31 Dates in 31 Days

14 Days of Valentines - DAY 1

2012-02-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

It's DAY 1
and I'm already asking, "What did I get myself into?"

My intention with the 14 Days of Valentines sounds pretty simple: share some great, affordable date ideas, do my best to actually go out on those dates, while also going out of my way to share love with my friends and neighbors. Mix that in with jobs, volunteer work, and an upcoming travel schedule and I find myself with my head in my hands wondering how the heck I'll pull all this off.
For starters, I've made myself an advent calendar. I cut out 14 hearts, numbered them, strung them with ribbon, and have written our date ideas for the 14 Days of Valentines on the back of each heart.

TODAY'S DATE IDEA: BRING THE OUTSIDE IN

I love the idea of bringing the outside in for dates. This is great for people who are already familiar with one another. I'm not too keen on recommending at-home dates for first dates. After all, safety is key, so keep those first dates with "strangers" in a public place! Your mother would say the same! But keep this date idea in mind once you get to know someone well. It won't disappoint!

Back when I was in college, I mentioned to my friend Jeff that I hadn't been to a drive-in movie theater since I was a kid. There were no drive-in theaters around at the time, not to mention it was the dead of Winter near the foothills of Virginia. Jeff improvised.
He and some of his fraternity brothers found a couple of refrigerator-sized cardboard boxes and turned it into a CAR. They cut holes for windows, the windshield, cut out big circles for the wheels, drew a license plate on the back. They even cut out a handle for the "door," which Jeff held open for me as I climbed inside and onto a comfy chair. Jeff popped in a movie into the VCR and we ate microwave popcorn. I think I smiled through the entire cheesy 90s chick flick.
To me, it was the world's best surprise date. Jeff had taken an off-hand comment I'd made about drive-in movies and saw it as an opportunity for creativity. What a great guy! Although I am embarrassed to admit, my 19-year-old insecure self thought Jeff was "too good" for me and I never thought of dating him seriously. **rolling my eyes at myself**

Equally as thoughtful was my fifth date with my now-husband.
Yes, that's right, I remember it was our fifth date. By the time I started dating him I'd become so accustomed to counting my 31 Dates that I counted every one of our dates until we got up to date #23. I guess by that time I'd assumed we were exclusive.
**now YOU'RE rolling your eyes, aren't you?**
So it was our fifth date and I'd made a similar off-hand comment about how I loved to go camping. Coincidentally, he had recently bought a tent. We set up the tent in my living room, I drew some stars to hang above us, and we played a board game. Tonight, we stepped-up the indoor camping theme. I spent the early part of the evening talking about love and my 31 Dates in 31 Days experience with a group of women. When I came home my husband had set up this in our living room:

That's right. Our tent, complete with guitar, pillows, blankets, and even this:

That's our little s'mores maker: chocolate, graham crackers, and a little holder for cooking fuel for us to roast marshmallows. For dinner, my husband put together tin foil dinners.

I'm so thankful he helped put this date night together! I even had a little surprise for him. I dragged out the map of stars we had drawn the night of our fifth date, three years ago. Yep! I held onto it!

This was a great date for us. How often can you camp while watching a movie? Or bring your cat?
Total cost: $12 for the s'mores goodies and tin foil veggies.
Can't wait for Day 2 of The 14 Days of Valentines!

How did you kick off Day 1?

Valentine Date Ideas

2012-01-31T13:47:00.000-08:00

Occasionally people ask me to offer some creative date ideas or they wonder, "Is there a source for great date ideas around?" While there are some sites that claim to have great date ideas, I haven't found one I feel wholly comfortable recommending. Mostly because those sites always give spendy ideas that make dating sound like a once-in-a-lifetime occasion and I tend to come from the belief that we should try to date more often (Yes, even those of you who are married. Get off the couch and GO OUT!).

Dating doesn't have to be overwhelming. Typically there needs to be some element of "newness." So if you're with someone new, the adventure doesn't always need to be as difficult to find. But if you've been coupled for a while, it might be a bit more challenging to find something new to do. It's important to try to do something different because frankly, our brains and bodies need the newness to keep our interests alive.
There are two different chemicals that boost when our interests pique: dopamine and adrenaline. Those are the chemicals triggered when we meet someone new, gain interest, and become hooked. In fact, our brains look chemically the same when we're in love as they look when someone is high on COCAINE. It's true! Thus, the reason we become so attached and simply can't get enough of a person when we fall hard (not to mention the agonizing pain we feel if they were to leave!).
But a relationship doesn't need to be brand new to feel that "love high." When we hit that point in our relationships where life seems a bit too repetitive and filled with reoccurring nights on the couch, we can always boost our brains by simply doing something different.
So...
Over the next two weeks, I'm doing something that might inspire you to go out on a few dates, meet someone new, or maybe help remind you to reach out to old friends.

Starting tomorrow, in the spirit of 31 Dates in 31 Days, I'm kicking off
14 DAYS OF VALENTINES!

Akin to the "12 Days of Christmas" I want to spend the next 14 days offering fun and affordable date ideas that most of us can do, no matter where we live. I'm going to do my best to go on many of these dates with my husband, in spite of our horribly busy schedule. I guess I should tell him about all this...

Care to join me in the challenge?

When it comes to relationships and dating, simplicity is key. What simple acts can you do over the next 14 days to get into the groove of love, dating, romance, or whatever could use a boost in your life? Could you write a card to a friend every day? Ask someone out on a date? Be a volunteer?
Can't wait to get started. These next two weeks will be BUSY!

Also, if you're looking for a great Valentine's Day gift for your friends, don't forget about buying the book, 31 Dates in 31 Days! Still available for just around $10.

Do Open Marriages Work?

2012-01-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

I don't typically chat about politics in an open forum, and I still don't intend to do so. But there is one topic that recently made me wonder, "Can that work?"
In the midst of all the political fodder, one thing that's come up in the news lately is Newt Gingrich's alleged suggestion having an "open" marriage with his wife. Do they really work? Or is asking your wife for an open marriage the first step toward divorce? In Newt's case, apparently, yes. Part of me feels like the desire for an open marriage is akin to a girlfriend asking if we can "see other people."

Aside from that, here's Jon Stewart's take on Newt's marriages, which I found funny.

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

The Cost of Quick Engagements

2012-01-23T15:36:00.000-08:00

Back in the 60s when my parents were dating, they had one of those "where are we going with this?" discussions. It was a Friday. They were at work, or on their way to work, or something. Dad was a photographer at the San Gabriel Valley Tribune here in California. Mom was a reporter.
My father made it clear that his intention was to marry her, but that he was wary of a church wedding.
"Well, why don't we elope then?" my mom asked.
"I think I'd prefer that," says Dad.
"So, what would stop us from driving to Vegas and getting married then?"
"Well," Dad thought for a second, "I guess nothing."
"What's stopping us from doing that, say... tonight?"
He nods. "Nothing I can think of."

And that was the proposal.

As my mom now recalls, "We decided to get married on a Friday, bought rings on our lunch hour, drove there after work, and got married at City Hall."
They were married during the late shift, which cost an extra $25.

Two days later they hit the road, married in the Clark County Courthouse, and drove back to southern California to report the news to my grandparents. Yowza.

Fast forward to 2011. Vegas is still home to quick weddings. And 30 other states now allow couples to marry without a waiting period. In fact, over the last few weeks, New Jersey legislators have been trying to eliminate their three-day waiting period that's in place for couples wanting to marry in that state. After all, no waiting period would mean they could charge more for a marriage license and could boost Atlantic City as a wedding destination comparable to Las Vegas. The bill passed in both the state's House and Senate assemblies, but just last week Governor Chris Christie rejected the bill. Sorry Jersey Boys. Looks like you'll have to wait 72 hours before tying the knot there!

Here's a list of the 20 states (plus DC) where you'll have to wait a few days if you're feeling on the verge of instant nuptials:

What Do These Commercials Tell Us About Marriage?

2012-01-21T07:01:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been seeing a few commercials that have similar undertones, all of them indicating this: "Don't get married; have fun instead!"

Take a look at these two:

I'll admit, maybe I'm being sensitive. But this does bring me back to a conversation I had several years ago with a woman who'd been married 20 years. I told her how I was glad I'd spent my twenties single since it'd given me an opportunity to really "live" life. Her response surprised me. "Really?" she said. "I felt like getting married gave me the excuse to start doing everything I'd ever wanted to do."
We all have different perspectives, and that moment changed mine.

Honda says it's not that the fun can't happen after the milestones, they're just talking about making a list of your goals before taking the next big leap in life - or a "Leap List." It's kind of like a "bucket list," but instead of coming up with every goal you want to accomplish before kicking the bucket, you can think in smaller, more manageable dreams that you can accomplish before taking your next big leap.

Still, those commercials make me wonder - do people really believe our best or most exciting adventures in life need to end when our partnering begins?
If so, what does that mean when we have kids??

The Music Still Lasts

2012-01-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

Blues singing icon, Etta James, died this morning at 73 years old from complications from leukemia. James was best known for her love songs, especially "At Last," which is consistently ranked the number one song chosen for a bride and groom's first dance. It seemed appropriate to choose it as this weekend's Love Song.

We'll miss you Etta, and we'll keep on dancing.

Here's a link to the rest of The Knot's top 50 first dance songs.

Happy Anniversary!

2012-01-16T06:50:00.000-08:00

Today's a big anniversary day for me.

Three years ago I was on Date #2 of my "31 Dates in 31 Days" Project.

See that picture? It was taken on January 16th, 2009. That guy in the picture is Joel. We'd gone to a dance recital in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Even though I'd known Joel already, I was really nervous. I'd just begun my project. Not to mention, a lot of people we knew would also be at the recital, including Joel's parents. We managed to say hello to a few friends before heading out into the near-zero-degree weather and strolled across the Brooklyn Bridge. And those were among the first steps I took that helped change my attitude about - well, everything. Love, dating, men. I'm so grateful for those days.

As for Joel, he's now married!

In fact, seven of the guys I met during the 2009 project are hitched. Of course, including my husband.

And today is my two year wedding anniversary. Yay!

I love this time of year when I can re-live all the good stuff.

Wanna' re-live my project with me? Check out the book!

When it Comes to Weddings, January is the New Black [Friday]

2012-01-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

"Brides" January 2012 cover

If you don't own this magazine, all of your newly-engaged friends probably do. In fact, the January edition of Brides magazine is always its best-selling issue. That's because January - following the flurry of holiday wedding proposals - is high time for kicking off "enagement season."

The website WeddingWire says that its web traffic more than doubles between January and February. The Monday following New Year's Day always sees a surge in new membership for the site, and they say that's because one-third of all engagements are announced between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

January is the month when lots of women get distracted at work by the sparkle of their new rings. They spend less time on work and Facebook and opt for more time on The Knot checking off items on their "to do" lists and watching the countdown tick: Only 252 more days to your wedding! Some of them get so dizzied by the planning, checklists, and constant address requesting that they become future Bridezillas without noticing.

January 16, 2010

In all its craziness and fun, wedding planning moves to the forefront from January to March. That's when you'll hear local commercials buzz for big wedding expos coming to your convention center. Wedding planners, bridal gown retailers, and cake stores are ready for the rush of requests. After all, American weddings didn't become a $70 billion industry without preparation and fortitude.

As for me, January is my anniversary month. To be more specific, this is my anniversary weekend.

Three years ago I embarked on my 31 Dates in 31 Days project.

Exactly one year later, I married the best man ever. But you can still call him Date #31 if you want.

So while my friends are flipping through their magazines and creating ideas for the best wedding EVER, we're away celebrating the fact that we don't need to plan all that wedding craziness anymore.

sources

In Sickness and In Health, Part 3

2012-01-14T17:28:00.000-08:00

I've told you about my amazement at the solid marriage and teamwork between my friend Dana and her husband, Mike. Now I want you to hear their side of the story.

They've been married a couple years and are still figuring out marriage, not to mention figuring out how to balance a busy work life with their challenges at home - especially with Mike's disability. He was paralyzed from the chest down when he was 17 which forced him to use a wheelchair. Now he's learning what it means to share the challenges of his disability with his wife. These two make such an impressive team. Sometimes I read about their experiences and I wonder, "How do they manage it all?" They're still figuring it out, but so far they seem to be handling every challenge that comes their way.

Here's my interview with them:

Tamara: Dana, when you first met Mike, did his disability affect whether he was a dating possibility in your mind?

Dana: Certainly. We first met in person, but didn't really remember meeting. We connected through a chance e-mail, and when he first asked me online if we had met in person, the only reason I remembered meeting him was because he was in a wheelchair, and well, that's memorable.

As our relationship grew into a friendship, and then started to get on the verge of something more, I was really scared about all of the disability stuff. I googled my fingers off. I found so many great websites and message boards about spinal cord injuries and read and read and read. I have always been a bit of a researcher. I was scared to death wondering if I would be able to handle everything. Then, I actually flew to Texas to meet him, and I saw that he was way more attractive in person than I even thought he would be, and I knew that despite the physical challenges, that the physical attraction was there.

