Scientific Proof: When Mama Ain't Happy, Nobody's Happy

It's no secret that someone's depression can drastically affect intimate relationships.  Now, scientists are identifying specific ways depression can impact a relationship -- especially when the woman is the one with the blues.
A new study that will be be published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, shows that depression can actually hinder someone's ability to empathize, which only accentuates feelings of alienation and depression.

A Blinde Date With... Her Brother

Remember that scene from "You've Got Mail" when Joe Fox shows up for a date at Cafe Lalo (my favorite dessert spot in NYC) and, low and behold, discovers it's his bookstore nemesis, Kathleen Kelly?

Sarah Kemp and George Bentley, 2011

Or the scene from "Must Love Dogs" when Diane Lane shows up on a blind date to meet (gasp!) her own father?!

Now for the real life version, which is even more crazy.
Last week, two unassuming singles decided to finally step up their correspondence from the web to the real world. Sarah Kemp, who lives in Edinburgh, Scotland, drove all the way to London to meet George Bentley. They began emailing last November.

Relationship Status: Imaginary

A new company touting that "The easiest way to get a girlfriend is to already have one" will soon offer a social network service like none other: outsourcing a girlfriend. The site is called Cloud Girlfriend and essentially, it gives a guy a virtual girlfriend. According to website founder David Fuhriman's Twitter account, "cloudgirlfriend.com ...is a site that helps people have a fake girlfriend on Facebook." Essentially, the site helps all those guys who claim they have a hot girlfriend in Canada.

So here's how Cloud Girlfriend works. Guys pay the company to create a Facebook profile of a seemingly "perfect girlfriend" who will virtually interact with the guy as if she's his girlfriend in real life. Fuhriman promises the virtual girlfriends are "not bots" but "real people," and, as he mentioned to the website Quora, "The right virtual girlfriend can be just like having a real long-distance girlfriend, without the hassles."

Science Now Backs Broken Hearts: Proof That Love Hurts

Have you ever felt so heartbroken you thought dying would feel better? Cried so hard over the pain you couldn't breathe? Felt your heart actually ache? (Please don't tell me I'm the only one.)

Scientists have discovered that our brains react to heartbreak the same way it reacts to physical pain. In fact, just thinking about that heartache can show up in an fMRI.

Bek's 30th

Every now and then I get lovely, inquiring emails from guys and girls who want to start a dating project similar to mine and are looking for some advice. They each have their own intentions ("I want to date more," "I want to meet someone to marry," "my friends are daring me"...) and thus, they each have a unique program they've set up for themselves.
Rebekah - who turns 30 in a couple weeks - is in the midst of her 30 dates in 30 days journey. She's a sweet girl and seems to be having lots of fun so far! Happy almost birthday Bek!

A Letter to a Dear Friend

Dear Facebook,
I think we need to talk. I think we need to take a break.
It's not you. It's me.

For the last two years, we've been nearly inseparable, spending every waking moment together. I just need some space.
When we first met, I wasn't so sure how I'd feel about you. I wasn't ready to commit. I didn't tell you all about myself.
But it wasn't long before I found myself telling you everything -- my employment history, my interests, my favorite movies, books, and even confessing my obsession for hot chocolate. And now, I'm wholly consumed in your everything. I'm obsessed with you. And I can't help but feel as if our relationship isn't equally balanced.

There are days when my time with you actually ends up making me feel bad about myself. I see all the beautiful girls who throw themselves at you and can't help but compare myself to them. I spend time looking at all the people you know and realize that they're way more awesome than I am. They take better pictures, they find the most mundane activities entertaining, and they have more friends than I do.
Another problem? You're friends with ALL my ex-boyfriends. How does that happen? How can you and I remain having something so special when you spend just as much time with all of them?
And I know you do, because I see you. Yeah. ALL the time. Even in those moments you don't think we're together, I'm always watching you, lurking over every other relationship you're so blatantly cultivating without any regret. How could you?

And who have I become? I spend so much time worrying about you that I haven't had any time to really invest in myself. So I'm going to do my best to give you up for Lent.
I know, I know. My "religious views" aren't Catholic. But does that really matter? It's not that I want to break up with you. I'm just asking for a little break. Some time to myself. To regroup. To remember all the good times we had together.
And then, I promise, I'll be back. And will likely be obsessing over you once again.

Will you miss me as much as I'll miss you?

Valentine's Day

How do you celebrate today's commercialization of Cupid? Is this a day you would rather forget? Or are you grateful that you have one special day to share your love with the world?

Valentine's Day has always been a big day for my mom. My grandmother used to make special presents for her daughters, and my mom has since passed along the tradition to me and my brother. It's sweet.

This always seems like a tricky day for every other relationship. Whether single, divorced, dating, married, just friends, or are hoping to be something more, this manufactured holiday can put some people's heads into a tailspin. Are you one of them?

