York City women (over the age of 15) are single and 46.7% of the men (and boys over 15) are still single. Which ranks New York women as the leading single-lady-city in the nation. Some people hear this statistic and start blaring Beyonce while doing the "Single Ladies" dance. Others put on their pajamas and eat bon-bons.

Maybe NYC gals stay single because they have a lot of options, since there are SO MANY single guys to choose from.
I know, I know.
"HOW can you say that??" you ask. "Don't OTHER statistics say that there's only one single guy for every FIVE single gals in New York? Doesn't everyone say this is the WORST city for dating?"

Oh goodness. You're making me go look at the 2010 Census now, aren't you?
*sigh*

Okay, so I've spent the last few hours staring at the numbers and analyzing them a bit. In the midst of my research, I found a few lil' interesting tidbits.

First: The 2010 Census shows that the population of New York City's five boroughs is 8,175,133. This does not include the 44 million annual visitors.

Second: According to other number crunchers, there's an annual revolving door of 250,000 NYC residents. That means a quarter of a million NEW people in the city (and another 250,000 who have left).

Third: In Manhattan alone, there are 1,585,873 residents. (You can find the full charts here)
744,441 are men (46.9%) and 841,432 (53.1%) are women. When we look at ages, boys outnumber girls up until they're 18 years old. Then the girls outnumber the boys for 20 years or so. Then men dominate again at 38 until giving it back to women at 48.

Let's focus on just Manhattan for a minute. (If you want to double-check my math or see the other numbers, here's the Census page. You can also go there to search for similar results in other cities.)
According to that page, it says that, among males 15 years of age and older, 53.3% are single. And for women, 48.7% are single.
With a quick glance, we might be fooled, thinking there are actually WAY more single guys than gals. But these figures don't show us the hard numbers. So what does all this really mean? How many single guys and gals are there really in Manhattan?

Here's a chart I made that might help break it down.

From the numbers, we see that single Manhattan females between the ages of 20 and 34 outnumber single males by 20,000 or so (just a little higher than the number of people who live on Roosevelt Island). By the time men and women turn 35, the ratio switches again, with single men outnumbering single women. (Remember, these numbers don't reflect those who are in committed but unmarried relationships and include those who are gay.)

Now that we've taken a hard look at the numbers, what does this make you think about dating in New York? Do the numbers even have any impact on what you already thought?

Happy National Singles Week!

Yes, this entire week is NATIONAL SINGLES WEEK!!!!  In celebration, I have a gift for you!

All this week, I'll be giving away galley copies of my book, 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS.

What's a galley copy?

A galley is basically the un-proofread version of the book. So basically it looks a lot like the finished product, but it might have some typos in it. It's basically like the first pancake. Usually they get thrown out, but sometimes those first pancakes are just as yummy as the rest, even if they're not as pretty.

The book doesn't "officially" release for another couple weeks, so you'll be among some of the early readers to get your hands on my memoir.

How do I get one of the galleys?

All this week, I'm continuing to invite singles to join my nationwide dating challenge in October. To qualify for the free copy, you'll need to sign up for the challenge. A few of those who sign up for the challenge will be randomly chosen to get a galley.

But ALL of you who sign up for the challenge will get a copy of my 31 Dates in 31 Days "Dating Bootcamp" Starter Kit. Yup. For real. It'll help you organize your project, answer some of your questions, find dates, and will keep you focused. Plus, I'll help you along the way, being your coach or your cheerleader - or both!

During the month of October, I'll be updating this site with insights from those people taking the challenge. So be prepared for me to check up on you!

If you're interested, send me an email: 31datesin31days@gmail.com

Also, once you've read the book, be sure to leave your review on Goodreads or your favorite online bookseller. Those reviews really do make a difference as they help those who are looking to buy a good book about love and dating.

Wondering how to get the book? You can buy it online now at several stores:

Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Powell's, Indiebound, and Books-a-Million (and more!). Your online stores are shipping these books quickly and early (and they tend to be available at discount prices.

Interview #3: What it's like to do a dating project Q&A with Aubrey

I've been loving these interview sessions with friends who have gone on to do their own dating projects. And I've been really excited to share this particular interview and hear all the lessons learned from a fun dating project called The Mormon Bachelorette.It was just one year ago when Aubrey and her friend Erin (hey wait, she's MY friend too!) decided to put their own fun spin on the whole 31 Dates in 31 Days idea and took it to a totally different level. Aubrey had auditioned for the hit ABC show, The Bachelorette, and amidst the callbacks realized the show wasn't exactly what she wanted.