I drew on the past experience I had in being a caregiver to my grandfather. Just a few years before I met Michael in person, my Papa Tom had a series of strokes, and didn't want to live in a nursing home, so he came home, and as a family (me, my Granny and my Aunt Clara) took care of him, 24 hours a day. It was very challenging, he could do very little for himself. There were times (really personal bathroom type of stuff) that I was the only one who could help him. I saw it as a way to show my Papa love. This was how he needed me to love him. As my relationship with Michael grew deeper, I looked back on that caregiving responsibility I had in my past with Papa Tom, and I knew I had it in me to do caregiving type of stuff. So, it got better as time went on.

Tamara: When you first started talking about a relationship, who was more nervous? Was disability a big issue at that point?

Dana: I think Michael was more nervous. I definitely fell "head over heels' for him first, and I was so smitten, I will admit that I was a bit naive about how challenging everything was going to be. Also, if I'm going to be really honest with you, I will admit to hiding some things that really bothered me, at least for a bit, while we were dating. For example, before we were married, Michael had this giant red wheelchair van. Someone else had to drive it, and there was a wheelchair lift on it, and his chair would be tied down in the back. It eventually came out that I HATED that thing, but at first, I drove it with a smile on my face, even though I definitely hated the spectacle that the giant wheelchair lift van was, I hated tying him down like a piece of cargo, and I hated driving it like I was a chauffeur.

Michael: I figured, by that point, that it was all in her court, because we knew each other for so long, and we were already such good friends, that it was time for something more in our relationship. I was cautious, but not afraid. So, while we were growing our relationship, I was careful to invite her in to the different areas of my disability at different levels. Instead of letting her see everything that I went through and making her do everything from the start, I invited her to help with the smaller, the less awkward things at first. Then, as we continued to get familiar with each other and as we spent more time together, she did more for me. Funny, that one of the first really big things we talked about was having kids. In an afternoon phone call, I pretty much threw it out there, that it might not be easy for us to have kids and this was pretty early on in our relationship. I wanted her to have every opportunity to back out gracefully if she felt uncomfortable.

Tamara: Marriage is already such a major life adjustment for most people. Mike, you'd already faced a major adjustment in your life after your accident. What did you consider would be the biggest adjustment once you both were married?

Michael: There are two people to consider in every decision. Before, I didn't have to wonder how my wife would have to feel about this, how it would affect her, or make plans that included her. I'm a chronic procrastinator and overly cautious about everything. Dana plans everything out, and then she goes for it. She doesn't let anything stop her, once she's determined to do something. My habits and weaknesses are the things that cause a lot of tension. Dana is quick to point out and admit her own bad habits and weaknesses and we work on those things together. But for me, it was easy to coast through life at my pace, and not overexert myself. Now, I'm challenged regularly to be a better person, stronger than I ever have been, because of Dana.

Tamara: What was a big hurdle you faced together? When did you feel as if you'd gotten over it?

Dana: One of my favorite "hurdles" we've faced was on our first anniversary getaway. We rented this tiny little cabinet in the woods, about 2 hours away. It was a romantic little cabin, with a hot tub in the room. Remember, Michael is paralyzed from the chest down and has no ability to move himself from one location to another. He is a fully grown man, and I'm a five foot tall girl. I should not humanly be able to do things like pick him up out of his wheelchair, lift him up and over a hot tub (not the kind that's built into the floor, the kind that's about 3-4 feet high) and into it, without him sinking down in. But, I did it.
We worked together to arrange a series of towels to pick him up, slide him in, and ankle weights to keep him tied down in the right spots. For the record, we had a great time in that hot tub. We did decide to try it BEFORE dinner rather than afterwards, just in case I wasn't able to get him back out. But, I'm happy to report - we used a series of towels and whatever else we could find in the room to slide him back out, up, over and back into the chair again. With no help.
That was a major achievement and we both felt so invigorated in our independence. When I told other couples who are in similar situations as us about that, no one can believe me! Ha!

Tamara: What challenges do you have now? And what do you look back upon during your first couple years together and think, "I can't believe we thought THAT was hard back then?"

Dana: One of the big challenges early in our marriage that I didn't see coming was how all of the attention Michael got would make me feel. This was particularly a problem when we were at church. People were falling all over themselves to say hi to him, shake his hand, fix him a bagel, hold the door open, while I was there, carrying his stuff, the door slamming in my face. People would literally come up to him and greet him, and not say a single word to me.
That hurt me so deeply. I felt invisible. I was depressed, and I was actually jealous when people were like, "Mike, you're so awesome, you're such an inspiration, and we're so happy to have you here," I was thinking awful thoughts like, "What? What about me? Who do you think got him, up, dressed, made his breakfast and drove him here so he could inspire you?... oh, yeah. Me. I'm over here!"
I have gotten used to that now. Now, I realize it's mainly people overcompensating, trying so hard to make him feel "included" (which is hilarious, because he doesn't really ever feel not included he's such a social person!) that they just skip right over me. Michael has also helped a lot, by directing the conversation to me, when I am being ignored, and holding my hand in church, just to remind me that even when I feel like no one else sees me, he does.

Tamara: What are your hopes for your family?

Dana: We hope to have a family one day. Actually, not too far from now. We aren't getting any younger, haha! We hope to start the process of trying in the next year or so. We have to get through this election first, because then my job will calm down a lot. We honestly don't know what to expect when it comes to trying to make a baby. We've never really tried! We expect some challenges, and it will take some help in some way, but we're not sure yet how involved that help will be. We're hoping to be able to pull it off ourselves. We'll see!

Thank you Dana and Mike! I hope your dreams for your family come true!

You see why I think those two are so awesome now, don't you? They blog regularly, so if you want to hear more about their lives, have questions for them, or even if you know someone who could benefit from reading their story, feel free to check out their site here.

In Sickness and In Health, part 2

2012-01-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I told you about a woman's unique family where she and her new husband are committed to caring for her ex-husband, who suffered a traumatic brain injury. Marriage takes a turn - and a toll - when disability is involved.

When I was 12, my mother married my stepfather. It was just about a year later when he was diagnosed with cancer. Illness changes everything. In a few years time, my stepdad turned from a strong, independent man to someone who needed help getting out of his chair and into the bathroom. With his vulnerability came a humble, trusting side of him that I hadn't seen. And it changed his relationships with us. All of a sudden I saw my mom and Keith's romance alter into a completely different form of intimacy. She was there to change his bandages, help with his catheter, and help take care of him in ways we imagine our parents only taking care of us as babies.
My relationship with him also changed. Instead of thinking of him as an annoying stepfather who ruined my life, I saw him as a human in need. I realized that even though I was young I was still someone who could offer him help and support.
In his final days, he lay on a gurney next to the queen-sized bed in my parents' bedroom. I would hear the syncopated beep of his heart monitor and would often walk by the room when he slept during the day, just to make sure I could still hear him breathing. I knew he was dying and wanted nothing more than for him to be happy in his final days. And most certainly, I didn't want him to be alone.
When I look back, I realize that his illness, his death, his dying taught me what true love is. I saw him in his most weak state and he trusted me to care for him. And my mother still misses him dearly, speaking of him as if he just died a few days ago.

I have a few friends who are in similar situations, married to disabled spouses. I call these women "hero wives" because frankly, I don't understand how they do everything. But they don't really like that term. In their minds, they aren't "heroes," they're just wives living up to the vows they made. They understand life is hard. Sometimes it's unfair. Sometimes the fairytale takes a detour on the way to the castle. Still, I have to wonder if I would be nearly as strong if I were in their spots.

For instance, meet my dear friend, Dana Ritter Brown, who I've known since my early days of working in television news. Dana met her husband, Mike, a few years ago online and quickly realized that their friendship was turning into a legit long-distance love. While Dana isn't busy covering news at The White House and Michael isn't busy working from his home office, the two are living the lives of two seemingly typical American lovebirds. They juggle their time between making home-cooked meals, enjoying quiet Saturday mornings, and spending time with their two dogs, Brokaw and Princess. They are grateful for their home and family and are unceasing in their faith to God.
But their lives are also often dictated by what they've come to call the "third partner" in their marriage - disability.

Mike has been in a wheelchair since he was in an accident at 17 years old. Dana, who is able-bodied, would claim she's handicapped by her perfectionism and desire to be moving nonstop. Together they face daily challenges that come with limited mobility. And both Dana and Mike continually share their experiences and challenges on their blog, A Love Like This Life. Truthfully, I often wonder how the two of them have time to chronicle their lives in the midst of such busy lives.

They typically begin their days early - sometimes at 4am - just to make sure that Mike's body is in full working order before both begin their workdays. Some days are easier than others. Dana sometimes breaks down, revealing how angry she is that her husband can't lift himself up when he falls from his chair and how she wishes disability would just take a day off. Mike shares how he hates feeling like a burden and shares how he's learned to accept his fate and has learned to live a life filled with gratitude.

These two are amazing examples to me of what love truly is. They are the ultimate givers to one another. And frankly, I feel like they're giving love to me and everyone else in the world by sharing their stories.

In Sickness and In Health

2012-01-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Here is the most common wedding vow used in America:

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward,

for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

So what do those words mean when "in sickness and in health" means one spouse's health changes everything about who that person is? A couple days ago a beautifully written story appeared in The Washington Post about how illness changed the dynamic of a family into a unique situation that has yielded criticism and commentary from around the world. Here's my crude attempt at summarizing:
In 2003, the husband had a debilitating heart attack that eventually led to such terrible brain injury that he'd forgotten most about his own life and who he was. His children, who were infants at the time, have grown to know him as a father who spends his days in assisted living with people many decades older than he is. His wife committed herself to caring for him while becoming the sole provider for their family. In the following years, she received help from friends, including one man who she'd known since childhood. Their friendship blossomed and eventually she began to have romantic feelings for him.
In the article she discusses how she felt terrible about her romantic feelings. She was still married, even though she'd felt as if all of who her husband "was" was gone. She wanted to keep her vow to care for him but she also longed for companionship - and someone who could fulfill a fatherly role for her children. Eventually, the man proposed and she accepted. She sought help from her husband's family, who was supportive of her new relationship. In the meantime, the new suitor in her life also began a friendship with the disabled husband. The boyfriend would take the husband to breakfast once a week, would make frequent visits, and would email him daily.
With the support of her church and her husband's family, the woman divorced her husband, gained legal guardianship of him, and married the other man under the condition that there would always be care given to the ex-husband.
Since then, the family has a new dynamic. The family now consists of all the children, the new husband, the wife, and the ex-husband.
This is certainly a unique situation. We've heard of people having good relationships with ex-spouses, but there are few who continue to care for them as if they are still upholding the "sickness and health" vows they made on their wedding day.

This topic also reminded me of a trailer for an upcoming movie called The Vow. Enjoy.

Love in 2012

2011-12-31T12:40:00.000-08:00

Who really understands the words to Auld Lang Syne? We hear it every year when the ball drops at midnight, and all I can think about is this moment in "When Harry Met Sally."

Here are the original old Scottish words from Robert Burns and their translation into modern English:

So yes, as Sally says -- "It's about old friends."
Happy new year to you, friend.

In 2012, I resolve to be even more loving to friends and family. What about you? What are your resolutions? Do any of them involve dating? Maybe taking on a dating challenge?? Or buying a copy of your future favorite love story? May 2012 be filled with lots of love - and 31 dates!

Five Ways Your Hormones Trick You In Love

2011-12-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

20/20 post-breakup hindsight usually makes me feel embarrassed about many of the decisions I made during my relationships. I fell for some guys even though I knew they were bad for me. And then I'd long for them when they were gone. And sometimes I'd even feel out of control.

For instance, I had a horribly painful breakup in college. We'd had one of those passionate relationships filled with life-altering dramas and figured our love would conquer all. In my 18-year-old mind, I had won the lottery in love. He was a handsome boy who I remember thinking was particularly unlikeable when we first met, but somehow he'd won me over. He sang beautifully. He wooed me. I loved his family. We'd considered ourselves engaged to one another and even opened a bank account to save money for a ring.
During the Summer, we regularly drove the five-hour return trip to see each other. One day I was nearly to his house when I stopped at a payphone (remember those?). He told me not to come anymore.
"Who is she?" I demanded.
So here was one of those moments when you say something and you wonder whose voice was talking or where the words were coming from. Because I'd never suspected before that my boyfriend was a cheater. He was a scoundrel in many, many other ways, but until that moment, I never thought he'd cheat. I figured those words were somehow given to me by providence, so I pursued them.
"WHO IS SHE?" I yelled, not caring if any of the passersby heard me or saw my frantic, tantrum-having state.
He was silent for a moment and I held my breath for his answer.
"Her name is Kristen."
I stood there in paralytic shock, unsure of what had happened. I hung up the phone and drove back home, two hours wailing through blurry tears. I'd eventually learn that my providential insight was right - that dude was apparently a major cheater the whole time we were together.
The next morning I even had my wisdom teeth removed. I remember laying on that doctor's table with dry tears in the corner of my puffy eyes. They put a huge piece of plastic in my mouth, forcing my mouth open before giving me an anesthetic and asked how I was. With a forced, widened jaw I drifted into teeth-removing medically-induced sleep uttering words no one understood, "My fiance just broke up with me."
The next while was lonely and pathetic. Picture me alone in my pink flannel pajamas after getting my wisdom teeth removed, refusing to take the pain pills because I figured I was dying of a broken heart. And then multiply that by a few weeks. Not a pretty sight. When my stitches healed, I got into my car and drove the two hours to his parents' house. It was one of those moments when I had lost a lot of weight from my non-eating and figured I'd get in a cute dress, look hot, and try to win my boyfriend back. The whole drive, I kept rehearsing my address to him. I kept debating whether I was doing the right thing. And I wondered what Kristen looked like.
No one was home.
I sat outside the driveway for a few hours. If he'd arrive, I'd just tell him that I just got there a few minutes ago. "What a coincidence" that we'd be there at the same time. I could tell him I was on my way somewhere south of him and they happened to be on the way. Instead I chose to write a note and paste it on the door:
Just stopped by to say, "Hi."
And then I drove home.
It was basically the worst breakup of my life. Okay, so those are words people throw around, but in reality, that was the trigger that led me to near-suicide in just a few weeks and kind of messed me up for a long time.