This year my husband decided to put a spin on getting me flowers.Of course, nothing that I get him will compare to receiving the bike I've been wanting for the last six months.
I know, I know. "It's not a competition." But Valentine's Day, why do you always seem to make me feel like it is? Wasn't my self-conducted 31 Dates' "competition" for a Valentine's Day date proof that you have such a strong power over me??

Today I'll have to find a way to step away from the computer and find a way to spoil myself a bit. I think I hear that cupcake place calling my name. I mean, after all, this is supposed to be a day about love. And I love cupcakes.
Will you be doing the same? If nothing else, please don't allow today's overflowing burden of gift-giving and love-declaring to be a reason to hate on yourself. I have no idea what you're wearing today, but I can almost guarantee, hating yourself just doesn't match. But maybe a yummy cupcake will...




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Best (and worst) Valentine's Day movies

In my mind, Valentine's Day has always been a perfect day to watch some of the greatest romantic movies. On some occasions I would have a companion by my side. Sometimes that companion was my dog. Other times, my girlfriends would sit close by and pass me the tissues and ice cream. It's a nice little tradition.
Here's a list of movies to consider watching this weekend, depending on your mood this Valentine's season.


Great romantic movies for any day of the year:

When Harry Met Sally

Love Actually

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Sleepless in Seattle

Say Anything



Classics:

Casablanca

Love Story

Sabrina

The Philadelphia Story

Gone With the Wind



High tissue count:

The Notebook

Pride and Prejudice

An Affair to Remember



Movies with a high Cinderella factor:

Pretty Woman

Enchanted

Dirty Dancing



Forbidden Love:

Titanic

The Princess Bride

Shakespeare in Love

Romeo and Juliet



Romantic Comedies I'm not embarrassed to love:

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Bridget Jones's Diary



Romantic movies of another dimension:

Somewhere in Time

Ghost

Dead Again



Movies for the lovelorn:

500 Days of Summer

The Breakup



Worst movies for any date:

Fatal Attraction

Blue Valentine

Sleeping With the Enemy

What's Love Got to Do With It

The Accused


What movies will you be watching this weekend?

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One Year Later...

As my husband and I recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary, I couldn't help but think of how things have changed in my life in just one year's time.
Make that two years.

Our anniversary weekend also marked the second anniversary of the launch of my life-changing dating project. I miraculously met a bunch of amazing men who opened my eyes to the greater benefits of dating and love, and somehow I ended up meeting one guy who seemed to be "the kind of guy I would marry."
A year goes by and I become Mrs. Johnson.

As our wedding day approached, I quit my job, packed my NYC apartment, moved across the country, and predicted some sort of nervous breakdown would occur a few weeks after the wedding. It pretty much did. I had somewhat of a major identity crisis. And it lasted... a few months. Or maybe I'm still going through it. I'm not sure.
I dealt myself a bunch of major changes quickly: walking away from my career, flying away from my city, moving in with a boy, becoming "Mrs." So-n-So, and changing my name. Such a doozy.
Change is fast. Transition is slow.

Anniversaries can serve as great moments to reflect how far we've come, to forgive ourselves for not coming further than we'd hoped, and to give ourselves a little bit of a clean slate.

It's also a nice excuse to go on vacation.



images 1, 2, and 3 taken by MegRuth Phototgraphy

Living in Love Town

Are you living in a city that's prone for romantic bliss?
In honor of our favorite day of love, The Daily Beast has come up with a list of the 50 best cities for love. Here's how they came up with their list:

The Daily Beast ranked the country’s largest cities based on a high prevalence of marriage, a low incidence of divorce, a relatively happy population and a wealth of bars and restaurants to meet and woo a significant other.

After crunching the numbers, they came up with these top 10 cities. If you feel like you've been lookin' for love in all the wrong places, maybe you could head to one of these towns...

#1. San Antonio, TX
#2. Milwaukee, WI
#3. Austin, TX
#4. Virginia Beach, VA
#5. San Diego, CA
#6. Boston, MA
#7. New Orleans, LA
#8. Hartford, CT
#9. Cleveland, OH
#10. Portland, OR

Really?? San Antonio? Milwaukee? What are your secrets??
And Portland? Are you kidding? Tell that to the 23-27 year old versions of me. I spent my prime dating years in Portland. Alone!

Rounding out the bottom of the list were the following:
#41. Dallas, TX
#42. Charlotte, NC
#43. Indianapolis, IN
#44. Richmond, VA
#45. Miami, FL
#46. Cincinnati, OH
#47. Tampa, FL
#48. Riverside, CA
#49. Detroit, MI
#50. Jacksonville, FL

You can check out the full list here

Pretty Things

In my recent admission of watching The Bachelor, I've been thinking a lot about reality shows. What's with all the hot chicks? Why are we so "anti-ugly?"