Here's the thing. Aubrey wasn't really hoping to marry any of those television "Bachelors." In real life, she's a Mormon with, meaning she's a church girl with a strong moral code. What she wanted more than anything was to marry an equally devout church boy. So, Aubrey and Erin tapped into their entrepreneurial spirits, saw an opportunity, and came up with their own online "reality show" version. They took the premise of The Bachelor and gave it a twist, inviting members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to participate, and Aubrey became the first Mormon Bachelorette.
Aubrey went on 22 first dates, followed by 8 second dates before picking one lucky guy for a third date. So yes, she also endured a full 31 Dates in 31 Days. And the whole time, Erin and the rest of their friends helped plan everything behind the scenes -- and tagged along Aubrey's dates with a video camera.
Since her memorable dating project last September, a lot has happened. Aubrey has not only married the bachelor who received "the final rose" -- but she's also pregnant with their first child! And as for Erin and her crew? They had so much fun with Aubrey they decided to keep going, with more online "seasons" of The Mormon Bachelorette and The Mormon Bachelor. (They're just about to wrap up "season three" so you still have time to catch up and see who their new Bachelorette picks in the end!).
For now, here is Aubrey's side of what it was really like to be the first Mormon Bachelorette:

Tamara: What was it about your dating life that led you to doing something so dramatically different?

Aubrey: For me it was a matter of wanting to meet some new faces and go just plain GO ON DATES!  I had recently applied to be on ABC’s The Bachelorette, ashamedly one of my favorite tv shows, and was asked back for another interview.  It was then I realized that the show really wasn’t for me, an active-LDS return missionary with a strong testimony and desire to marry in the temple.  I wanted to date an LDS guy, one who shared the same desires as me.  So one night my friends and I decided to quit talking about starting our own Mormon version of The Bachelorette and just do it!  Because of my love for the show (and because I was more single than I’d ever been) I was convinced by my friends to give it a shot and become the first Mormon Bachelorette.

Tamara: What were you hoping to get from your dating project experience?

Aubrey: In all honesty, I had really high hopes. I wanted The Mormon Bachelorette to lead me to someone that I could fall in love with and would someday take me to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity.  Whether he was one of my 22 dates, or someone that watched The Mormon Bachelorette and wanted to get to know me better. I realize how crazy that sounds, but there was something in my heart that told me this would lead me to something good.

Tamara: Yep, I can totally relate. How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?

Aubrey: On our website, we set up an online application for eligible LDS bachelors to fill out. Our staff (aka – my roommates) then kept everything anonymous to me as they screened each of the applicants, deciding who would be the best fit for a date with me. 

Tamara: In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously? And how did you deal with those differences?

Aubrey: My month-long dating challenge was just that, a CHALLENGE! For an entire month my schedule consistedof working a full-time job Monday-Friday (and designing wedding flowers for brides on the weekends), fitting in my daily workout, getting ready, going on my date, coming home to hours of editing footage into a short film, writing about my experience and posting it on a blog before passing out sometime around 3 or 4 in the morning.  I think most people would go insane with such a crazy schedule (and believe me, I did), but the one thing that kept me going was the knowledge that this project felt divinely inspired and I knew that only good would come of it.

Tamara: What was the most memorable part of your project?

Aubrey: Besides getting to marry the most amazing man in the world? Probably the opportunity to meet so many different people from all over the United States who were looking for love just like me!  Just the simple act of a man reaching out to go on a date with me made me feel of such great worth and gave me a desire to encourage single guys everywhere to TAKE GIRLS ON DATES!

Tamara: Yes! Take them out! If you could go back, would you do it again? And if so, what would you do differently?

Aubrey: Heck yes! In fact, we have done it again for another deserving Bachelor and Bachelorette!  Only this time we learned from the challenges of my “season” and realized we needed a delay before posting the dates to the website so that everyone has a chance to breath.  Best decision we ever made! 

Tamara: Did your dating project and the lessons you learned from it affect your relationship with Matt? And if so, how?

Aubrey: Matt and I have talked about this many times before and we’re both convinced that had it not been for The Mormon Bachelorette, we never would have dated.  Before dating we had been in the same [congregation] for over a year, shared the same circle of friends, and apparently had considered asking me out before, but felt put-off by my agnostic attitude toward him (I should be ashamed).  But the truth of the matter is, I was not interested in him because I simply did not know him.  So given the opportunity to go out on a date, one-on-one, opened our eyes to something we never knew was there.