I tend to think my painful, passionate breakup isn't so uncommon. Like many relationships, my emotions, my loneliness, or my depression would rule my heart and my actions. And thus, would lead to lots and lots of mistakes.
Recently I ran across this article, called "The Stupid Things You Do When Dating (and How to Fix Them)." The article basically talks about how our hormones and emotions will play tricks on us, making us thinkwe love someone more than we probably really do. Or we push ourselves into relationships that might not be best for us. So, in the spirit of the "end of 2011 countdowns," I give you their top five stupid mistakes that we make based on how our hormones mislead our hearts:

#5. You believe the opposite sex should always understand what you're saying

#4. You choose the partner you're most likely to lose rather than the best one

#3. You try to hide the physical features you consider unattractive

#2. Wearing cologne, perfume, and body sprays inhibit others from finding you attractive

#1. You confuse heightened emotions for physical attraction

I love their "number one." It makes me think of those reality love shows and how people think they're in love in the end but really they're probably just sharing an intense experience that no one else understands and they confuse it for love.
In fact, after I did my 31 Dates in 31 Days and eventually became engaged to Date #31, I'm pretty sure people thought the same of me. They thought, "this chick is just hooking up with this dude because it's a pretty little ending to her story." There was even one time when I was on Oprah Radio and was asked, "What do you say to critics?"

Okay, so that is a CLASSIC ploy that those of us who regularly interview people use. It's basically the person saying, "I think you're full of crap, but that's not nice to say, so I'll pretend other people are thinking it."
Remember when Tom Cruise jumped on the couch proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes? All of us shook our heads and thought, "CuhRAZY." The next morning Matt Lauer asks, "What do you say to your critics who think, 'This guy is NUTS'?"
I loved having someone else pull that ploy on me.
Although now that I type that out, I do realize that I just compared myself to Tom Cruise on the Crazy Train.

And in further end of the year celebration, here's your New Year's Eve love song of the day, courtesy of Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Now I want to go watch "500 Days of Summer." Such a great movie - unless you're dealing with a recent broken heart and sitting in your pink flannel pajamas...

Happy New Year!

2012 Resolution: Date More

2011-12-29T22:16:00.000-08:00

A few days ago one of my email accounts was hacked. Not so merry a Christmas present for me - and the hundreds of friends who received spam from my account. (Apparently I was spreading email viruses like I wanted to spread Christmas cheer.)
It did give me an excuse to send apologies to all my friends and wish them a merry forthcoming 2012 filled with lots of dates. This is the response I received from my friend, Sara:

I just had a date this evening, in fact. Finishing off 2011 just how I want to begin 2012. :)

Exactly what I hope for all of us.
May your 2012 be filled with 31 Dates!

Keeping Up With Cupid

2011-12-28T23:47:00.000-08:00

What is it about celebrity breakups and make-ups that piques so much interest? I keep wondering how Kim Kardashian became famous for doing nothing and now she's even more famous for her insta-marriage. And there's something that makes the "Bennifers" and "Brangelinas" seem like they're somewhat super-human. People will wonder, "What's it like to be famous and in love with someone so beautiful?"

I'm usually not starstruck. In fact, I'd been at my last job for three years before my life-long best friend found out exactly what I did for a living. She yelled at me from the other end of the phone while clutching her beloved People magazine. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU INTERVIEW FAMOUS PEOPLE???"

Don Cheadle

During my interviews, my favorite questions were always about their personal relationships. But I wasn't interested in the standard gossip. Instead, I always wondered, "How did you meet? And how has your relationship remained strong in the limelight? How have you and your partner lasted so long?"

My favorite response came from Don Cheadle, who's been with his partner Brigid since 1997. "Neither of us wants to leave at the same time."

Recently I was interviewed for a website, called "Cupid's Pulse." On the site you can find lots of details about celebrity couples but they also dabble into those extra tidbits of information about love and dating that we all crave. Here's the interview they did with me. Cruise their site -- and make sure you check out their weekend date ideas. Then help me track down a good discount for it!

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A Very Disney Birth-Date

2011-12-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

So, today's my birthday. And for the 3rd anniversary of my 31st birthday (that seems to be the most common milestone I mention these days), what I really wanted was to go on a date to Disneyland with my husband and live out the dreams and loves of my childhood. Among those loves was this guy:

I loved everything about Donald Duck. His sassy attitude, his spitting, his poor diction, his love for Daisy, his exhibitionism. Everything.

I even had a big Donald Duck night light that sat on top of a tall book shelf. There he was, high above me, watching over me at night as I fell asleep dreaming of seeing him at Disneyland. Eventually Night Light Donald's head fell off. What was left was just the bottom half of his body - duck butt and yellow feet - with a tiny light bulb shining out from it. I still loved that thing and felt as if Donald were close to me.

Over the years I've collected a bit too much Donald paraphernalia. Even our Christmas tree is donned with enough of The Don to have our own themed tree.

So today, my birthday wish was to see Donald again in real life. Ask him if he remembers me. Hug him and take a picture. But this was as close as I got:

I only held his cute face on my beloved ticket, next to my beloved husband. Okay, so maybe my birthday wish to see the D-Man up close didn't happen. But thankfully I have another handsome, funny, sometimes-exhibitionist man by my side to help my childhood dreams come true, and to watch over me as I dream of more adventures at night.

Goodnight dear friends! Thanks for all the birthday wishes throughout the day. It means the world to me to be remembered and to be in each of your lives.

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Going Green With Your Dating

2011-12-19T23:31:00.000-08:00

Have you recycled your exes?

Typically when I hear about a passionate couple having an intense breakup I tend to believe it's only their first round of several breakups. But what about those old flames who pop back into your life after a long sabbatical?

Today I heard this dating phenomenon referred to as being a "green dater." How many times have you gone green? Or are you a person who is truly DONE when you're done?

Ten Pre-Marriage Tips

2011-12-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

After nearly 20 years of marriage, Ann Smith, Executive Director of Breakthrough at Caron, is sharing 10 tips for those people who are considering marriage. I'm curious what you think about her suggestions, especially point number THREE.
Here are her 10 points to review before marriage (and a link for further explanation):
1. Know yourself and your pattern in relationships.

2. Listen carefully to what your new partner says in the first hours and days after meeting.

3. Ignore the fact that you have chemistry.

4. Ask yourself if you could live with this individual exactly as they are today even on their worst days, for the rest of your life.

5. After a few months have passed, notice how you feel about yourself when you are with your partner.

6. Be honest about what this person does not have that you had hoped for in a long term mate.

7. Observe your partner's capacity for love in the rest of his/her life. Also observe your own.

8. Know what your goals and dreams are and commit to keeping them and taking responsibility for your own fulfillment.

9. Get input from those who know you and listen to their feedback.

10. No matter how confident and secure you are in your life as it is, prepare yourself for change.

What's Your Secret?

2011-12-18T16:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, a lovely woman announced that it was her 40th wedding anniversary. I asked her the same question I ask anyone with such similar longevity in their marriage, "What's your secret."

She smiled and raised her index finger, as if announcing a major point. "Marry a good man."

A couple hours later I ran into her husband and asked him the same question.
"Just marry a great woman," he said.
"She said the same about you."
"Well," he said, "I got the better end of the bargain."

So what about you married types? What's your secret?

Marriage Rates, Falling

2011-12-16T16:26:00.000-08:00

"The sky is falling!"

This week a big report came out saying that Marriage Rates are Falling. Let me rephrase. This week, news reports seemed to freak out about the falling marriage rates with the same sort of fervor as Henny Penny warned that the sky was falling.

I kept wondering to myself, "Why are we finally making this a big deal?" We talk about this national syndrome every Fall. Remember what we said last year?

From my 2010 write-up on marriage rates:
While fewer people are marrying, more couples are choosing to live together. The number of Americans co-habitating rose 13% in just one year, to 7.5 million couples. Analysts around the country believe the recession is to blame for the dramatic change.

According to Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, "Men's employment has taken a big hit, and when the guy doesn't have a stable job, couples are more hesitant about tying the knot."
"It makes sense to postpone marriage until economic things are worked out," says Benjamin Karney, co-founder of the Relationship Institute at UCLA. "In the 1950s, two people would get married as a way of starting their adult lives -- that's why you'd give them toasters and plates and linens," Karney said. "Nowadays, marriage is something you build up to and achieve."

Last year's story is similar to this year's. "All time low." "Poor economy is playing a role." "More people are living together." Only in 2010, the reports said that 52% of people were married and now it's only 51%.

Things that have remained fairly consistent since 1960 in America:
1. Fewer people are getting married
2. The median age is increasingly higher when Americans marry for the first time

We have to look at the big picture here. Sure, America's rates are dropping, but what does that really say about our society? Some critics will chant, "the numbers show that America is putting less value on marriage."
Really? Tell that to those same-sex couples who've been fighting for the legal privileges of marriage for decades.

Kim Kardashian is putting less value on marriage. Not America.
Some could even argue the fact that the numbers show that marriage has more value, equalling such a high commitment that people just aren't ready to dive into.

In fact, in light of the recent news, the crew over at SodaHeads took a poll asking simply, "Is marriage relevant?" The reaction: 72% of respondents say YES. Their overall feedback was that, "Marriage will never be outdated. People are just less committed and that is obvious in practically every walk of life."

For the last four decades, we've seen the number of married couples decline by more than 20 percent. We've seen a dramatic increase in the number of couples who live together without marrying. And more people are waiting to be financially stable or have fulfilled certain educational goals. We've watched citizens - and celebrities - change their views on marriage. For instance. Take divorcees Brad and Angelina who say, "When you have six children, you're committed." We all know that philosophy was worthless for "Jon and Kate split after eight."

Is marriage out-dated? Not cool anymore? I must admit, when my husband was recently asked if I were his girlfriend, I blushed, thinking how awesome it was that people looked at us as if we were a fun dating couple and not as boring married people.
Maybe marriage will make its comeback just like everything else vintage.

What I have found interesting about this on-going phenomenon is the growing gap among married people and their education level. Back in 1960 when the Pew Research Institute began really crunching these numbers, it didn't matter if you'd gone to college or not; the number of people married in both education levels was nearly equal. But NOW? If you've gone to college, you're more likely to marry. In fact, more education actually increases your statistical chances of getting married. Married people now have more wealth, more education.

This reminds me of the current nationwide discussion about the "disappearing middle class." Are we nearing a nation that looks clearly divided between the college-educated/married and the unmarried high school graduates? That thought makes me more concerned than the falling marriage rates.

We're in the midst of a major change in the way Americans define marriage. Let's not forget that marriage has constantly been changing its definition. Remember how its roots regarded marriage as a business deal? It was about money and exchange of property (with women being used as the biggest bargaining chip). Now, people marry for many different reasons. But mostly, we marry for love.

What are your thoughts about the recent reports? Today's 31 Dates poll: Is Marriage Going Out of Style? Please click on the poll to vote!

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Choice and Accountability

2011-12-09T16:37:00.000-08:00

I work with a couple dozen teenage girls here in Los Angeles, and one of the things we talk about a lot is "choice and accountability" - making choices and accepting the consequences and results of our actions.

Today I ran across this video from an African-American woman calling out black women for the way they're treated by men. "We need some accountability," she says, claiming that many black women are making poor choices in the men they date and need to acknowledge those poor choices.
The video from Lydia Cotton is getting reaction from men and women of all races. The woman speaking claims that we need to treat ourselves better and allow men into our lives who will treat us well.

The video is ten minutes long. Let me know what you think.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

2011-12-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

Filmmakers Jesse Budd and Patrick Romero think they've found the answer to that tricky question: Can men and women be friends?

Today I'm asking you: Can men and women be friends? I have a poll posted on the blogsite, so please weigh in. If you're in the mood to comment, let me know why you think men and women can or can't be friends.
And if you can't come up with any good reasons for your answer, maybe this will help...

Would You Go Out With This Guy AGAIN?

2011-12-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

We've all messed up when it comes to trying to snag a second date with someone. We're unsure whether the person will want to go. We wonder whether those cues they were sending were signs of actual interest or them "just being nice." It's a little confusing.
But then we make a choice. How far do we go to get that person to pay attention to us?

One woman posted a unique attempt by one guy hoping to get a second date. Apparently the girl had tickets to the philharmonic, but ended up going alone when her friend bailed at the last minute. That's where she met a guy and ended up going out on ONE date with him. Apparently he called, texted, and then tracked down her email, hoping to get a second date. Here's the 1,604 word email she posted from him on reddit.com.