Americans were up in arms when the show Mike and Molly premiered months ago, which puts a new spin on the term "big love."
Some of the nation's most confused critics couldn't believe the public endorsement of a show about the love between two overweight people.

What is with us?

Not that I'm naming names and totally outing this person, but... a certain someone's husband might really love the show Dating in the Dark. The premise of the show: three guys and three girls meet in a pitch black room and over the course of a few days get to know each other. At the end of the interview/first date process, they see pictures of one another and get to decide if they want to date them in real life.
It's a simple concept. It's cheesy and sweet and has all the makings of reality amazement. But of course, none of the people on the show are particularly awkward or horribly unattractive.

How much do looks really count?
How hard is it for us to see real beauty?

A few weeks ago I met a makeup artist named Jessica Hoffman, a full-time red carpet makeup artist who's making the many forms of beauty her pursuit. In general, most people would consider her "beautiful." She has flawless skin, a thin graceful frame, and china blue eyes. What she also has is a dream for other women to see beauty in themselves. She's the founder of something called the Pure Beauty Project, a non-profit organization that helps women have a positive self-image and a stronger sense of their personal beauty.
I met Jessica on Day 1 of a new journey she launched, called "30 Days of Beauty." She kicked it off 30 days before her 30th birthday. Her goal is to focus on the different forms of beauty in our every day lives for an entire month, and she hopes to make the world a little more beautiful along the way.

Her idea is simple. But it's really inspiring.
Maybe, just for today, I'll try to take a quick second to recognize a touch of beauty somewhere I haven't noticed before.

Happy Birthday Jessica!






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Dating Discussion: Breaking Down Second Dates

I've been going back and forth about this over Twitter...

Someone posed the question, "If a woman says 'yes' to a second date, can the man assume she's interested?"

I say wholeheartedly, NO!!!!!

"Why not?" I'm asked. "Why is she going then? Free meal?"

To this, I have three explanations for my reasoning.

The first one takes me into the way-back machine, when I went out on some very, very embarrassing first dates. One of them was going fine. We'd been set up by a mutual friend. We were having a nice meal. He was funny. I wasn't crazy.
When we got up to leave I noticed something felt not quite right. My purse was stolen. All of a sudden our first date with just the two of us turned into a trio, with the cop who took my police report. I was frazzled and thought, "this date is a wash."
No second date.
I would have gone if he would have asked. I hoped for a second chance. I was having a bad night and didn't want his sole judgment to be based on that bizarre first meeting. Nope. No chance. He made his call and didn't ask me out. I felt robbed... twice.
The other time was when my dog chased outside my apartment building, locking me and my date outside. We had to scale the wall into my bedroom window. It was awful. My mood completely changed. I was hoping for a second chance, where I didn't feel so judged by my dog, my lack of a hide-a-key, or my climbing skills.

So my first reason is this: the first date can easily turn into the worst date. You never know if your night with them has followed their worst day.

The second reason is this. A man can't assume a woman is "interested" in him solely because she said "yes" to a second date because he has no idea where she is with her current dating life. She could think he's funny but isn't quite so sure about his job. Or his roommates. Or that weird jacket he wore last time.
She could have made weird judgments on the first date that she's wondering, "Was I wrong about judging him on that? Or is he really into wearing pleather pants all the time? Can I handle it?"
She could be dating 29 or so other guys and trying to figure out which one rises to the top.
You have no idea what else is swimming through her head about you, so let her give you another chance to see how great you are.

Number three... If the other reasons made no sense to you, maybe this one will.
You asked her out, right??
There was some initial assessment that made you think, "I need to go out with her." That assessment might have taken some time for you to figure out if she's someone worth spending time, money, and effort on. And then you finally came to the decision to muster the courage to decide, "Yes, I want to go out with her."
Your timing and interest is likely already way ahead of hers.
Her first date is an opportunity to do just what you did: assess the situation. She figures you out, sees what you're about, questions your pleather pants.
She might not have made the decision of "YES! I'm interested!" by the end of the night. BUT, she might be considering it, which works highly in your favor, right?
You ask her out for a second date, she says yes. Does this mean she's for sure interested? Nope! But give her credit for considering it and working at her pace. By the end of the second date, she has likely decided whether she's interested.

Having had a series of first dates, I easily came to the conclusion that, yes, I would see each of those guys again. However, I wasn't "interested" in all 30 guys. There were about a dozen I was really hoping would ask me out again. The others, I had such a great time with that I thought, "Why not?"
(Sidenote, I feel I should mention that my project was a little different from the "normal" dating world, in that I didn't have time to go on second dates since I was stacking so many other first dates in. Instead, I was able to communicate with most of the guys a little more over email - if they were interested. Those exchanges gave me plenty of time to assess my interest in the 7-10 guys I found myself attracted to the most.)


