Do Open Marriages Work?

I don't typically chat about politics in an open forum, and I still don't intend to do so. But there is one topic that recently made me wonder, "Can that work?"
In the midst of all the political fodder, one thing that's come up in the news lately is Newt Gingrich's alleged suggestion having an "open" marriage with his wife. Do they really work? Or is asking your wife for an open marriage the first step toward divorce? In Newt's case, apparently, yes. Part of me feels like the desire for an open marriage is akin to a girlfriend asking if we can "see other people."

Aside from that, here's Jon Stewart's take on Newt's marriages, which I found funny.

The Daily Show
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The Cost of Quick Engagements

Back in the 60s when my parents were dating, they had one of those "where are we going with this?" discussions. It was a Friday. They were at work, or on their way to work, or something. Dad was a photographer at the San Gabriel Valley Tribune here in California. Mom was a reporter.
My father made it clear that his intention was to marry her, but that he was wary of a church wedding.
"Well, why don't we elope then?" my mom asked.
"I think I'd prefer that," says Dad.
"So, what would stop us from driving to Vegas and getting married then?"
"Well," Dad thought for a second, "I guess nothing."
"What's stopping us from doing that, say... tonight?"
He nods. "Nothing I can think of."

And that was the proposal.

As my mom now recalls, "We decided to get married on a Friday, bought rings on our lunch hour, drove there after work, and got married at City Hall."
They were married during the late shift, which cost an extra $25.

Two days later they hit the road, married in the Clark County Courthouse, and drove back to southern California to report the news to my grandparents. Yowza.

Fast forward to 2011. Vegas is still home to quick weddings. And 30 other states now allow couples to marry without a waiting period. In fact, over the last few weeks, New Jersey legislators have been trying to eliminate their three-day waiting period that's in place for couples wanting to marry in that state. After all, no waiting period would mean they could charge more for a marriage license and could boost Atlantic City as a wedding destination comparable to Las Vegas. The bill passed in both the state's House and Senate assemblies, but just last week Governor Chris Christie rejected the bill. Sorry Jersey Boys. Looks like you'll have to wait 72 hours before tying the knot there!

Here's a list of the 20 states (plus DC) where you'll have to wait a few days if you're feeling on the verge of instant nuptials:

What Do These Commercials Tell Us About Marriage?

Lately I've been seeing a few commercials that have similar undertones, all of them indicating this: "Don't get married; have fun instead!"

Take a look at these two:




I'll admit, maybe I'm being sensitive. But this does bring me back to a conversation I had several years ago with a woman who'd been married 20 years. I told her how I was glad I'd spent my twenties single since it'd given me an opportunity to really "live" life. Her response surprised me. "Really?" she said. "I felt like getting married gave me the excuse to start doing everything I'd ever wanted to do."
We all have different perspectives, and that moment changed mine.

Honda says it's not that the fun can't happen after the milestones, they're just talking about making a list of your goals before taking the next big leap in life - or a "Leap List." It's kind of like a "bucket list," but instead of coming up with every goal you want to accomplish before kicking the bucket, you can think in smaller, more manageable dreams that you can accomplish before taking your next big leap.

Still, those commercials make me wonder - do people really believe our best or most exciting adventures in life need to end when our partnering begins?
If so, what does that mean when we have kids??

In Sickness and In Health, Part 3

I've told you about my amazement at the solid marriage and teamwork between my friend Dana and her husband, Mike. Now I want you to hear their side of the story.

They've been married a couple years and are still figuring out marriage, not to mention figuring out how to balance a busy work life with their challenges at home - especially with Mike's disability. He was paralyzed from the chest down when he was 17 which forced him to use a wheelchair. Now he's learning what it means to share the challenges of his disability with his wife. These two make such an impressive team. Sometimes I read about their experiences and I wonder, "How do they manage it all?" They're still figuring it out, but so far they seem to be handling every challenge that comes their way.

Here's my interview with them:

Tamara: Dana, when you first met Mike, did his disability affect whether he was a dating possibility in your mind?

Dana: Certainly. We first met in person, but didn't really remember meeting. We connected through a chance e-mail, and when he first asked me online if we had met in person, the only reason I remembered meeting him was because he was in a wheelchair, and well, that's memorable.