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can't see someone's body language or tone of voice in an email. I'm not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I'm honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again. Normally, I wouldn't ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don't want to go again, then apparently you didn't think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I've gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I'm not a serial dater. Sometimes, I've only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I'm sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

Lookin' For Love in All the Wrong Places? Try IKEA

2011-12-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

Best IKEA couch EVER

You thought IKEA was just the perfect spot for a new desk, 99 cent breakfast, and endless refills of Lingonberry juice? Au contraire.

Apparently it's now the hotspot for single seniors in Shanghai. While they shop in fake kitchens for their HONGSPKLARS and FIGNRKENSCHLAUGENS, they might spot true love across the way.

So what's so appealing about IKEA? Other than it's non-threatening atmosphere, there's FREE COFFEE. IKEA gives free coffee to anyone with a Family membership card.

Really? That's IT? Free COFFEE? Then what makes IKEA more appealing than Al-Anon and the mingling hour at Protestant churches?

The seniors head to IKEA in droves - I'm talking anywhere between 70 and SEVEN HUNDRED people.
Crowd control has proven difficult, as reported in The Wall Street Journal:

They sit for hours in the cafeteria, leaving behind orange peels and egg shells they have picked off boiled eggs brought from home. Occasionally, security guards intervene to try to keep order.
... Policing the freeloaders and the unruly isn't so easy. Attempting to tell a rowdy crowd of seniors to lower their voices recently, 24-year-old security guard Li Ya says he encountered resistance. An older man who didn't enjoy being hushed by someone 40 years his junior, says Mr. Li, once splashed scalding coffee on him. "They always argue that they have the right to do what they want here," says Mr. Li.

Hmmmm.... so these seniors are not only cheap - doing anything they can for a free cup of coffee - but they're also messy and unruly? Not the most appealing crowd of singles, eh?

New Dating Site Features Most Eligible Singles One Day at a Time

2011-12-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

Remember how some of those old movies like "Meet Me In St. Louis" showed men lining up to get their names on a woman's dance card? At formal balls during the 19th century, women would tie the little booklets around their wrists along with a pencil. As men would ask her if she were available for a dance that evening, she would write his name on the dance card. This was a great way for men to make sure they'd get to spend time with the women they were interested in. Maybe it wasn't as great for the women who weren't as coveted... And it also likely proved problematic for women who had no excuse to deny an unwanted partner a dance.

A new dating site (launching in New York City now before kicking off around the rest of the world) operates a little like those fancy dance cards but with a mediator to tell the bozos wanting dances, "Sorry, her dance card is full." The site is called Black Book 365 and is the brainchild of some savvy overachievers who wanted to weed out the non-committal duds they found on most other dating sites. No instant messaging. No constant barrage of emails from guys who ask "Can I see your picture?" Instead, this site has a matchmaking crew to help whittle the list of interested people for you.

So here's how it works: Every day, Black Book 365 will feature one of the city's most eligible bachelors along with one of its most desireable bachelorettes. Each of the featured singles pays for their day in the spotlight which includes an interview session with the website matchmakers and a professional photo shoot. Then, anyone who's signed up for the site with their own (free) profile can show their interest in going out on a first date with that person by submitting a "calling card" (which sounds kind of like a hidden "like" button that only the system administrators can see). Then the matchmakers take a look at all the people who "liked" the featured man or woman of the day and narrow the list to 25 of the top matches.

The site just kicked off a couple weeks ago in New York. It will arrive in 25 more cities around the world within the next year.

What do you think? Does this sound like something you'd be interested in doing?

Silence is the Golden Years

2011-12-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I heard an interesting study that asked, "Who knows their partner better? Someone who's been coupled for five years? Or fifty years?"

yummmm

According to the study, those who'd been together for just a little while were better at predicting their partner's likes and dislikes. The study suggested that couples who'd been together for many years didn't pay much attention to their partner's changing interests. As I started to think about it, it made sense. After all, these days of early marital bliss are spent solely with one another - without kids. I know that my husband usually hates olives, but in the last few months, he's started to like them a little. (Thank goodness!) And he knows that I prefer Sprite over 7-Up and Fresca. But that's not just because we pay attention to each other, we also talk about it.

Apparently, silence is golden in the Golden Years.

Another study from the UK says that a couple married for 50 years will chat for only THREE MINUTES during an entire hour-long dinner. That means 57 minutes of silence while mushing on the early-bird special. Married with little kids? Those parents only chat 10 minutes during dinner. And those Brits who seem to get to know each other best are those who seem to be the most chatty.

But guess what, Americans? Studies have shown that our couples talk to each other even LESS OFTEN than that. On average, married American couples with kids only talk to each other for around 15 minutes a DAY. Other experts think the conversation time is even less, with only 15 minutes of real talk a WEEK. Yowza!

So today the New York Daily News offered some solutions and some ideas to "get to know your mate" a bit better. My favorite is this quiz below that they created. How well would you and your partner answer?

1. If you were planning a surprise party for them, what would you organize?

A) A blow out party of the century or a low key affair with closest friends.
B) A casual outdoor soiree or a catered gourmet extravaganza.
C) What music would be your partner’s preference, a DJ or live band?

2. If you were to choose your partner’s career, what would they rather be?
A) Nine to five desk job with little or no responsibility.
B) A Creative role in a ground-breaking industry
C) A management role where they can exercise their leadership skills.

3. It’s your partner’s birthday, what gift would they love to receive?
A) Tickets to a sporting event or concert.
B) A shopping spree at their favorite store
C) The latest and greatest electronic gadget.

4. You are in charge of planning your sweetheart’s dream vacation. You plan…
A) A relaxing island getaway with plenty of little umbrella drinks
B) An extreme sports adventure chock full of adrenaline
C) A historical city tour complete with walking guide and map

5. It’s movie night and your lover put you in charge of choosing a movie. You choose…
A) An action flick…explosions and fight scenes rule!
B) Romantic comedy…hint hint
C) Scary…you like an excuse to cuddle up

6. Although it may be early, you begin to make retirement plans. Your partner would…
A) Back pack around Europe for the next year
B) Watch TV for the rest of their life
C) Volunteer or take up a new hobby together

7. If your partner went back to school, what would they study?
A) History or sociology
B) Mathematics or accounting
C) Science and technology

8. You surprise your lover with a new dog. You bring them home a…
A) A teacup pup….the yappier the better
B) A giant couch potato
C) A workout buddy

9. If your partner won the lottery, they would…
A) Blow it all on expensive toys
B) Invest it wisely and continue to work
C) Splurge a bit and pay off some bills

10. What romantic gesture would your partner most appreciate?
A) Sunset walk on the beach with your favorite bottle
B) A love letter, poem, or card
C) Arrange to do their favorite, but your least favorite activity

HOW MANY DID YOU GET CORRECT? Share your answer on the blogpoll!

photo source: 1
quiz source

"Holi-Dating"

2011-11-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, I can't take credit for the clever title. But it's cute, right?

You can thank Paddi Rice for the inspiration, who's the Matchmaker-in-Chief at Executive Search Dating in Vancouver, BC. She says, "The holiday season is THE 'perfect storm' of good tidings for local singles. Firstly, its peak season for parties of every shape and size; plus everyone is in a friendly mood and open to meeting new people."

Here are her Five Ways to Get a Date This Season:

1. More Santa less Scrooge: holi-dating success begins with a positive attitude. Be jolly, and practice saying 'Merry Christmas' to new people. It's the best approach line of the year!

2. Carve out some time for yourself: don't fill up your holiday calendar with just family and work events; make some time to attend events where you are likely to meet some NEW people too.

3. Join in all the reindeer games: Christmas parties tend to bring out a wider variety of singles than you might otherwise meet. Tag along to a friend's Christmas event and ask them to introduce you to some interesting and well connected people.

4. Be the Christmas party you wish to attend: invite some friends to your place, and ask them to bring some single friends... house parties are one of THE best ways to meet new people in Vancouver.

5. Meet in December, date in January: making new connections in December is fun, but trying to arrange a date can be challenging. Plan your first date in January, which will give you both something to be excited about after the holiday season is over.

Okay, and if all else fails and your year ends with a suckfest like mine did in 2008, just kick off the new year with a dating challenge! Still my best new year's resolution yet!

Dating Tip? Wear RED

2011-11-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

Our wedding, January 2010
StyleMePretty.com

Red has long been my favorite color. I love the rich, deep, warm scarlet tones. When I told my mother I would have gold tones with red as an accent color at my wedding she seemed confused. "Like at a Chinese wedding?"

Uh... not exactly. (You tell me. Did I hit the mark with this?)

Little did I know I was decorating my reception with the color that naturally triggers lust and love. I guess it makes sense, since we "paint the town red" during the most loving times of the year: Valentine's Day and Christmas.

So...

This holiday season, if you're looking for love, maybe you just need to add a little color to your wardrobe. Just like bulls and vampires, apparently humans are also naturally lured by the color red. Studies have shown that men and women have physioogical reactions to the color. So it could be worth a shot - when all else fails, wear red.

According to eFlirtExpert, "Psychological studies find that red is a stimulant for men, boosting arousal levels and their desire to chase." That makes sense. After all, red has long been the color of passion, power, seduction.

But it's not just men attracted to red, women love it too. Recently, a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology said that, "...in the United States, England, Germany and China, women found men more appealing when they were either pictured wearing red or framed in red, compared with other colors."

And that means guys can even don an Alvin and the Chipmunks t-shirt and look hotter. For real.

"Women in a follow-up study perceived men wearing red T-shirts to be significantly more likely to be high in status than men wearing blue T-shirts, in addition to the men in red seeming more generally and sexually attractive."

This is actually a natural attraction, particularly with primates. Red is typically found on the alpha male. And when female chimpanzees and orangutans are approaching ovulation, they appear a bit more blushed. So ladies, grab that Jessica Rabbit dress or sass up those lips. 'Tis the season of red, so go bold. And boys, get those Santa hats. After all, that guy gets love from all the ladies this season. You hear me?

photo source 1, 2, 3

Cyber Monday

2011-11-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

Just in time for Cyber Monday...

31 DATES IN 31 DAYS is now available in e-book format!

And while you're shopping online, don't forget that 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS makes great Christmas/Hanukkuh/Kwanzaa/Festivus/Boxing Day/Any Day presents. Now you can even give specific e-books as gifts. When you click onto the page for 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS, just click "give as gift." You can even pick the delivery date. Easy peasy!
The paperback version is also available online and in your favorite bookstores.

Just sayin'.

Grocery Store Songs

2011-11-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

As Thanksgiving approaches, I've already had to make two unexpected trips to the grocery store. Which means every walk through the aisles of a grocery store can become more of a stroll down memory lane. In an instant, a song can have the power to zap me back into an emotional state of the past. While comparing the unit prices of brand named laundry detergent with generic, the radio version of Donna Lewis' "I Love You Always Forever" interrupts my thoughts overhead. I bite my lip, trying to hide my smile, embarrassed that I not only know the song but LOVED it. The words, the song - both stereotypical cheesy chick-loves-boy song of the 90s. The song itself is about a woman's flashback, thinking of past love and promises of forever.
I'll push the cart a little, singing softly enough for my body to feel my breath brush past my vocal chords, but not loud enough so that the nearby mom grabbing a 32 ounce bottle of Tide could hear me. Sometimes I sing the Alto line in the chorus, as if I'm singing backup in a studio - a very large studio with flourescent lights, people bustling with their shopping carts, and kids begging their mothers for Fruit Roll-Ups. I imagine myself during my college days, driving along the highway in my black Jett with the radio blaring as I shout along to the music.

I love you, always forever
Near or far, closer together
Everywhere, I will be with you
Everything, I will do for you

Back then I would sing it theatrically, as if declaring my love to an invisible, perfect boyfriend. I never knew the words that well, but I sang whatever words my soul felt appropriate at the time. Whichever words sounded right, fit the moment, fit the rhythm.

Say you'll love and love me forever
Never stop, never whatever
Near and far and always everywhere and everything

I used to feel the passion and promise of those words, wondering what they really felt like: forever, always, everywhere, everything. I remember thinking/hoping/praying that every boyfriend would be my last. For four minutes in the grocery store, I forget about the wobbly wheel on my cart and feel a tinge of longing for the soft clutch of my car, zipping into fifth gear, and longing for love and all that came with it. The music descrescendos with distancing repetition of the chorus. I shake my head thinking about how devoted I was to my imaginary love, push my wobbly cart a little faster, and hope that U2 comes on next.

Relationship Recipes (for Disaster)

2011-11-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today I was baking (a rare occurrence these days) a new Fall recipe from a friend: Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Chip Muffins. As I poured the bag of semi-sweet chocolates and debated - Should I save a handful to eat? - I had a flashback to a defining moment with an old boyfriend.

Years ago, I was in the kitchen with the boyfriend and one of my close girl friends. We were making chocolate chip cookies - that standard TollHouse Recipe on the back of the bag of chocolate chips. Boyfriend cut the top of the bag of chocolate chips, poured a little more than half into the batter, and tied the rest of the bag up, setting it aside.

"Wait," I said, "what's up with holding onto the rest of the chocolate chips?"

"Well you don't want all of them in there," he said. "That's just way too many."

My forehead clenched in curiosity and concern. I looked to my friend with a raised eyebrow. "How can anyone ever have too many chocolate chips?" I asked.

"I know!" she agreed. "If anything, there's never enough! Who wants a chocolate chip cookie without the chips?"

I nodded. "Isn't that why they're called CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies?"
Boyfriend nodded, heeding the passive instruction, untied the bag and poured the rest of the chips in.