A "yes" to a second date doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you. But... it doesn't mean she's not either. :)

A first date is a meet-n-greet. A second date can give you a better idea about the judgments you made on the first date.
So for you girls... before you say 'no' to a second date (or even a first), it's worth considering whether you've judged too much too soon.

In general, I tend to think this: If we as a society embraced this idea of going out on second dates to see if things flow a little better, wouldn't it relieve some of the pressure of a first date?

Me. Time.

A few days ago the world's oldest woman, Eunice Sanborn, died at 114 years old. She was born in 1896. Before the Wright Brothers flew. She outlived her only child, a daughter who died at 90 years old. She also outlived three husbands and joked of scoping out a fourth!

The new reigning champ of longevity is Besse Cooper, who's also 114.

And the oldest person ever recorded lived until 122 years old!!!
Also a woman.

Right now, there are 85 people who are older than 110 years old; 80 of them are women, only five are men. According to the Gerontology Research Group, there are a few factors that play into this extra-long longevity. Among them, genetics, a healthy body weight, and being female.

This confuses me. Especially when you tie in the last factor that plays into a long life: a positive outlook.
If it's true that positive, stress-free people live longer, then why are women outliving men?

The American Psychological Association says, in general, women tend to report higher levels of stress than men. Women also have a higher tendency to feel like they're not able to manage their stress well. They're less likely to set time aside for themselves. They feel more "responsible" for the well-being of everyone and everything.

On average, men tend to be taller, stronger, faster, less likely to be overweight, and have lower stress than women. But in many countries, women tend to live an average 10 years longer.

Recently, scientists have pointed to one key factor in these women's long lives. Friends.
In fact, having close social ties could increase your chances of a longer life (7.5 years longer on average) by 50%. In fact, the advantage to having friends can extend your life just as long as it would if you were a non-smoker!

Like everyone, there have been days when I've felt like life has been pretty rough. Thankfully, those have been the days when my friends come to my rescue. They remind me to keep my chin up and to keep pushing forward. They give me purpose. In a sense, they save me.
Could good friends really be saving - and extending - our lives?

I come from a long line of long lives. My grandpa lived until 100. With such good genes and even better friends, I imagine I could live forever.





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Brad Womack is Not an Idiot

Yes. I'm watching "The Bachelor" this season. It's been dubbed the "most controversial season" ever. Enh. Sure. I guess so.
A guy gets his second chance at being the bachelor after dumping both girls in the finale of his first season. You call it controversial and I'll call it smart ratings ploy. (I must admit, it makes this former TV producer so proud!) Good job giving the show a little spin since it desperately needs a new gimmick as its episodes drone on season after season.

I used to watch the show religiously when it first aired. My girlfriends would come over to my house and we'd eat high-carb treats and soak up low-brow television. We'd cheer on Trista as she chose her now-husband Ryan. We'd yell at Bob as he tossed aside cute-as-a-button Kelly Jo. We rooted for Portland girl, Meredith. Then I quit watching it. I couldn't handle all the cat-fights, the players, the self-promoters, the weird engagements at the end.

Then it started to seep its way back into my consciousness. I didn't realize just how much it was on my radar until the other day, when my husband and I were having lunch at our favorite sushi spot. A cute guy wearing sunglasses walked in and I said, "I think I know him from somewhere..." I couldn't figure it out. Did I work with him? Had I dated him? In college maybe.
No, no. It was just former "Bachelor" Jake Pavelka.
I hate it when I see celebrities and confuse them for my best friends.

But aside from my apparent over-absorption with reality television, here's the thing I like about Mr. Womack. If nothing else, the guy is trying to hold himself accountable. Even if he walks away with no one on his arm in the end, it seems like he'll walk away having made an effort to make himself be a little vulnerable, humble, and present through this experience. In the meantime, my heart can't help but hurt a little for those girls who walk away after being rejected from this guy and have it weigh on their self-esteem. "What's wrong with me?" they whimper. "How will I ever find anyone who likes me??!"
Getting dumped - whether it's for 12 other girls or whatever - is never fun. I just feel bad for any girl who feels like one guy saying, "You're not the one for me" is interpreted as "You're not the girl for anyone." But girls tend to do that when we're dumped. At least I did. All the time.

When I was doing my dating project (a much more prudish and less weighty experience than this tv show), people always asked me, "What are you gonna do with all the leftovers?" I came to realize they were talking about the 29 guys I didn't pick for my 31st date. They would ask, "What's wrong with them?"
I would have to explain, that nothing was wrong with them. But there was the simple fact that I had to narrow it down to one. I couldn't emotionally or financially afford to take out 30 guys on one date. It just wasn't gonna happen.