As our relationship grew into a friendship, and then started to get on the verge of something more, I was really scared about all of the disability stuff. I googled my fingers off. I found so many great websites and message boards about spinal cord injuries and read and read and read. I have always been a bit of a researcher. I was scared to death wondering if I would be able to handle everything. Then, I actually flew to Texas to meet him, and I saw that he was way more attractive in person than I even thought he would be, and I knew that despite the physical challenges, that the physical attraction was there.

I drew on the past experience I had in being a caregiver to my grandfather. Just a few years before I met Michael in person, my Papa Tom had a series of strokes, and didn't want to live in a nursing home, so he came home, and as a family (me, my Granny and my Aunt Clara) took care of him, 24 hours a day. It was very challenging, he could do very little for himself. There were times (really personal bathroom type of stuff) that I was the only one who could help him. I saw it as a way to show my Papa love. This was how he needed me to love him. As my relationship with Michael grew deeper, I looked back on that caregiving responsibility I had in my past with Papa Tom, and I knew I had it in me to do caregiving type of stuff. So, it got better as time went on.


Tamara: When you first started talking about a relationship, who was more nervous? Was disability a big issue at that point?

Dana: I think Michael was more nervous. I definitely fell "head over heels' for him first, and I was so smitten, I will admit that I was a bit naive about how challenging everything was going to be. Also, if I'm going to be really honest with you, I will admit to hiding some things that really bothered me, at least for a bit, while we were dating. For example, before we were married, Michael had this giant red wheelchair van. Someone else had to drive it, and there was a wheelchair lift on it, and his chair would be tied down in the back. It eventually came out that I HATED that thing, but at first, I drove it with a smile on my face, even though I definitely hated the spectacle that the giant wheelchair lift van was, I hated tying him down like a piece of cargo, and I hated driving it like I was a chauffeur.


Michael: I figured, by that point, that it was all in her court, because we knew each other for so long, and we were already such good friends, that it was time for something more in our relationship. I was cautious, but not afraid. So, while we were growing our relationship, I was careful to invite her in to the different areas of my disability at different levels. Instead of letting her see everything that I went through and making her do everything from the start, I invited her to help with the smaller, the less awkward things at first. Then, as we continued to get familiar with each other and as we spent more time together, she did more for me. Funny, that one of the first really big things we talked about was having kids. In an afternoon phone call, I pretty much threw it out there, that it might not be easy for us to have kids and this was pretty early on in our relationship. I wanted her to have every opportunity to back out gracefully if she felt uncomfortable.


Tamara: Marriage is already such a major life adjustment for most people. Mike, you'd already faced a major adjustment in your life after your accident. What did you consider would be the biggest adjustment once you both were married?

Michael: There are two people to consider in every decision. Before, I didn't have to wonder how my wife would have to feel about this, how it would affect her, or make plans that included her. I'm a chronic procrastinator and overly cautious about everything. Dana plans everything out, and then she goes for it. She doesn't let anything stop her, once she's determined to do something. My habits and weaknesses are the things that cause a lot of tension. Dana is quick to point out and admit her own bad habits and weaknesses and we work on those things together. But for me, it was easy to coast through life at my pace, and not overexert myself. Now, I'm challenged regularly to be a better person, stronger than I ever have been, because of Dana.

Tamara: What was a big hurdle you faced together? When did you feel as if you'd gotten over it?

Dana: One of my favorite "hurdles" we've faced was on our first anniversary getaway. We rented this tiny little cabinet in the woods, about 2 hours away. It was a romantic little cabin, with a hot tub in the room. Remember, Michael is paralyzed from the chest down and has no ability to move himself from one location to another. He is a fully grown man, and I'm a five foot tall girl. I should not humanly be able to do things like pick him up out of his wheelchair, lift him up and over a hot tub (not the kind that's built into the floor, the kind that's about 3-4 feet high) and into it, without him sinking down in. But, I did it.
We worked together to arrange a series of towels to pick him up, slide him in, and ankle weights to keep him tied down in the right spots. For the record, we had a great time in that hot tub. We did decide to try it BEFORE dinner rather than afterwards, just in case I wasn't able to get him back out. But, I'm happy to report - we used a series of towels and whatever else we could find in the room to slide him back out, up, over and back into the chair again. With no help.
That was a major achievement and we both felt so invigorated in our independence. When I told other couples who are in similar situations as us about that, no one can believe me! Ha!


Tamara: What challenges do you have now? And what do you look back upon during your first couple years together and think, "I can't believe we thought THAT was hard back then?"