I shook my head and wondered, How in the world could I ever get along with a man who doesn't believe in the "chocolate chips" of chocolate chip cookies?

Although that wasn't a narrow-minded, deal-breaking moment, it ended up being one that I thought of often when I would tell people how different we were. It was almost like that guy I dated in college who hated sushi. I didn't understand it. How does anyone HATE sushi? I wondered if I could ever spend the rest of my life with a man who didn't see the life-changing value of a spicy tuna roll.

So how important is a person's palate when it comes to relationships?

I'm married to a meat-eating food snob who refuses to eat macaroni and cheese that comes out of a box. In fact, he calls it "yellow death." And I'm a pescatarian who still adores all the bad foods from childhood. We figure it out. We can agree on the important things. We both love chocolate chips.

Here's the recipe to those delicious pumpkin treats. I think it'd be yummy with some cream cheese frosting on top. Let me know if you make them, tweak them - and if you set aside any of the chips!

Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Chip Muffins

1 box Spice Cake mix

2 eggs

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 1/3 cup water
1 15 oz. can pumpkin
1 bag chocolate chips

350 degrees, 15-20 minutes

Grandma's Bookclub Got Game

2011-11-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

A couple nights ago I arrived at a home in southern California, carrying a box of extra copies of my book, wondering how tough the crowd of well-baubled grey-haired women would be. After all, I was used to talking with people in my own age demographic about my book, not my grandma's -- or my husband's grandma's to be exact.
The Belles-Letters Book Club has been around for more than 50 years. Some of the women have been members the whole time, including Barbara, who started the group with my husband's maternal grandmother. She passed away years ago, but Barbara kept the club going. Even my mother-in-law was a member of the group for a long time.
These women have it together. They're so organized, they even have voted leadership. They seated me as the guest of honor at the head of the group. As I rested into my comfy chair, the club's president looked at her watch and called the meeting to order. What proceeded reminded me a lot of our high school student government meetings:
*The secretary read the minutes from the last meeting
*One member made a motion to approve the minutes
*The rest nodded and seconded the motion
But this was way more well-planned than any of those meetings from my days of student campaigns and prom planning. These ladies even had dessert. Homemade banana cream pie. Coconut pie with freshly-made whipping cream. Little bowls of candies, nuts, and chocolate-covered almonds were placed carefully around the room. There were even tiny bottles of water for everyone. And the women all sat at attention - as best their spines would allow - awaiting our discussion.
I scanned the room, guessing their ages based on their hair color, wrinkles, and mobility in their hands. The youngest were in their early 50s, with smoother skin and little greying. The oldest appeared to be close to 90, with a curvy back curled onto her seat while her cane propped next to her. Each woman had the evidence of life lessons wrinkled next to her eyes. I felt instant respect for all of them.
I sat up straight and felt a warm energy throughout the room. These women had a true bond of sisterhood that readily welcomed me.

We shared stories. Me - about the adventures that led to my marriage and book. Them - about how loving a family I had married into. I spoke for an hour as they interrupted with questions and comments. How did you meet all of these men? What did your mother think? MY husband and I met in New York City too!

Afterward we mingled. Some of them bought extra books for their friends, kids, and grandkids. They gave me pie that tasted soft, sugary, and just like I imagined my own grandma would have made.

The woman who'd met her husband in New York sat down next to me. Her wrinkly, wobbling hand grabbed mine and she told me how wonderful it was to have me come visit and talk. She mentioned she and her husband have been married sixty years.

"What's your secret?" I asked.

"To being married so long?" She sat back and let out a small, thoughtful sigh. "We go to church, we committed to each other and our family. We chose to give ourselves good lives," she said with a smile.

some of the Belles-Letters girls

Most of the women had left by the time I pulled the rest of them into the living room to take a photograph, likely needing to get to bed after our late night.

"Okay girls," I said, "let's try to get you all in a nice picture."

Our host walked out of the kitchen laughing, "Girls? Oh, that's wonderful."

Most of the times I speak to groups about my project and my book, I begin by wondering if I'll say anything of worth. By the time I pack up my box and get ready to leave, I always feel relieved to have shared, to have met new friends, and to have learned something new from those around me.

Interested in choosing 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS for your book club? I'd be happy to visit in person or via Skype.

How to Survive the Dating Challenge - Marcus, NYC (part 2)

2011-11-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I introduced you to Marcus, a recently-turned-33-year-old from New York City who dared to date differently. In honor of his birthday, he decided to help kick off my book release by taking on my dating challenge. Marcus aimed for 15 dates in three weeks - and he's the kind of guy who will work hard, commit, and make sure he finishes what he starts.
Now that he's had a few weeks to gain a little more perspective (and sleep), Marcus is sharing some of his insights. Thanks Marcus!

Marcus, New York City

Tam: What was it about your dating life that led you to doing something so dramatically different?

Marcus: I've been single for 33 years. Obviously, something hasn't been working for me. I saw how this sort of endurance dating was affecting others so I gave it a shot.

What made the idea of a "dating project" seem interesting to you?
It seemed like a good opportunity to learn and to mix up my dating life. Besides, the idea of immersing myself in dating was something that I've never done before.

What were you hoping to get from your dating project experience?
A girlfriend?!? (insert laugh here) That would have been nice and I guess it still could happen, but really it was to learn about dating, to get over some fears, and to figure what I need to change in order to get into and be in a good relationship.

How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?
This was the easy part. First I let the world know what I was doing it through Facebook, then I emailed some trusted friends for suggestions, made a list of women I knew that I wanted to ask out anyway, and went to it. This was much easier than I thought it would be and with a little more planning I think I could have done more than I did.

Does that mean you'll do it again??
No. It was a lot of fun and was really a great experience, but I feel fairly confident that I got out of this what I needed

In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously? How did you deal with those differences?
This project was an excuse to ask women out, which I sort of appreciated. I was hoping that the perception would be that going out on a date with me during this wasn't a big deal, since I was also going out with so many other women. However, I was also concerned that I wouldn't be taken seriously. Eventually I realized that these were silly excuses and before too long it felt easier to date since I was doing it all the time and I got into a habit of finding of coordinating something just about everyday.
What was the most memorable part of your project?
Probably when I realized that it was all coming together. I was worried that I would miss my goal, especially since I didn't have many dates the first week. About a week before it was over though I finally had all of my dates lined up. It was at that point that I realized how important this project had become to me because I had proven my commitment to making my goal happen to myself.

Do you foresee this project changing the way you'll date?
Yes. I have renewed and strengthened sense of what's important to me and I won't let anything stand in my way.

What else did you learn?
The most important lesson I learned is what's really important to me and that there will always be excuses to keep you from dating, if you let them, something I've been guilty of for too long. While things like rejection, time constraints, confusion about how women think, finding women to date, or even issues with my own self confidence are very real, I refuse to let these or any other excuses keep me from dating, relationships, and eventually marriage.
Something I quickly discovered through all of this is that I would always rather be going out on dates than "hanging out." This was proven to me in a very real way about week after my challenge was formally over when I found myself renting a car and driving to Delaware (a 2.5 hour drive) to go on a date over hanging out with some friends. While I feel very lucky to have the friends I have, the date was completely worth it and was a much better way to spend my evening.
As part of all this I learned that hanging out is fine, but it pales in comparison to dating. While dating certainly requires a lot more of both people (emotionally, mentally, and otherwise), it's so much more fun and is far more rewarding. I wish that more singles would realize that, or if they do, that they would be daring enough to promote dating over hanging out or figure out what it takes to promote dating (that goes for both men and women).
Going forward, this is going to be hard for me personally, as it means I will be consciously withdrawing from social activities that in the past I would have attended. However, I believe very strongly that "if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got."
Marcus, thank you for taking the challenge and for taking the time to reflect on your experience and respond to all my nosy questions. I'll be checking in with you (as I'm sure everyone else will be just as curious about you in the future!).

As a reminder, the E-BOOK version of 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS will be released next week on Sunday, November 20th. Do you know anyone who could kick off its release with a dating challenge like Marcus did? Let me know!

Much love to you!
-Tam

"I Survived Dating Boot Camp" -Marcus, NYC

2011-11-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

For the last month, a bunch of singles have been helping me celebrate the release of my book by signing up for my dating challenge. They've taken on their own mini version of my 31 Dates in 31 Days and signed up for "Dating Boot Camp."

Among them is a handful of brave daters who've kept notes and are now sharing their stories. First up is Marcus from New York City, who turned 33 in October and filled his month full of dates to celebrate. He went on 15 dates in three weeks. And he had some fun - despite being tired! Such a champ!

Here are some snippets from his notes along the way.
Good job Marcus!

October 4, 2011

Marcus, NYC

I just got back from my first date. I really enjoyed her company but something I noticed tonight was some anxiety on my part. I’ve been specifically working on dealing with it in a healthy way. I was with a friend and I had nothing to be anxious about. Still, I felt anxious at a couple of specific times tonight. She wasn’t intimidating me, she’s one of the kindest people I know. But something triggered the anxiety. As soon as I was conscious of it I was able to let it go and I became more comfortable. I wonder if she noticed it. I wonder where this is coming from.

October 9, 2011

I had a great date tonight.

October 11, 2011

Tonight was great because it was proof to me that I’m learning how to let go of all of my anxieties and all of my troubles; I’m just learning how to be me.

October 13, 2011

This is fun, but a little tiring.

October 17, 2011
I had a great date tonight.

October 19, 2011
I felt very comfortable with her, though I felt bad being so tired.

October 21, 2011
Through all of this though I’m learning to be more at ease with myself, which in turn is helping my dates to feel more at ease. I’m learning how to be more on my A game, even when I’m tired.

October 22, 2011
Some of the lessons that I’ve been considering in all of this is how dangerous hanging out can be. I’ve known this for a while but still it has come back to me with renewed force. Being on a date (even if it’s just a single, first date) is a much better and much more fulfilling way to interact with women. While it requires more of both individuals the payoff is far greater. ...In addition I’ve also become more comfortable dating. Just going on a lot of dates makes it simple and takes away a lot of the anxiety that I’ve experienced in the past. That in turn makes it more comfortable for her as well. Life is good.

October 24, 2011
I had a great time tonight and I wish I knew what to say at this point but I’m so excited to be done that I can’t really think of anything to say. For now, it’s time for bed. I think for me this project has been like mountain biking. It was a mad rush and sure was a lot of fun, even if it was a little tiring. Still, I want more.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Marcus!
Tomorrow I'll share my interview with Marcus where he shares his reactions to the project now that he's had time to reflect - and sleep!

Long Distance Book Club with The Cha-Cha Girls

2011-11-14T15:42:00.000-08:00

Recently, I visited with some sassy book-clubbers in North Carolina to talk about my book, 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS. They call themselves The "Cha-Cha" Girls since they're all from Charlotte, NC. How cute is that? They were just as fun and sassy as their name sounds. And these aren't your regular group of just-meet-once-a-month book clubbers. They're die-hards. They even take book club trips!

Well, thanks to social media, Skype, and webcams, there weren't any trips on our book club night. But even though I didn't pay for a flight to North Carolina, I still managed to feel like I was sitting in the living room with them.

So how exactly does a book club with an author work? Well this was a first for all of us, so we improvised. The first hour was just as any other monthly book club event: everyone met at someone's home, ate some good grub, and chatted about their thoughts on the book, their questions, their favorite moments, and their criticisms. And then they logged onto Skype and boom! there I was to answer any questions they'd come up with. I must admit, I longed to hear the pre-interview banter and was wondering if they had mini-cucumber sandwiches to nosh, but our hour-long chat seemed to suffice.

And they had great questions.

*When did you decide your story should be told in book form?

*Did you really like ALL the guys or were there any duds?

*Do you still keep in touch with these guys?

*What sort of criticisms have you received so far about the book?

*You had so many great date opportunities in New York City, but what about those of us looking for great date spots in Charlotte?

*What kind of dates would you suggest for those of us already "coupled?"

One more question they asked is: WHEN will the book be out as an e-book?

Next week! Thank you to those of you i-love-e-book-types who've already bought the paperback version! And please pass the word along:

31 DATES IN 31 DAYS will be available in e-book format on November 20th!

And for those of you who haven't grabbed a copy yet, a reminder that the book is now in bookstores and is also available online from your favorite bookstores.

The Cha-Cha Book Club on their best behavior

Thank you to all the "Cha Cha" ladies for choosing my book as your book club pick - and inviting me to speak! Angela, Aleta, Sally, Kat, Courtney, Leslie, Kimberly, Jennifer, Ashleigh, Amy, Judy, and Molly - I'll want a full report on your next dates!

My next book club event will be this Wednesday in Southern California. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm happy to visit with more book clubbers. If you know anyone else interested, email me at 31datesin31days@gmail.com

11/11/11

2011-11-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I would see the numbers 11:11 on a clock and make a wish. Who am I kidding? I STILL do this!

Do you make wishes on palindromes? Today at 11:11 on 11/11/11, I sat in the empty living room of our new place and had a Zen moment of thanks and meditation. Just a quiet moment to be grateful for everything I have (and don't have) and to remember that things tend to work out for the best. I guess it makes sense that today is also Veterans Day. Moments like that keep me in check.

Can you tell my husband's trying to keep cool?