Reason has a hard time balancing itself with emotion sometimes. Especially when it comes to such a heated topic like dating. These girls on The Bachelor are so isolated from all other men in the world that they somehow walk away thinking Brad was their last chance. Whereas, Brad's just a dude. He's just trying to figure it out. He stops every time a girl cries to wonder how he messed with her head. He seems like he's legitimately doing his best not to walk away treating these girls like they're nothing.
Still, for some of them, it's hard not to feel that way. And I know I'll keep watching them cry as they question their self-worth. My past breakups and despair will help me empathize. And I'll keep watching every Monday, hoping that Brad ends up learning something out of all of this and doesn't end up being hated (once again) by every woman in America. I'll keep being surprised every time I feel like he's being genuine. And hopefully I'll remember we're not best friends if he passes by in the future.

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Man Takes Wife's Last Name: Is This the Groom of the 21st Century?

Thank you so much for all of your feedback about my last entry on changing last names. From the comments, the emails, to the feedback from my Facebook friends, I feel so much more... confused! :) ha! But truthfully, I feel as if I've gained a lot of insight from people who have really thought about this issue. Especially from one man, a progressive guy who's helping change the way we look at men in the 21st century.

Mark and his fiancee, *"Jill", have been going back and forth about the big question: Once we're married, will we be dealing with a name change?
And yes! They will! But Mark's bride will not be the one filing all the paperwork with Social Security and the DMV. MARK is changing his last name to HERS!

Mark will marry his lovely fiancee this coming Saturday, and he's expecting to hear a few snickers when they have said their "I do's" and are introduced with his bride's last name. He knows he's going against American tradition, and he doesn't really care.
Now, before all of you traditionalists turn your noses up (I can already hear the scathing comments being written in your heads!), you should know that Mark and his fiancee have spent months talking about this, and they both are excited about being married and making this big decision together. And just in case you're wondering, no, his last name is not a horribly long or unfortunate sounding name.

Here's a synopsis of Mark's decision, in his own words:

"In July she started talking about what she's going to do about her name. Like in your blog - all the factors that women consider. Should she keep it, hyphenate, take my name . . . and what about the kids we're planning to have. All that stuff. Then she asked for my opinion, and I told her that I'd prefer me, her, and the kids to all have the same last name. So, about two months later, she brought the topic up again, and reminded me of what we'd both said.
"Then she said (and I'll never forget this), "If we all have the same last name, why can't it be mine?" She said it as a joke, but I told her that I'd think about it seriously. So I did. And then I found myself in the position of the typical female. Hyphenate? Too bulky. Keep my name? But then we'd have different family names. Take her name? Yowww. Big blow to male ego.
"Then I thought about it some more. She is well established in her career and I am not."

Is this a sign of things to come?

200 years ago, American brides would change their name in a nanosecond. Their Jane Hancock would become Jane Smith once the dowry was passed. Those were the days when wedding dresses weren't necessarily white but were the nicest, cleanest gown they had hanging. That's when June brides were so in vogue since June was the month that most people bathed.

Then in 1855, activist Lucy Stone changed the game. She is the first known American woman to keep her birth name. Since then, there's been an increase in the rate of women keeping their maiden names. In 2004, around 10% of American women opted against automatically taking their husband's surname. And couples are finding other ways of switching up the name game. While some people will opt to keep their maiden names or hyphenate, some couples will come up with an entirely new name for their new family.
The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, combined his last name with his wife's. He was Villar and she was Raigosa. They're since divorced, and he has kept their shared name.

Until only a few years ago, the woman's last name would change automatically once she was married. As far as the state was concerned she was Mrs. Joe Hansen. Some states are easier to make the change in others, but many states require high legal costs when it comes to going against America's traditional girl-takes-boy's-name system.

Our friend, Mark, is already jumping through those legal hoops in his state. He's been filing paperwork so that, come Saturday, he and his bride will be ready to start their lives together with their new family name. He's already received negative criticism, which he's expected, and he's dealing with it:

"As for male ego, yeah it's taken a hit. But don't you think that the world would be at least a bit better if a few of us took an ego hit now and again, while your side got more authority and more credit? ....
"It's not like I'm becoming Jill's property (which is the basis for the traditional rule that the women gives up her name) but it is an unequal situation in that the name that defines you, for most reasons, is your last name and mine is the one that is about to change. However, I think that equality can be overrated some times and, more importantly, a relationship in which the couple is "keeping score" is doomed from the start.

"Finally, I love Jill so much. I'm not much into wedding protocol or formality, but I'm really looking forward to Saturday afternoon when we face the audience and the minister introduces us for the first time as Mark and Jill *Brighton."