Dana: One of the big challenges early in our marriage that I didn't see coming was how all of the attention Michael got would make me feel. This was particularly a problem when we were at church. People were falling all over themselves to say hi to him, shake his hand, fix him a bagel, hold the door open, while I was there, carrying his stuff, the door slamming in my face. People would literally come up to him and greet him, and not say a single word to me.
That hurt me so deeply. I felt invisible. I was depressed, and I was actually jealous when people were like, "Mike, you're so awesome, you're such an inspiration, and we're so happy to have you here," I was thinking awful thoughts like, "What? What about me? Who do you think got him, up, dressed, made his breakfast and drove him here so he could inspire you?... oh, yeah. Me. I'm over here!"
I have gotten used to that now. Now, I realize it's mainly people overcompensating, trying so hard to make him feel "included" (which is hilarious, because he doesn't really ever feel not included he's such a social person!) that they just skip right over me. Michael has also helped a lot, by directing the conversation to me, when I am being ignored, and holding my hand in church, just to remind me that even when I feel like no one else sees me, he does.

Tamara: What are your hopes for your family?


Dana: We hope to have a family one day. Actually, not too far from now. We aren't getting any younger, haha! We hope to start the process of trying in the next year or so. We have to get through this election first, because then my job will calm down a lot. We honestly don't know what to expect when it comes to trying to make a baby. We've never really tried! We expect some challenges, and it will take some help in some way, but we're not sure yet how involved that help will be. We're hoping to be able to pull it off ourselves. We'll see!



Thank you Dana and Mike! I hope your dreams for your family come true!

You see why I think those two are so awesome now, don't you? They blog regularly, so if you want to hear more about their lives, have questions for them, or even if you know someone who could benefit from reading their story, feel free to check out their site here.

In Sickness and In Health

Here is the most common wedding vow used in America:

      I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, 

for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

So what do those words mean when "in sickness and in health" means one spouse's health changes everything about who that person is? A couple days ago a beautifully written story appeared in The Washington Post about how illness changed the dynamic of a family into a unique situation that has yielded criticism and commentary from around the world. Here's my crude attempt at summarizing:
In 2003, the husband had a debilitating heart attack that eventually led to such terrible brain injury that he'd forgotten most about his own life and who he was. His children, who were infants at the time, have grown to know him as a father who spends his days in assisted living with people many decades older than he is. His wife committed herself to caring for him while becoming the sole provider for their family. In the following years, she received help from friends, including one man who she'd known since childhood. Their friendship blossomed and eventually she began to have romantic feelings for him.
In the article she discusses how she felt terrible about her romantic feelings. She was still married, even though she'd felt as if all of who her husband "was" was gone. She wanted to keep her vow to care for him but she also longed for companionship - and someone who could fulfill a fatherly role for her children. Eventually, the man proposed and she accepted. She sought help from her husband's family, who was supportive of her new relationship. In the meantime, the new suitor in her life also began a friendship with the disabled husband. The boyfriend would take the husband to breakfast once a week, would make frequent visits, and would email him daily.
With the support of her church and her husband's family, the woman divorced her husband, gained legal guardianship of him, and married the other man under the condition that there would always be care given to the ex-husband.
Since then, the family has a new dynamic. The family now consists of all the children, the new husband, the wife, and the ex-husband.
This is certainly a unique situation. We've heard of people having good relationships with ex-spouses, but there are few who continue to care for them as if they are still upholding the "sickness and health" vows they made on their wedding day.

This topic also reminded me of a trailer for an upcoming movie called The Vow. Enjoy.

Ten Pre-Marriage Tips

After nearly 20 years of marriage, Ann Smith, Executive Director of Breakthrough at Caron, is sharing 10 tips for those people who are considering marriage. I'm curious what you think about her suggestions, especially point number THREE.
Here are her 10 points to review before marriage (and a link for further explanation):
1. Know yourself and your pattern in relationships.

2. Listen carefully to what your new partner says in the first hours and days after meeting.


3. Ignore the fact that you have chemistry.


4. Ask yourself if you could live with this individual exactly as they are today even on their worst days, for the rest of your life.


5. After a few months have passed, notice how you feel about yourself when you are with your partner.


6. Be honest about what this person does not have that you had hoped for in a long term mate.


7. Observe your partner's capacity for love in the rest of his/her life. Also observe your own.


8. Know what your goals and dreams are and commit to keeping them and taking responsibility for your own fulfillment.


9. Get input from those who know you and listen to their feedback.


10. No matter how confident and secure you are in your life as it is, prepare yourself for change.
 

What's Your Secret?