Okay, so speaking of Palindromes, it makes me think of a song by one of my husband's most favorite comedic inspirations: Weird Al Yankovic. The song, B-O-B, is written with palindromes, in the tune of Bob Dylan. (My favorite line: "go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.")

We met Al a year or so ago here in Los Angeles. I'd never seen my husband starstruck before, but I swore he was about to pee his pants talking with Mr. Weird.
"Mr. Yankovic," I said, "my husband says he listened to all your songs growing up, so I guess I have you to blame for his sense of humor."
"I'm so sorry!" he said, shaking his head.

Tomorrow night, we'll go see Mr. Yankovic in concert at the Pantages Theatre. Yes, this is going to count as our big date night this week. What kind of dates will you have this weekend? And how are you celebrating this palindromic day?

How Many Friends Do You REALLY Have?

2011-11-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

In the days of having hundreds of "friends" on Facebook, one study sought to discover how many tried-and-true, thick-and-thin friends most people truly have.

I'm one of those people who keeps in touch with most of the people I've met. I still keep up with all my friends from elementary school, I somehow remember the life stories of people I've met briefly but managed to have some sort of strong connection with. But I still have just a small list of people who I would call in the midst of dire craziness.

How many people do you have?

Apparently most Americans say they have two true friends, confidantes with whom they've discussed their most important issues with in the last six months. And apparently, this number is down from 25 years ago, when Americans said they had three close friends. Around 4% said they have zero people in their lives they consider truly close friends. And women were more likely to list more confidantes than men.

So how many of your friends do you consider your most trusted confidantes? Click on the poll on this site!

And speaking of friends, here is today's love song, courtesy of my friend, "Akshan," who I grew up singing with and is an AMAZING artist. I'm lucky to have really cool, talented friends.

Credit: Free images from acobox.com

Love Surprises

2011-11-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

Today there's a great blurb in the Chicago Sun-Times about how different people surprisingly fell in love with their life partners.

The first story talks about a woman who was very fond of her high school boyfriend. They had lots in common, seemed like the best of friends, and he "looked good on paper." He's since twice-married and doesn't keep in touch. And while she's still fond of those memories, she's grateful she didn't end up with him. Instead she wound up with her husband, whom she adores. And I love the way she describes him:

He doesn’t look good on paper. He’s an atheist; I’m a cradle Catholic. He’s a redneck; I’m a Democrat. He’s a hunter; I hate guns. You get the picture. But we’ve been together for 16 years and have survived some major stresses and hurdles — parents dying, job losses, health issues. He’s a keeper and I love my Eagle Scout!

Sometimes love surprises you.
You can read the article here.

Do Yourself a Favor

2011-10-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

Somehow I lucked out and got three free months of The Atlantic magazine. I have to admit, I'm not usually a subscriber to magazines, although I love reading them.

This month, the cover article, All the Single Ladies, begins by revealing the dating history of the writer, Kate Bolick, who is nearly 40, still single, and totally fine with it. Admittedly, when I first began her 12,000 word essay, I thought she was dealing with denial, claiming she was content with her single status while likely secretly moping on the couch. Maybe I was just projecting my former 30-year-old self. And as I continued reading, I learned that Bolick had spent many months researching the current status of the single American gal, contacting many of my favorite relationship "experts" and analysts.

Dive in and let me know what you think. I'm sure I'll have several posts about it.

Taking a Chance on the Dancefloor

2011-10-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been talking to me lately about how scary dating can be. And I totally agree! Dating differently takes a lot of courage. Can you imagine how scared I was thinking I'd actually pull of 31 Dates in 31 Days??
I was scared of putting myself "out there" for the world to judge. And I was really scared I'd put myself out there and then get zero dates. Quelle horreur!
Here's the thing -- maybe you're not into going out on 31 Dates. So what about starting with ONE? Could you challenge yourself to just one date that would be a little different than you've had before?

When I worked at Good Morning America, I was always assigned to produce the Dancing With the Stars segments. Every week there's a segment with the stars who were cut from the dance show the night before. (I called it being assigned to the "Booted Beat.") The celebrities were such troupers having to get up so early on the west coast to be on the show and talk about their embarrassing moments on the dancefloor throughout the season.

I haven't been wathching "Dancing With the Stars" this season, but I did catch a glimpse of an interview with Carson Kressley on Good Morning America the other day after he got kicked off DWTS. I love Carson. He's always so positive and somehow manages to be randomly funny. When I interviewed him years ago he told me, "You should start pronouncing your name like Tomorrow and go work for the Today Show." Clever!
One thing I loved about Carson's interview this week was the way he talked about taking risks. He discusses it throughout, but his most poignant moments are in the very beginning of the video.

video platform video management video solutions video player

Date #5 Pops the Question

2011-10-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

One of the benefits of going on 31 Dates in 31 Days is getting to meet some absolutely amazing men. I've been lucky that I not only got to go out on first dates with all those but I've also managed to keep them as friends. And of course, as any good friend would do, that means I get to harrass them about their dating lives, mourn their mishaps, and celebrate their victories.

Stephanie and Adam

Today I'm celebrating Date #5 - Adam.

For a while I was wondering what kind of girl would eventually capture his heart. And wouldn't you know, that girl ended up being one of my friends! Just a few days ago, Adam proposed marriage to Stephanie. And she said YES!!

Strong work Adam!!

Here's Stephanie's explanation of how the proposal went down:

Given that it was our 1-year anniversary of dating, celebrations were already in order. Sneaky. I was greeted by 2 dozen red roses when I got home from work last Friday, and 2 dozen more when we got to dinner at Fogo de Chao. But like the practical and unassuming woman that I am, I didn't think too much of it. Like Garrette said, I wasn't thinking "engagement" I was thinking "All you can eat meat."

By the end of dinner I had really bad hiccups. Like, drunk girl hiccups. It is a problem of mine. Adam tried to feed me bogus riddles, saying that getting your mind off the hiccups cures them. I told him that was stupid, and that the only way I can get rid of them is by drinking water upside-down, which was clearly not appropriate at this restaurant.

I was still hiccuping my guts out as Adam drove us over to the National Mall, parked, and led me to the middle of it all - and my favorite view in DC. I love seeing the U.S. Capitol lit up on one side and the Washington Monument on the other. It is a breathtaking view, every time. It wasn't until that moment, when he actually started saying really nice things, that I clued in.

He took a deep breath and bent down on one knee. He pulled a box out of his pocket and illuminated it with his newly-purchased flashlight iPhone app. Inside was a beautiful, pear shaped ring. He said my full name when he asked me to marry him.

I said, "Yes. Of course!"
Then added, "You got rid of my hiccups!"

And then I started to giggle-cry. I think it is the best combination, actually. Real tears convey real meaning but giggles mean that everything is still ok. And everything is SO ok that you are actually moved to tears. ...

Then we drove to Georgetown and had frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity. It represented the end of our courtship and the beginning of our life together. We toasted ourselves and our future. And when we got back to my house he gave me one last bouquet of 2 dozen red roses. Because, he said, he wanted me to wake up everyday this week and remember that he loves me and that we are getting married.

Life hardly ever turns out the way we plan. And yet, I feel like everything I have found in my relationship with Adam has been exactly what I always knew I wanted. I think the only thing I didn't plan was how this happiness would feel, because I never even knew this kind of happy existed.

Congrats you two!!! Can't wait to hear about the wedding plans!

Wednesday Words of Wisdon

2011-10-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

Marianne Williamson

On Monday night I went to hear one of my favorite speakers, Marianne Williamson, who's become known as a love and peace activist. In honor of Marianne's nonstop plight for a loving world, here are some of her words of wisdom.

"Love is what we were born with.

Fear is what we learned here."

-Marianne Williamson

And here's today's love song for you. Feel free to dance at your desk.

If ever there were ever a video montage of my life, I think I'd want this song as its theme.

Ella Fitzgerald, "Do I Love You"

Do I Love You?

A Couple Tips: Two Great Dating Sites

2011-10-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Looking for great date ideas for a weekend? Looking for someone to go out with you?

HowAboutWe.com

Here are two sites to improve your dates. The first is a fairly new website called "How About We." It's focus is on the date itself. You come up with an activity you want to do, post it, and someone with a similar interest joins in. I LOVE THIS IDEA.

Why?

Because this takes the focus off of the person and instead narrows in on doing something fun. This allows people to be a little more open-minded about the people they'll go out with. Plus, it gets them off the couch - always a great bonus!

The Love Trekker

The Love Trekker is helpful for anyone looking for a date idea. Just click on your state and find some activities or other date ideas for your area. I love this concept because it takes away that common excuse of "There's nothing to do in this town."

I recently wrote a post for them about 10 inexpensive date ideas for Southern California.

What other websites do you like to use when planning dates?

What great dating ideas do you have to share?

The Dating Challenge: Lessons Learned (so far)

2011-10-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

A couple dozen singles around the country are currently taking the 31 Dates Dating Challenge, and so far, they've had lots of questions, a few snags, and have learned a bunch of lessons.
Among those taking notes is Aubrey from Portland, Oregon. She has a Facebook group she started for her "ABC Dating Challenge." Basically Aubrey's using letters of the alphabet to inspire her date activity. For instance, for her "H" date she went to a Haunted House and ate at Honeybaked Ham. She hopes to go out on three dates a week and wants to meet new friends and learn something about herself.

Aubrey from Portland, Oregon

What I really love is how much Aubrey is learning so far. She's getting more brave when it comes to asking guys out. She's getting more comfortable stepping out of her comfort zone. And she seems to be having fun even when it seems challenging.

Question from Aubrey's friend: Are you finding it hard to ask guys out or is it okay?

Aubrey's answer: It's definitely scary, but I'm trying to get outside of my comfort zone. It helps that it is part of a challenge so the guys understand that I'm not coming on to them. I have to screw up my courage and just do it without thinking too much about it. Our culture has made dating so unnecessarily intense, that not much casual dating goes on anymore. And without casual dating, less relationships occur. I'm trying to help myself and others see that dates can be fun and casual and not just serious and loaded with deep meaning.

She's had so much success that she almost has all of her dates lined up. In fact, she convinced four guys in just one day. Good work Aubrey! Keep it up!

Summer and "Eliza"

2011-10-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I had one of those fun lunches with a bunch of successful women who have grand ideas. Among them was my new friend, Summer, who's an entrepreneur, model, designer, all-around business woman, a wife, and a mom. Plus she manages to somehow take care of herself and looks gorgeous. How does she do it all?
One of her biggest successes is founding Eliza Magazine, where she posted a quick interview with me. And of course, as our interview was on the streets of Los Angeles, we had a few unexpected interruptions...

Practice Makes Perfect

2011-10-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still not sure I'll ever get used to being on the other side of the camera. I was a television news producer for 12 years. And let's face it, I was practically born with an innate need for watching tv. (Sometimes I feel like Saturday morning cartoons were made just for me...)

But practice makes perfect with anything - dating, being on tv, watching it (hey! That's why I'm so good at that. LOTS of practice!). I'll keep practicing everything that I need work on, I suppose. Life continues to be a work in progress.

This video clip is from my recent book promotion trip to Portland, sitting with my new friend, Kimberly Maus. She recently got married, so we spent lots of time in the commercial breaks talking about boys. Pretty much felt like we'd been friends since grade school.

No Makeup doesn't mean "No Chance"

2011-10-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was chatting with a couple that's been married for 45 years. They're the type of couple that seems to kind of look like each other, both short and happy with gray hair and glasses. They finish each other's sentences. They both smile constantly with doses of loud, hearty laughter mixed into their conversation. I couldn't imagine either with anyone else, and yet, I learned that when they first met, neither found the other fairly interesting or attractive.

(See! Not all first dates are perfect, but many lead to long-lasting love.)

Husband: I was 21 and mentioned to a friend that it seemed like all the girls had somehow become taller than I was. And she said, "I know a really cute, short girl!" So I headed over that night to meet her, and I thought my friend was crazy. "THAT girl is the CUTE girl?" I thought!

My wife wasn't wearing ANY makeup and she wore a pair of cut-off jeans. Plus she was wearing a pair of those cat-eye glasses with gold trim.

She looked at me and was just as unimpressed. She kinda' turned her nose up at me.... But we became friends anyway. And it took a while before I finally saw her with a fresh set of eyes.

As the husband relayed this story to me, all I could think of were all those fashion magazines and dating tips that keep telling women the secrets to "nabbing" a guy - most of which seem to include perfect makeup, a hot bod, and shiny hair. Or at least that's the impression I feel left with sometimes. As he chatted about how it took him forever to realize he was in love with this woman who's perfect for him, this is the conclusion I came up with:

No Makeup + Cut-offs = 45 years of marriage

For you ladies...

Here we are told over and over again to prettify ourselves. And while I do believe there is much credit to taking care of bodies and doing our best to present our best selves, there can also be a point where we cross over into that dangerous zone of defining ourselves solely on our looks (or perceived lack thereof).

What I loved about this husband's love story was that he held himself accountable. He now realizes that his wife wasn't really a fuddy duddy. He just needed to look at her with a "new set of eyes."

Wouldn't we be lucky if we all looked at ourselves and each other that way?

To be honest, the whole "women + makeup" issue has me a bit up in arms today after reading this fantastic Forbes article by Jenna Goudreau where she talks about the outcome of a recent study that talks about the success and likeability of made-up women.