Kudos to Mark. He and his bride have already received monogrammed towels with their new last initial, which, he admits, was a little strange to see. But he says the biggest challenge - aside from the legal battles - is trying to figure out the right terminology to use. Since he is no maid, he doesn't really have a "maiden name." Our culture is so accustomed to women taking the man's name that there is no masculine counterpart to the term "maiden." Mark's choice? He's going with "bachelor name."
I like it.
What do you think? (I've posted a poll if you feel like voting)

Here is some feedback from other people who've dealt with name changes pre or post marriage:

"I decided to hypen my two last names to honor both my Hubby and the name I've made for myself in [my career]"

"I had already published with my maiden name so I tacked on my husband's last name after I got married."

"I kept all my names with my married name at the end with no hyphen."

"I've always felt that a name isn't just a name, it's your identity. It's who you are."

"I kept all of my names [first, middle, maiden, married]. At work and with anything public, I use my maiden nameme. It may have started out as a thing for my dad [there are no boys in our family] but now, it's for me and it's for my husband. Using my married name represents our life together. It represents privacy. It represents my special something. I'm just not a public person. Not everyone gets to know everything about me."

"I was at the peak of my career as [my maiden name] so if I were to go into an audition as [my married name] and a casting director wants to Google me, they wont find me. . . for now, I'm sticking with [my maiden name] just cause of Google."

*name change

What's in a name?

For the past year I've been trying to figure out my new name.

Boys don't have to deal with this. They are born as Sam Smith and they stay that way. Girls? We have somehow traditionally been stuck with the decision making. Shall I just take his name? Should I keep my maiden name? Should I hyphenate?

A few years back I was really anti-name-change. I had just started dating a guy and we were sitting among a bunch of friends when this same discussion came up. From across the room he argued, "WHY wouldn't a girl change her last name? That's so dumb. She's part of a new family now, so she should change it."
"Well..." I piped in earnestly, baffled by his ignorance, "I'm not changing my name."
We stopped dating.

When I married Mr. Johnson I quickly became Mrs. Johnson. Maybe it's because I was in my 30s when I married. Or maybe it's because I had my whole career using my maiden name. Or maybe it's because there is only 1 Tamara Duricka in this world and (according to all-knowing google) there are more than 1,094 women named Tamara Johnson... I've been having a hard time with the switch. This has been a bit more than an identity crisis as I try to figure out which name to stamp on the front of my new little book.

These are the thoughts that go through my head...
*I did this project using my maiden name, so keep my maiden name as part of it.
*I'm married now. This is about a cynical girl who wanted to be better at dating and was surprised when she ended up married. Be sure to use your married name somewhere.
*Use all three names. It'll be fine even though it's a mouthful.
*Don't use all three. No one should, unless your name is awesome like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Besides it gives away the ending.
*Johnson is simple and easy to pronounce. The maiden name isn't, so drop it.
*There are already at least three other authors who have used 'Tamara Johnson' (two with a middle initial)
*Go totally different and use your given middle name: Tamara Jane Johnson. It's cute (and secretly my favorite).
*No. No one knows you as that name, why would you use that?
*Does it really matter? You will be lucky if anyone other than your mom actually reads that thing anyway.

I've chatted with a few women who've debated their name changes over the years. They get married and use their married name. Then they change back to their maiden name at work. People think she got divorced. Or she actually gets divorced. And then maybe she remarries.

In many ways, I hate the fact that women have been forced into such a traditional role. Why is it our choice? Why can't they change their names? I remember that old boyfriend said to me in heavy defense, "Women should change their name. You're becoming part of a whole new family! What will your children call you?"
"Uh... MOM."

But this name-changing opportunity does give us a chance to own our own identities. What do we want people to call us? How much of a statement is a married woman making if she chooses her husband's name? Is it an even bigger statement when she doesn't?
I have a friend who took her husband's last name when they married only under the condition that he take her maiden name as another middle name. Apparently it was much more difficult at the Social Security office for him to add a middle name than it was for her to change her last name. I had struggles at the Social Security office too when I kept having to clarify "keep my entire name. 'Duricka' is just a second middle name. So four names altogether: Tamara Jane Duricka Johnson." They still got it wrong, forcing me to walk back in their and clarify. Again.
The government must be so accustomed to American women dropping their maiden names that they have no idea what to do when we come up with something different.
Is this all too archaic? How important is it really?

I think of dear Samuel Clemens, who would still have been one of the best authors of all time had he stuck with his real name and not gone with Mark Twain. Does it really matter what we call ourselves? Isn't it more important that we deliver something substantial to the world than what we call it?

When my parents divorced, my mom kept her married name. That way people would know she was our mom. Plus, the paperwork is a hassle. Then she remarried and considered keeping my dad's last name. My step-dad wasn't too keen on that idea. So she changed it to what is apparently the most popular Irish name: Pat Kelly.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, scene ii)

What do you think about your name? Have you changed it? Would you?