Yesterday, a lovely woman announced that it was her 40th wedding anniversary. I asked her the same question I ask anyone with such similar longevity in their marriage, "What's your secret."

She smiled and raised her index finger, as if announcing a major point. "Marry a good man."

A couple hours later I ran into her husband and asked him the same question.
"Just marry a great woman," he said.
"She said the same about you."
"Well," he said, "I got the better end of the bargain."

So what about you married types? What's your secret?

Marriage Rates, Falling

"The sky is falling!"

This week a big report came out saying that Marriage Rates are Falling. Let me rephrase. This week, news reports seemed to freak out about the falling marriage rates with the same sort of fervor as Henny Penny warned that the sky was falling.

I kept wondering to myself, "Why are we finally making this a big deal?" We talk about this national syndrome every Fall. Remember what we said last year?

From my 2010 write-up on marriage rates:
While fewer people are marrying, more couples are choosing to live together. The number of Americans co-habitating rose 13% in just one year, to 7.5 million couples. Analysts around the country believe the recession is to blame for the dramatic change.

According to Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, "Men's employment has taken a big hit, and when the guy doesn't have a stable job, couples are more hesitant about tying the knot."
"It makes sense to postpone marriage until economic things are worked out," says Benjamin Karney, co-founder of the Relationship Institute at UCLA. "In the 1950s, two people would get married as a way of starting their adult lives -- that's why you'd give them toasters and plates and linens," Karney said. "Nowadays, marriage is something you build up to and achieve."

Last year's story is similar to this year's. "All time low." "Poor economy is playing a role." "More people are living together." Only in 2010, the reports said that 52% of people were married and now it's only 51%.

Things that have remained fairly consistent since 1960 in America:
1. Fewer people are getting married
2. The median age is increasingly higher when Americans marry for the first time

We have to look at the big picture here. Sure, America's rates are dropping, but what does that really say about our society? Some critics will chant, "the numbers show that America is putting less value on marriage."
Really? Tell that to those same-sex couples who've been fighting for the legal privileges of marriage for decades.

Kim Kardashian is putting less value on marriage. Not America.
Some could even argue the fact that the numbers show that marriage has more value, equalling such a high commitment that people just aren't ready to dive into.

In fact, in light of the recent news, the crew over at SodaHeads took a poll asking simply, "Is marriage relevant?" The reaction: 72% of respondents say YES. Their overall feedback was that, "Marriage will never be outdated. People are just less committed and that is obvious in practically every walk of life."

For the last four decades, we've seen the number of married couples decline by more than 20 percent. We've seen a dramatic increase in the number of couples who live together without marrying. And more people are waiting to be financially stable or have fulfilled certain educational goals. We've watched citizens - and celebrities - change their views on marriage. For instance. Take divorcees Brad and Angelina who say, "When you have six children, you're committed." We all know that philosophy was worthless for "Jon and Kate split after eight."

Is marriage out-dated? Not cool anymore? I must admit, when my husband was recently asked if I were his girlfriend, I blushed, thinking how awesome it was that people looked at us as if we were a fun dating couple and not as boring married people.
Maybe marriage will make its comeback just like everything else vintage.

What I have found interesting about this on-going phenomenon is the growing gap among married people and their education level. Back in 1960 when the Pew Research Institute began really crunching these numbers, it didn't matter if you'd gone to college or not; the number of people married in both education levels was nearly equal. But NOW? If you've gone to college, you're more likely to marry. In fact, more education actually increases your statistical chances of getting married. Married people now have more wealth, more education.

This reminds me of the current nationwide discussion about the "disappearing middle class." Are we nearing a nation that looks clearly divided between the college-educated/married and the unmarried high school graduates? That thought makes me more concerned than the falling marriage rates.

We're in the midst of a major change in the way Americans define marriage. Let's not forget that marriage has constantly been changing its definition. Remember how its roots regarded marriage as a business deal? It was about money and exchange of property (with women being used as the biggest bargaining chip). Now, people marry for many different reasons. But mostly, we marry for love.

What are your thoughts about the recent reports? Today's 31 Dates poll: Is Marriage Going Out of Style? Please click on the poll to vote!

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