I'm reminded of the "No Makeup Week" challenge given by blogger Rachel Rabbit White, which she actually blogged about today and suggested doing the challenge again on her own. Check it out and see if you're up for something similar.

Luckily, I have this video to make me feel better today, with or without makeup:

Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

Getting Stood Up

2011-10-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

One of the lucky singles participating in my nationwide dating challenge got stood up a few nights ago.

What does one normally do when stood up? There are a few options, of course. The first including crying over mint chip ice cream while watching a chick flick alone in pajamas. Admittedly, that's likely what I would have leaned toward before embarking 31 Dates in 31 Days.
There's always going out alone. Or grabbing your friends. Or grabbing a stranger down the street. Sulking is typically necessary for any of these.
My friend, the dater launching into a world of new dating habits, decided to look at things differently and receive anonymous rejection gracefully. She'd planned the date and the dud didn't even call or try to reach out. At 8pm on a Friday night, she found herself contacting their mutual friend to learn that he wasn't coming. So our dater shrugged her shoulders and figured she might hang out with some girlfriends instead. By 10:00 she had a new dude lined up. They went out and she had a blast, determined to remember that dating is more about having good experiences with people than it is about instant heartbreak over someone you don't even know.

As for the mystery man who stood her up, I have to wonder what held him back from a few hours out with a new girl. Was he that nervous to meet someone new? Did something come up? Or maybe he was in jail?? A likely option -- at least in Hollywood!

So Much Love in the PNW

2011-10-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

After landing back in Los Angeles from a whirlwind trip in the Pacific Northwest, I've been napping and recovering from a cold. I must have had so much fun up there that it wore me out!
Throughout my few days in Seattle, Portland, and the surrounding areas, I met with over a couple hundred people with great stories and questions about love -- from singles, newlyweds, newly divorced, and those who are readily willing to share their secrets to their long-lasting marriages. Let me tell you, there's a lot of love up there!

As we're now steeped in October (where did this year go?), many singles across the country are taking part in my nationwide dating challenge. (Have you signed up yet??)

Look how cute Laura is! Know any Seattle guys for her project?

One of those lovely ladies is Laura, Seattle photographer and artist extraordinaire. She contacted me nearly three years ago when I first did my 31 Dates in 31 Days project. And now, she's taking the challenge and going out on ten first dates in Seattle. Know anyone who wants to be one of those dates? Contact me and I'll pass them along. OR, just check out Laura's blog, where she's keeping notes on her project.

Laura and I met up for lunch while I was in Seattle before her project and my book tour kicked off. We were both nervous about our upcoming adventures. By why wouldn't it be? Jumping into something new can be really scary - AND worth the risk. She was looking for something different in her dating life and thought this project was for her.

When we met up, she said she could totally relate to some of the feelings I'd had throughout my book: questioning myself, wondering what I was doing wrong, hoping I could change my dating habits. I'm so excited for Laura to take on this challenge!

Laura sent me a text from Date #1 the other night, and it went really well! I can't wait to hear the reports from dates 2-10!

Dating Boot Camp - NOW in Session!

2011-10-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

October is HERE! And that means lots of people are already kicking off their own dating projects around the country. I've already received a few preliminary reports, and it sounds like - in the midst of nervousness and typical first date jitters - our daters are managing to have FUN!

Are you up for the challenge too? Ready to take on a few more first dates than you're used to? Email me at 31datesin31days.com and I'll help get you started.

Also...

TONIGHT: 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS Book Launch Mixer and Celebration
Cupcake Royale, 1111 E. Pike Street, Seattle 7:00-8:30pm
Come have a cupcake, share some dating stories, meet new singles, buy a book (on sale from Elliott Bay Books for $15), and get your book signed! Invite friends. Or strangers!

Also today: 3:50pm, I chat with my good friend and top-notch sports journalist John Canzano on "The Bald Faced Truth" radio show on 750-AM The Game in Portland. Tune in!

First Dates and Job Interviews

2011-09-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

I tend to earnestly remind people that first dates are not job interviews. "You're there to meet a friend or love potential," I'll say, "so be wary of that pesky habit where you're checking off your list and making sure the person has all the perfect answers to every question."

Today I needed to be reminded of this wisdom, but in its opposition: job interviews are not first dates. Apparently I've become so accustomed to meeting people as potential friends that I've forgotten how to act in a job interview.

For the last year or so, I've been applying nonstop for any and every job possible at particular organization. I've admired their work for years. Seven years ago I visited their building, met with the "higher-ups" and decided, "I want to work here." When I decided to move to Los Angeles, I started sending my resume' over and over again. I figured my name would sweep across desks and they'd say, "that girl is applying again."
My cycle was constant: I would apply. They wouldn't call.
Until today.

The phone rang. I was driving. I picked up the call (yes, on the speaker system, sheesh), and was floored when the woman on the other end announced it was So-n-So from PLACE THAT NEVER CALLS.
Finally!!!
She saw my resume, wanted to know how I felt about the position, and wanted me to come in.

And then I started doing something bad. Something that people do on first dates and meet-and-greets - not on job interviews. I was way too honest.
This approach has never gone over so well for me in the past. I once had an interviewer ask my five year plan and I said, "I'd like to work with nice people and I hope to be married." Maybe a little too much information on my personal dreams.
So this morning, I told way too many truths:
*I hated the schedule she was proposing, but I loved the work.
*My husband and I share a car, but I will figure it out.
*My book tour starts tomorrow, but I'd be happy to work around it.

Way too many details. TOO, TOO many.

Instead, had I been more prepared, I would have been up front. I would have told her that, while my schedule is a little unpredictable these days, what I want more than anything in the world is to get a chance to work for PLACE THAT NEVER CALLS. I'd love to at least be the "fill-in girl," getting a chance to sometimes still be part of the industry that pulls so strongly at my heart. And I really wanted to just say THANK YOU for calling. But all that turned into a bumbling, babbling mess as I kept droning on about my personal issues while not noticing I'd driven three miles too far.

And then something happened that made me realize I'd been treating this experience - not as a job interview with a potential future employer - but as a "first date." She lost interest.

Her delight in my work experience and my future with the company faded instantly. I felt as if I could hear regret in her voice for calling me. In fact, I even tried to explain myself and let her know my interest level, and I just felt like there was no winning her over. I was like the bad first date experience that would never be given a second chance.
I'm so embarrassed.

So, since I just greatly reduced my chances of working at said PLACE again, I'm trying to use this embarrassing moment as a teachable experience. Here are some lessons I've again learned about the difference between first dates and job interviews.

In Defense of New York City Singles

2011-09-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Statistics,
Please stop picking on my friends. I see articles like this with headlines boasting New York Leads the Nation in Single Ladies! all the time. My friends are starting to believe what I once believed while living in the city - "I'm never gonna get married."
Sure, the other reaction could be, "That's WHY I live here because I don't WANT to get married." But really, do we need to keep throwing these numbers around over and over again and pulling whatever we want from them? What good is this doing?
If we're going to look at you, I want to start seeing ALL of your numbers. Let us know what people are really dealing with before making it sound like we're all crazy.
-Tamara

So here's the deal.
According to the latest stats, apparently 41.7% of New York City women (over the age of 15) are single and 46.7% of the men (and boys over 15) are still single. Which ranks New York women as the leading single-lady-city in the nation. Some people hear this statistic and start blaring Beyonce while doing the "Single Ladies" dance. Others put on their pajamas and eat bon-bons.

Maybe NYC gals stay single because they have a lot of options, since there are SO MANY single guys to choose from.
I know, I know.
"HOW can you say that??" you ask. "Don't OTHER statistics say that there's only one single guy for every FIVE single gals in New York? Doesn't everyone say this is the WORST city for dating?"

Oh goodness. You're making me go look at the 2010 Census now, aren't you?
*sigh*

Okay, so I've spent the last few hours staring at the numbers and analyzing them a bit. In the midst of my research, I found a few lil' interesting tidbits.

First: The 2010 Census shows that the population of New York City's five boroughs is 8,175,133. This does not include the 44 million annual visitors.

Second: According to other number crunchers, there's an annual revolving door of 250,000 NYC residents. That means a quarter of a million NEW people in the city (and another 250,000 who have left).

Third: In Manhattan alone, there are 1,585,873 residents. (You can find the full charts here)
744,441 are men (46.9%) and 841,432 (53.1%) are women. When we look at ages, boys outnumber girls up until they're 18 years old. Then the girls outnumber the boys for 20 years or so. Then men dominate again at 38 until giving it back to women at 48.

Let's focus on just Manhattan for a minute. (If you want to double-check my math or see the other numbers, here's the Census page. You can also go there to search for similar results in other cities.)
According to that page, it says that, among males 15 years of age and older, 53.3% are single. And for women, 48.7% are single.
With a quick glance, we might be fooled, thinking there are actually WAY more single guys than gals. But these figures don't show us the hard numbers. So what does all this really mean? How many single guys and gals are there really in Manhattan?

Here's a chart I made that might help break it down.

From the numbers, we see that single Manhattan females between the ages of 20 and 34 outnumber single males by 20,000 or so (just a little higher than the number of people who live on Roosevelt Island). By the time men and women turn 35, the ratio switches again, with single men outnumbering single women. (Remember, these numbers don't reflect those who are in committed but unmarried relationships and include those who are gay.)

Now that we've taken a hard look at the numbers, what does this make you think about dating in New York? Do the numbers even have any impact on what you already thought?

This Week's Galley Giveaway WINNERS!

2011-09-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the winners of this week's Dating Challenge giveaway! These people have shown their interest in the October nationwide dating challenge and braving Dating Boot Camp (with me helping them along the way, of course. I couldn't leave them in the lurch like that!).

I couldn't help myself, so instead of giving just five copies away, I dug up a couple more. So here are our SEVEN winners!

Joy Crossman - Las Vegas

Andrea Greenwich - Washington, DC

Laura Taylor - Seattle

Marcus Bowers - New York City

Grace Hu - Los Angeles

Aubrey Poole - Portland, Oregon

Angie Green - Salt Lake City

Congrats brave winners!!! Happy National Singles Week!

You'll all hear more from them and others taking part in the challenge over the next few weeks. Help support their projects! Know any single guys or gals interested? Considering the challenge too? Click here or on the "Take the Challenge" tab here on the website. Or just shoot me an email at 31datesin31days@gmail.com and I'll help you get started.

Are Singles and Marrieds Treated Differently?

2011-09-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

With the buzz of National Singles Week, there's been a bit of talk over the last few days about whether single people are treated differently than married people.
What do you think??

I'd agree that they are. Not so much for the reasons that are listed here in this story....

View more videos at: http://nbclosangeles.com/?__source=embedCode.

I mostly noticed that singles and their married counterparts were treated differently in the workplace. There are liberties married people get - especially those with kids at home. I felt as if there were higher expectations from me. I needed to work more, to work harder, and to pick up the slack where my married counterparts couldn't. I can remember thinking that I would always get the late night phone calls from the newsroom when they needed a last-minute replacement.

But here's the thing. Even though I knew there was a difference and it frustrated me, I also totally supported it. You know that old saying that "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well I saw myself as part of that village. By taking the burden off of the dads in the newsroom, I was helping them with their kids. And I also believe in karma. So someday, maybe I'll reep the same sort of help when I have kids who need to be picked up from soccer and the only person to bail me out is one of my single friends.

Plus, I think married people would also argue that they're treated differently. I mean, for some reason I feel like people might think I'm less likely to stay out late on a weeknight just because I'm married. Or that I've somehow become boring and less adventurous. But I beg to differ, because I feel like marriage has been one of the more crazy/fun/exciting adventures I've taken on.

What do you think? Is there such thing as "single-ism?" Is there a difference in the way people are treated? Should there be?

Celebrating Single

2011-09-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

As we continue to celebrate National Singles Week, I keep thinking about the possible reaction to a week set aside celebrating singledom and solitude. Admittedly, there are moments that I am cynical and think that married people get honored all the time and that throwing singles a week a year is kind of insulting.

Okay, so that's me in a cynical mode.
But then there is the better, grounded, kinder side of me that realizes days and weeks like this are for singles to celebrate their singledom and for us married people to remember to take a lil' time for ourselves and honor our single friends.

Today, I want to celebrate singles and solitude.
I love those moments when I dare to take myself to a movie and order a kids pack. Or go on a long drive by myself or solo vacation. Or sit in a restaurant by myself.
So I took myself to lunch. I sat at the sushi bar, set my phone aside, and enjoyed my spicy tuna. (Same sushi spot where I once saw Bachelor Jake Pavelka sitting alone while I wondered, "how do I know him? Did we date?")

How can you celebrate solitude this week?

Sarah's Questions

2011-09-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by all of the busy events going on right now: the release of my first book, the selling of my old homes in another state, the purchase of a new one here in California, and the regular deadlines and demands of life. And then somehow one moment can bring everything back into perspective.