Getting your head out of the head-games

I have a friend who's gone out with a guy a few times and she's already started to get her head tied in knots about him. She's not really sure if she likes him, but she's starting to play that seemingly never-ending head-game of "does he like me?".

I can't recall any guys I know who've thought this way, but there are countless examples of women I know who get into this train of thought. This can be a painful trick we play on ourselves. We start to get so distracted by the attention of a guy - good or bad - that somehow we forget to focus on whether we like him. Instead, we get so distracted by wondering "does he like me" and allow it to weigh on our self-esteem, or worse, we allow it to define our level of attractiveness or date-ability.

For a few weeks, my friend in question has asked me for some advice on this situation. I've started to think that, for her, maybe it would be easier if dating were approached more like it was a business. One of the suggestions I've given her is exactly what I wish someone had told me when I started to trip-out: go out with more guys. She's in the "interviewing stage" with this one guy, so why not see her other options?
Dating more than one person helps you avoid sinking into the trap of those head games we play on ourselves. It helps you remember how much control you have in deciding whether you like someone. It helps remind you that "there are other fish in the sea."
First dates are just dates. They can be nerve-racking and scary, but they can also be fun. If you're looking for new ways to think about dating, try to think of them as opportunities to meet a new friend. Besides, most people you go out on a first date with, you will not marry. If you go in with the expectation and heavy weight of "is this the One?" with every person you go on a first date with, you are likely spoiling an opportunity to meet a good friend. Besides, as my mom always told me after a fouled first date, "he could have friends!"
Going out on a handful of first dates sounds like a daunting idea to anyone, especially if you're a person like me, who wasn't exactly savvy at landing a lot of dates. Dating can be so heavy sometimes. So maybe it's best in those situations that we stop thinking of dating as "dating" and instead think of it more like we approach the business world.

One of the most common questions people ask me about my dating project is, "How did you get that many guys to go out with you?"
Mostly... I did a lot of begging.
There are other ways to find a first dates: online dating sites, speed dating events, asking out a friend (sometimes a lunch "date" with someone else helps distract you from the mess in your head), or setting up a blog or facebook page publicizing your need for some suitors. For me, I found the best way to find single guys was to ask my friends for set-ups.
Being asked to set friends up can feel like a lot of pressure for some people. No one wants to set you up with a bozo; they strive to help you meet the love of your life. And somehow it seems as if right when you ask to be set up, all those people who once said, "I have the perfect guy for you" don't come to mind. It can be scary to ask for dating help. So maybe it's easiest to think of asking for help with dating just as you would asking for business help. Instead of thinking of first dates as "dating," maybe try to think of it simply as networking.

I recently read a couple great pieces by Jodi Glickman in the Harvard Business Review about networking and asking for favors. The articles suggest tips on asking for favors, and I think they apply not just to networking for new jobs, but also to dating. Here are those four tips, with a twist.

When it comes to asking for a set-up:

1. Set the stage, "I have a favor to ask you..."
This starter has so much power in it. It not only sets the stage, but it also gives the receiver a second to establish what's about to happen. One of my biggest pet peeves when someone asks me for a favor is that they don't tell me they're asking me for a favor. Instead it feels more like a trap as they begin, "Tamara, are you free on Thursday night?" or "Are you busy on Saturday morning?" I hear this all the time at church. It happens enough that I have begun answering people that yes, I am busy on Wednesday at noon. So busy!
Prefacing your inquiry with "I'm hoping you can help me" or something of that sort gets people to start getting into the mode of figuring out if they can really help you.

2. Give a reason
Harvard Business Review suggests giving reasons behind your requests. This makes sense with dating too, but I'm thinking it would be more appropriate if you clarified what kind of date you're looking for. "I'm trying to look for someone to go with me to a work party on Friday," or "I've been going out with this guy and I'm trying to figure out
Maybe set up some easy parameters: "I'm looking for anyone who seems emotionally stable and would like to have a good conversation over lunch," or whatever seems appropriate to your situation.

3. Provide and Escape Clause
Harvard suggests a simple, "If you can't think of anything, I totally understand." Sure. I can buy that.

What most impressed me by the HBR advice was the addendum article, entitled, The Biggest Mistake People Make After Receiving a Favor. Which brings me to...

4. Closing the Loop
This is just a little follow-through. It helps keep your relationship going with the receiver and it shows your appreciation, even if things didn't work out. Harvard suggests closing the loop after someone writes you a recommendation (did you get the job/get into college or not?) or connects you to a business partner (did you ever have a conversation with so-n-so?). This act of closing the loop with dating is essential. People get nervous when setting up their friends, so they need feedback. Even a quick, "Bob seems nice" (even if Bob is a jerk) will suffice. Closing the loop helps you remain as someone people like helping. Plus, it's just nice.