And there you have it. Congrats Aubrey and Matt - on your marriage and your expected addition!

Aren't you inspired to do your own dating project now? Maybe even just five dates in five days to see how it goes? Check out my nationwide dating challenge and let me know if you or your friends are interested. And just as a reminder, 31 Dates in 31 Days is not only on sale online (for a discounted $11.20) but it's already arriving in the mail (three weeks earlier than bookstores!).

Interview #2: What it's really like to do 31 Dates - Q&A with Janelle

Janelle and I met right after my project ended in 2009 when she decided "31 Dates in 31 Days" was something she needed to do before wrapping up her 31st year. Well, okay the truth is, she wasn't exactly pumped when her friends suggested she should try my project. But then she breathed a little and figured, why not have fun with it?
Thus began her project, which she dubbed "Fun with 31" as a constant reminder that her goal was to change her dating life and have fun. Janelle is a red-headed nurse from Las Vegas. Through her project she not only had fun and learned a lot about men, dating, and herself, she also happened to meet a handsome guy named Josh who is now her husband. Pretty cool, right?

Without further ado, my conversation with Janelle.

Tam: What were you hoping to get from your dating project experience?

Janelle: Of course I wanted to find my husband! I would be lying if I said I didn’t. However, this is a pretty extreme way of trying to find him; so it took some convincing. There are probably two reasons I did it. 

1) I am always up for an adventure and 2) I thought, maybe this could be good for me, make me learn to appreciate dating or at least have an adventure trying.  I really hated dating, but I loved your positive take on all of your dates… that is probably what convinced me the most.

Tam: How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?

Janelle: It was hard! I will say that I was constantly trying to fill the calendar. I was looking for dates up until the last week. I asked everyone I knew to set me up with someone, even strangers at work, the store, or getting a massage. I let everyone know about it and asked/begged everyone. I really have to thank the sisters and SIL’s out there… they were my biggest help. 

Tam: In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously? Was it "easier" or "harder" to date during your time with Fun with 31? How did you deal with those differences?

Janelle: I think dating during "Funwith31" was easier than normal dating. I had made it a priority and a focus and that right there makes a huge difference. Also, I was just having fun, I didn’t put any extra stress or worry on it, I was just going to have fun. Dating was SO much cooler that way! I wasn’t stressing about all the stuff that comes after the first date, I was just having fun getting to know different guys. Having a “friendly competition” amongst the guys was fun too, they really came up with some creative, fun dates!

Tam: What was the most memorable part of your project?

Janelle and Josh

Janelle: Seriously, meeting all the guys! There are some good guys out there that want a stable, loving relationship as much as us ladies. I loved getting to know them and all their quirks! And I really did have so much fun on their creative dates. I mean I did everything from hip hop dancing, to shooting, to geo-caching! It was awesome.

Second would be all the valuable lessons I learned during this project. [Which you can find linked here]

Tam: Would you do it again? And if so, what would you do differently?

Janelle: I would do this again, hands down!! It seriously has to have been some of the most fun I have ever had in my life…and I’ve done a lot of fun things! It was exhausting, yes…but a month full of adrenaline! I’m not sure I would’ve done anything differently…maybe hired a secretary to book my calendar for me! :) It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I would suggest anyone to do it!!

Tam: How did the dating project prepare you for your relationship with Josh?

Janelle: Oh, I STRONGLY believe that Funwith31 was necessary for Josh and I to work out! First off, I don't think the first date would've gone that well if he wasn't #31 (my final date). Before Funwith31, I felt like I used to play off of my date's personality. So if he was fun and outgoing, so was I; but if he was quiet, so was I. I really hated this about me and dating, because I considered myself a pretty genuine person (maybe it was an insecurity??). 

But with Josh (who is quiet) being my final first date, I was: 1) so excited to be done that I couldn't be quiet if I wanted to and 2) really figuring out that I can truly be me on a date and that is okay. And my date would either like it or not, but it didn't have to change the way I acted. I had had so much fun just being me on all my other dates, I figured out this is really working. 

Beyond the first date, I'm pretty sure Josh and I would've never dated that long had I not done Funwith31! Josh is very methodical and slow and I am spontaneous and impatient... quick to make decisions. But by the end of the project, I realized that dating is just trying to get to know someone better, and if you like what you are getting to know, you go on another date, and another and another...so it really calmed/slowed me down. It was perfect. 