Over the last couple years I've been really happy to help people with setups, or give them advice on dating, or even help them set up their own "31 Dates"-inspired projects. When those friends come back to me months later and announce "I'm engaged!" or "I gained 10 pounds with all those meals but it sure was fun," my relationship with these friends continues to grow. And isn't that what all this is about anyway? Better relationships?

What are some ways you've gotten your head out of crazy head games?
How have you approached love as a "business of dating?"

The Crazy Ex

You have known that person. You may have been that person. No one likes being remembered as "The Crazy One."

Today I read this great article about America's favorite crazy girl, Lindsay Lohan. Just days after her release from rehab she moved into her new place... right next door to her ex, Samantha Ronson. For some reason, this makes me think of one ex of mine from years ago who moved all the way across the country to the apartment complex next to mine. Somehow his move now seems less crazy.

Lots of people can claim regret over the things we did out of desperation. The emails sent too soon. The long drive to the lost love's home/work/hangout. The weight gain. The weight loss. The tears shed in moments of wondering why the relationship ended. The begging. The bargaining. Crazy doesn't really look great on any of us.
Except maybe on Lindsay.

Okay now your turn. What is the craziest thing an ex has done in your life?

Congrats! ANOTHER 31 Dates Engagement!

Here's a very important shout-out to Janelle, one of the many girls who was so inspired by my dating project, 31 Dates in 31 Days, that she had to jump into her own 31 dates. Today she's announcing to the world her great news -- Janelle's ENGAGED to her 31st date! Congrats Janelle and Josh! Couldn't be happier for you two!

These two are the second engaged couple I've known to follow my dating project footsteps and find their way to true love.

After my project, my friend, John Canzano used his radio show in Portland, Oregon to set up his buddy Kevin on 5 dates in 5 days. Among the lucky ladies Kevin was hooked up with was Deb Blake, a hot single mom (who happens to be big sis to Lakers' guard Steve Blake). When I finally met Deb in person last Summer, she announced that she and Kevin are engaged to be wed!

I'm really excited for both of these couples. Congrats on taking a risk and shaking up your dating adventures. I am still blown away when I realize all the fantastic ruckus I caused in my own life with my dating project. I'm happy to have helped inspire some risk and ruckus in the lives of others as well!

For those of you continuing your own dating adventures these days, keep having fun and don't give up hope! There is so much fun to be had! I truly believe every person we come across can teach us something, so thank you to each of you for the great lessons you've taught me so far in life.

Congrats again Janelle and Josh... and Deb and Kevin!

The Gift of Giving and Why I Throw Walnuts in Corners

In the midst of holiday bliss, birthday fun (yay!), and getting sick... again (boo!), I somehow managed to find gifts for family and friends. Still, with all my efforts to get great gifts, somehow I ended up feeling like a total Scroogy-McScroogerston when the big day arrived.

This year was "our first Christmas" as husband and wife, so we're starting to figure out what sorts of traditions we'd like to incorporate... tree, stockings, volunteering, caroling, and of course, throwing walnuts in the corner. It's been years since I've celebrated Christmas like I used to with my dad (who died when I was a teenager), but this year we were lucky to get a good dose of Duricka Christmas Eve at my aunt's.
Our family holiday rituals are steeped in Slovak traditions. We begin with Oblatky (a little wafer that's much like Eucharist/communion/sacrament) and pour some honey on it to keep us sweet. We eat "poor man's dinner" which is a sausage and sauerkraut soup. We crack open walnuts to check our luck for the next year (black walnut = bad times ahead). And then we take whole walnuts and throw them in the corners of the room. You know... to bless the house. The walnuts stay there the whole year. It was so great to introduce my long-held family traditions to my husband, even if the traditions are a little strange.

What I wasn't anticipating was the plethora of presents that were then unveiled, with PILES of gifts taller than the beanpole 10-year-old. I'm not sure I've seen a stash like that before! The kids received all of the presents a child would hope for his whole life! I started to feel as if the gifts we brought (or didn't bring) were minuscule offerings brought to the king's party. I was a little overwhelmed and started to worry that our little gifts might not be as awesome as I had thought they were.
Is this the kind of Christmas loot kids are expecting these days? Am I this out-of-touch?
A couple weeks ago, I watched as my husband was Then, dressed as Santa and the little kids asked for presents I understood: Barbies, footballs, Red-rider b.b. guns. Then, a 10-year-old asked for an iPhone. "An iPHONE?" asked Santa. "Even I don't have an iPhone!"
Santa's got a Blackberry.

How much pressure do you feel when it comes to getting gifts?