Tam: Did your experiences with the project have any effect on your marriage?

Janelle: As for any effect on marriage...on our mantle we have a portion of the quote that Josh gave me on our first date, "Only a person who RISKS is free" this has somewhat been a mantra for our dating/marriage. We try to take healthy risks and to live life to the fullest. We both have been able to date a lot and getting married a little later, we have a GREAT appreciation for each other. We cherish each other and the institution of marriage! (I hope that never leaves!!) I love this! 

Thanks Janelle!

So, gentle reader, does this sound like a challenge you'd consider? What about just five dates in five days? Or 10 dates in two weeks? In October, I'm issuing a nationwide dating challenge in celebration of my book, 31 Dates in 31 Days. Apparently if you order it now through Amazon you'll not only get it for a discounted price (under $12 - that's less than a movie!) but you'll also get it a week or two earlier than your local bookstore. Crazy!

Interested in the book? Look here. Interested in the dating challenge? Email me at 31datesin31days@gmail.com

What it's Really Like Doing a Dating Project: Q&A With Bek from "Bek's 30 in 30"

After I did my dating project, a bunch of men and women planned their own "31 Dates in 31 Days" types of projects. In anticipation of the release of my new book, some of those daring daters are sharing stories from their own adventures.So if you're considering being part of my dating challenge and taking on your own mini version of the 31 Dates, pay attention to these experts. They've lived and breathed the challenges of endurance dating and are here to tell their tales.

First up is Rebekah, who kicked off "Bek's 30 in 30" leading up to her 30th birthday. Bekah arranged to have 25 first dates followed by 5 second dates. She had a $30 limit on each date and learned that dating can offer a lot of fun adventures.
Her project, which ended earlier this year, was followed by a long list of second, third, fourth, fifth dates and so on. She lives in Bountiful, Utah, loves cooking, traveling, and hunting for the perfect pair of shoes.

Q: What were you hoping to gain from your dating project experience?

Bek: I was hoping to meet a lot of new guys and start dating someone special.  Honestly, I thought it would be a start to a serious relationship.   That's what I want.

Q:  How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?

Bek: My friends are awesome.  Most of my dates were set-ups.  I put the word out there over text and facebook that I needed dates and my friends came through for me.  It was hard work though.  I started "recruiting" a month in advance and by the time the first date came around I had enough guys.  It's all about advertising and begging. :)

Q: In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously?

Bek: There were a few differences. The dates didn't seem that different other than the fact that I had a date every single night instead of once a month. But one of the big differences was that I made my friends set me up. I all but begged them to set me up. Wait - I take that back - I begged a couple of them.

Before my dating project, when a friend would say they wanted to set me up with someone, I would tell them okay and just let them do it if they really wanted to. Most of those dates never happened. So when I started talking about the dating project, I went to all of those friends and told them that now is the time to do it. 


Q: What was the most memorable part of your project?

Bek: There were SO many fun things I did during this project.  I'll tell you my top three:  1) Going to the shooting range with Tyler E.  Talk about a rush!  Loved it!  2) The treasure hunt with Jonathan.  That was one of the most creative and awesome dates I have ever been on.  3) Night kayaking with Johnny.  I can't even tell you how fun that was.  100% fun!  I live really close to the pond and every time I drive by I think, I need to do that again!

Q: Would you do it again? And if so, what would you do differently?   

Bek: I would DEFINITELY do it again.  I went out with 25 amazing guys and had a great time with every single one of them.  I would do something different though.  I would take away the expectations.  I really liked a bunch of the guys and I would have loved to get to know more of them.  I had a hard time picking only 5 to go out on a second date.  I think the most important thing I learned about myself during this project is that I like to take my time in getting to know someone.  One or two dates is not enough time to decide if I want a relationship.  It's definitely enough time to know if I want to see that person again, but I feel like I might have given myself too high of expectations.  If I were to do it again, I would take out round two and only have first dates, then leave it open for a possibility with any of the guys.

Has Rebekah inspired you to do your own dating project? Check out the details of my dating challenge here!

American Dating versus International Courtship

The other night I went to dinner with a couple of new friends, both of which are successful, beautiful women who've lived all over the world. One was French, married, and works as an international television producer. The other is American, single, beautiful, and happens to be a brilliant scientist who does work with NASA studying the possibility of life on Mars and such. In the midst of our fancy conversation, we turned the topic to dating.

"American dating is so strange," says Frenchie.
The scientist nods in agreement.
"How so?" I ask.

Frenchie then discusses the steps that Americans take in dating.

What Do Your Celebrity Crushes Say About You?

One of my friends is embarrassed to reveal her celebrity crush from high school. "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," she says. But I can't remember mine. Maybe it was Chris O'Donnell or some other handsome blue-eyed baby-faced actor.

That's Ricky in the yellow shirt. So cute!

Maybe I've etched those high school crushes out of my mind and replaced them with the psycho-babble I've been telling myself about my very first celebrity crushes.
In Kindergarten, it was Ricky Martin. From Menudo. I would keep stickers of Ricky and his Menudo boy-band members in my sticker book, appropriately marked with pink-inked hearts from my stamp collection and crooked letters attempting to spell out his name R-I-C-K-Y as if every written letter drew him closer to me.

pretty sure i had this hanging on my wall

Of course, I had no idea back then that he would come out of the closet. Back then he was just the cutest boy I'd ever seen.

Then it was George Michael. I've tried to justify this crush-on-a-gay-man by saying it wasn't just George Michael -- I also adored his Wham! bandmate, Andrew Ridgeley. Who apparently is straight. Not that anyone knew that at the time.

Does he look like Tiffany? Wearing a Debbie Gibson hat?

But all my attempts at trying to make myself sound like I wasn't just head-over-heels for gay men is thwarted for the die-hard crush I had in second grade.
Boy George.

Why was I crushing on gay men?  And what does that say about me? Does my current crush for Taye Diggs make up for my elementary school lack of gay-dar? I mean, my crush has been constant since he helped Stella get her groove back.

As for my friend who's embarrassed about her own celebrity crush? She says she swooned over Neil Young in high school. Yep. No Brad Pitt. No George Clooney. Instead she longed for a man with soul. Someone whose words and music would serenade her forever.
Totally makes sense to me.





Who was your most memorable celebrity crush?

And don't forget, I'm looking for singles daring to do a dating challenge! Email me!

{Picture source: Menudo Wham! Boy George Taye Diggs Neil Young}

Marriage Makes You Fat

Just a few days ago, the scientific world was deeming a life of singlehood as an early death sentence. Now, the scientists are reminding me of something that my scale and I have been dealing with over the last 19 months: Marriage is now scientifically proven to make women fat.

Are those the options now? Die single young or live life fat and married? Scientists, why do you pigeon-hole my future based on my marital status?

Post-wedding weight gain is one of those secrets married people hide from their single friends. At least my friends did.
For me, the weight gain hit hard only a month or two after our wedding. I'd moved across the country from walk-everywhere-New York City to keep-your-butt-in-the-driver's-seat Los Angeles. I began writing more. I worked from a home office. I had few friends so I spent a lot of time alone. And I went on the pill.
All of a sudden, I noticed the size 2 jeans in my drawer remained untouched. They laid a little too perfectly in my drawer, looking like they were freshly pressed and ready for sale at The Gap. They'd been replaced by bigger sizes of pants and became the long-lost cousin of my now-preferred yoga pants. I thought I would somehow quickly lose the pounds. I refused to buy bigger pants, thinking somehow my body would readjust to its "natural size." It didn't.
Fast forward to today. I still love my yoga pants. I've finally made my way back to the gym. I have some friends now. It's all good.

What do you think? Does marriage make people gain weight? Is this a reality you're willing to accept?

Is "Single" Really a Symptom for an Early Death?

I almost choked on my Cheerios when I read this headline this morning:

Single people may die younger, new study finds 

Seriously?? That's what we're telling people now? I could hear my still-bruised-former-single-soul screaming, "Great, first you're telling people they'll die alone. Now you're saying they'll also die young." 

Are studies like this really necessary? What good are they doing? 

This particular study compares people who have never married to people who remained married for a very long time. It left out the widowed and divorced altogether. Apparently it says that in the worst case scenario, single men can die 17 years younger than their married counterparts. For women, it's 15 years.

So what about the flip side of this study? What about all those people who have been unhappily married for 60 years and are just praying that they die? Is this study bad news for them too?

One of the critics of the study and others like these is social psychologist Bella DePaulo, who thinks there's a general bias against single people in our society. What do you think? 

(In other news, I'll have a big announcement coming up next week for all you singles. And no, it has nothing to do with dying. Can't wait to tell you!)