In my moments of busy-ness, I stopped to take the garbage outside. As I hurried the trash bag to the garbage bin, I noticed two kids playing together, a boy around 7 years old who was playing with a stick, and a girl, around 4, who danced in circles in her pretty lime green dress and matching Crocs. I hustled to the garbage can, threw in my bag, and headed back to my door. That's when I saw a tiny little burst of green happily hopping my way.
"What's your name?" the little girl asked with a high-pitched voice.
I turned to see the little girl smiling up at me. "Tamara," I answered, "what's yours?"
"Sarah."
"Ohhh," I said, "I love that name."
"Are you a girl or a boy?" she asked.
For a moment I was thinking Sarah was losing her cuteness, but I figured I'd indulge her line of questioning. "I'm a girl. What about you? Are you a girl or a boy?"
"I'm a girl," she said. And then she approached me and pointed to my breasts. "Then why do you have that?"
Lest you think Sarah was as confused about gender identity as I had considered, I should point out what I just noticed. Sarah wasn't actually pointing to my breasts. She was pointing to the Batman symbol on my t-shirt.
"Oh," I said. "Batman's pretty cool. Girls can wear Batman stuff. Besides, there's also Batgirl. Have you heard of her?"
"Yeah," she said, giggling as she spun away. Then stopped, asking one more question. "Do you wanna be my fwend?"
I felt my chest under my bat symbol get a little warm. A smile stretched across my face. "I would love to be your friend. Do you wanna be mine?"
She nodded, then continued spinning away.

I felt my cheeks flush as I walked back inside. How lucky was I to have such a sweet, silly girl live near me?

Thanks Sarah for reminding me of the really great stuff life has to offer.
Your friend, Tamara.

Our first winner!

2011-09-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

In celebration of National Singles Week, I'm giving away a FREE galley copy (an un-proofed version) of my book, 31 Dates in 31 Days.

Congratulations to the first winner:

        Joy Crossman!!!!

Joy signed up for October's nationwide dating challenge, which put her in the running for one of this week's giveaways. Congrats Joy! I'm excited for you!

There are four more days left for this week's giveaway. Here's a quick reminder of how to get yours!

           *Sign up for October's nationwide Dating Boot Camp challenge
                   Just email 31datesin31days@gmail.com with the subject line "sign me up!"
           *Each day during National Singles Week one person will be randomly chosen as a galley winner
           *Everyone who signs up for the challenge will get a FREE copy of my
                    31 Dates in 31 Days "Dating Boot Camp" Starter Kit. It'll help you organize your
                    October project, answer some of your questions, find dates, and will keep you focused.
             *During October, I'll update this site with insights from some people taking the challenge. So be
                    prepared for me to check up on you!

Not interested in the challege but still want the book? You can buy it now online - two weeks earlier than it'll arrive in your bookstore.

Happy National Singles Week!

2011-09-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, this entire week is NATIONAL SINGLES WEEK!!!! In celebration, I have a gift for you!

All this week, I'll be giving away galley copies of my book, 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS.

What's a galley copy?

A galley is basically the un-proofread version of the book. So basically it looks a lot like the finished product, but it might have some typos in it. It's basically like the first pancake. Usually they get thrown out, but sometimes those first pancakes are just as yummy as the rest, even if they're not as pretty.

The book doesn't "officially" release for another couple weeks, so you'll be among some of the early readers to get your hands on my memoir.

How do I get one of the galleys?

All this week, I'm continuing to invite singles to join my nationwide dating challenge in October. To qualify for the free copy, you'll need to sign up for the challenge. A few of those who sign up for the challenge will be randomly chosen to get a galley.

But ALL of you who sign up for the challenge will get a copy of my 31 Dates in 31 Days "Dating Bootcamp" Starter Kit. Yup. For real. It'll help you organize your project, answer some of your questions, find dates, and will keep you focused. Plus, I'll help you along the way, being your coach or your cheerleader - or both!

During the month of October, I'll be updating this site with insights from those people taking the challenge. So be prepared for me to check up on you!

If you're interested, send me an email: 31datesin31days@gmail.com

Also, once you've read the book, be sure to leave your review on Goodreads or your favorite online bookseller. Those reviews really do make a difference as they help those who are looking to buy a good book about love and dating.

Wondering how to get the book? You can buy it online now at several stores:

Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Powell's, Indiebound, and Books-a-Million (and more!). Your online stores are shipping these books quickly and early (and they tend to be available at discount prices.

Interview #3: What it's like to do a dating project Q&A with Aubrey

2011-09-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've been loving these interview sessions with friends who have gone on to do their own dating projects. And I've been really excited to share this particular interview and hear all the lessons learned from a fun dating project called The Mormon Bachelorette.It was just one year ago when Aubrey and her friend Erin (hey wait, she's MY friend too!) decided to put their own fun spin on the whole 31 Dates in 31 Days idea and took it to a totally different level. Aubrey had auditioned for the hit ABC show, The Bachelorette, and amidst the callbacks realized the show wasn't exactly what she wanted.

Here's the thing. Aubrey wasn't really hoping to marry any of those television "Bachelors." In real life, she's a Mormon with, meaning she's a church girl with a strong moral code. What she wanted more than anything was to marry an equally devout church boy. So, Aubrey and Erin tapped into their entrepreneurial spirits, saw an opportunity, and came up with their own online "reality show" version. They took the premise of The Bachelor and gave it a twist, inviting members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to participate, and Aubrey became the first Mormon Bachelorette.
Aubrey went on 22 first dates, followed by 8 second dates before picking one lucky guy for a third date. So yes, she also endured a full 31 Dates in 31 Days. And the whole time, Erin and the rest of their friends helped plan everything behind the scenes -- and tagged along Aubrey's dates with a video camera.
Since her memorable dating project last September, a lot has happened. Aubrey has not only married the bachelor who received "the final rose" -- but she's also pregnant with their first child! And as for Erin and her crew? They had so much fun with Aubrey they decided to keep going, with more online "seasons" of The Mormon Bachelorette and The Mormon Bachelor. (They're just about to wrap up "season three" so you still have time to catch up and see who their new Bachelorette picks in the end!).
For now, here is Aubrey's side of what it was really like to be the first Mormon Bachelorette:

Tamara: What was it about your dating life that led you to doing something so dramatically different?

Aubrey: For me it was a matter of wanting to meet some new faces and go just plain GO ON DATES! I had recently applied to be on ABC’s The Bachelorette, ashamedly one of my favorite tv shows, and was asked back for another interview. It was then I realized that the show really wasn’t for me, an active-LDS return missionary with a strong testimony and desire to marry in the temple. I wanted to date an LDS guy, one who shared the same desires as me. So one night my friends and I decided to quit talking about starting our own Mormon version of The Bachelorette and just do it! Because of my love for the show (and because I was more single than I’d ever been) I was convinced by my friends to give it a shot and become the first Mormon Bachelorette.

Tamara: What were you hoping to get from your dating project experience?

Aubrey: In all honesty, I had really high hopes. I wanted The Mormon Bachelorette to lead me to someone that I could fall in love with and would someday take me to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. Whether he was one of my 22 dates, or someone that watched The Mormon Bachelorette and wanted to get to know me better. I realize how crazy that sounds, but there was something in my heart that told me this would lead me to something good.

Tamara: Yep, I can totally relate. How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?

Aubrey: On our website, we set up an online application for eligible LDS bachelors to fill out. Our staff (aka – my roommates) then kept everything anonymous to me as they screened each of the applicants, deciding who would be the best fit for a date with me.

Tamara: In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously? And how did you deal with those differences?

Aubrey: My month-long dating challenge was just that, a CHALLENGE! For an entire month my schedule consistedof working a full-time job Monday-Friday (and designing wedding flowers for brides on the weekends), fitting in my daily workout, getting ready, going on my date, coming home to hours of editing footage into a short film, writing about my experience and posting it on a blog before passing out sometime around 3 or 4 in the morning. I think most people would go insane with such a crazy schedule (and believe me, I did), but the one thing that kept me going was the knowledge that this project felt divinely inspired and I knew that only good would come of it.

Tamara: What was the most memorable part of your project?

Aubrey: Besides getting to marry the most amazing man in the world? Probably the opportunity to meet so many different people from all over the United States who were looking for love just like me! Just the simple act of a man reaching out to go on a date with me made me feel of such great worth and gave me a desire to encourage single guys everywhere to TAKE GIRLS ON DATES!

Tamara: Yes! Take them out! If you could go back, would you do it again? And if so, what would you do differently?

Aubrey: Heck yes! In fact, we have done it again for another deserving Bachelor and Bachelorette! Only this time we learned from the challenges of my “season” and realized we needed a delay before posting the dates to the website so that everyone has a chance to breath. Best decision we ever made!

Tamara: Did your dating project and the lessons you learned from it affect your relationship with Matt? And if so, how?

Aubrey: Matt and I have talked about this many times before and we’re both convinced that had it not been for The Mormon Bachelorette, we never would have dated. Before dating we had been in the same [congregation] for over a year, shared the same circle of friends, and apparently had considered asking me out before, but felt put-off by my agnostic attitude toward him (I should be ashamed). But the truth of the matter is, I was not interested in him because I simply did not know him. So given the opportunity to go out on a date, one-on-one, opened our eyes to something we never knew was there.

And there you have it. Congrats Aubrey and Matt - on your marriage and your expected addition!

Aren't you inspired to do your own dating project now? Maybe even just five dates in five days to see how it goes? Check out my nationwide dating challenge and let me know if you or your friends are interested. And just as a reminder, 31 Dates in 31 Days is not only on sale online (for a discounted $11.20) but it's already arriving in the mail (three weeks earlier than bookstores!).

Already??

2011-09-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

Kiersten + book = mommy's quiet time

You know how there's not really an English term for the people who are related to you but not totally because they're your in-law's siblings? I like to call them "out-laws."

Anyway, one of my outlaws, Kiersten, just posted this picture of her cozying up in her chair in Oklahoma.

I can't believe the book is already there. Amazon, you are fast. Not only are all of the online booksellers offering the book for a bargain price (less than $12!), they're also delivering the book to homes two weeks earlier than it arrives in bookstores. Amazing.

Now, if only there were a word in the English language to describe the feeling of me wanting to pee my pants with nervousness/excitement.

Tomorrow:
Interview #3 from our alumna who've done their own dating projects. On Thursday you'll meet the woman who turned her failed audition on The Bachelor into opportunity and created her own destiny with dating. I'm so excited to share her story that I can barely contain myself.

ALSO: I'm still issuing the challenge to you and your friends! Are you ready for a change in your love life? Do you dare to date differently?? Here are the details!

Interview #2: What it's really like to do 31 Dates - Q&A with Janelle

2011-09-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Janelle and I met right after my project ended in 2009 when she decided "31 Dates in 31 Days" was something she needed to do before wrapping up her 31st year. Well, okay the truth is, she wasn't exactly pumped when her friends suggested she should try my project. But then she breathed a little and figured, why not have fun with it?
Thus began her project, which she dubbed "Fun with 31" as a constant reminder that her goal was to change her dating life and have fun. Janelle is a red-headed nurse from Las Vegas. Through her project she not only had fun and learned a lot about men, dating, and herself, she also happened to meet a handsome guy named Josh who is now her husband. Pretty cool, right?

Without further ado, my conversation with Janelle.

Tam: What were you hoping to get from your dating project experience?

Janelle: Of course I wanted to find my husband! I would be lying if I said I didn’t. However, this is a pretty extreme way of trying to find him; so it took some convincing. There are probably two reasons I did it.

1) I am always up for an adventure and 2) I thought, maybe this could be good for me, make me learn to appreciate dating or at least have an adventure trying. I really hated dating, but I loved your positive take on all of your dates… that is probably what convinced me the most.

Tam: How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?

Janelle: It was hard! I will say that I was constantly trying to fill the calendar. I was looking for dates up until the last week. I asked everyone I knew to set me up with someone, even strangers at work, the store, or getting a massage. I let everyone know about it and asked/begged everyone. I really have to thank the sisters and SIL’s out there… they were my biggest help.

Tam: In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously? Was it "easier" or "harder" to date during your time with Fun with 31? How did you deal with those differences?

Janelle: I think dating during "Funwith31" was easier than normal dating. I had made it a priority and a focus and that right there makes a huge difference. Also, I was just having fun, I didn’t put any extra stress or worry on it, I was just going to have fun. Dating was SO much cooler that way! I wasn’t stressing about all the stuff that comes after the first date, I was just having fun getting to know different guys. Having a “friendly competition” amongst the guys was fun too, they really came up with some creative, fun dates!

Tam: What was the most memorable part of your project?

Janelle and Josh

Janelle: Seriously, meeting all the guys! There are some good guys out there that want a stable, loving relationship as much as us ladies. I loved getting to know them and all their quirks! And I really did have so much fun on their creative dates. I mean I did everything from hip hop dancing, to shooting, to geo-caching! It was awesome.

Second would be all the valuable lessons I learned during this project. [Which you can find linked here]

Tam: Would you do it again? And if so, what would you do differently?

Janelle: I would do this again, hands down!! It seriously has to have been some of the most fun I have ever had in my life…and I’ve done a lot of fun things! It was exhausting, yes…but a month full of adrenaline! I’m not sure I would’ve done anything differently…maybe hired a secretary to book my calendar for me! :) It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I would suggest anyone to do it!!

Tam: How did the dating project prepare you for your relationship with Josh?

Janelle: Oh, I STRONGLY believe that Funwith31 was necessary for Josh and I to work out! First off, I don't think the first date would've gone that well if he wasn't #31 (my final date). Before Funwith31, I felt like I used to play off of my date's personality. So if he was fun and outgoing, so was I; but if he was quiet, so was I. I really hated this about me and dating, because I considered myself a pretty genuine person (maybe it was an insecurity??).

But with Josh (who is quiet) being my final first date, I was: 1) so excited to be done that I couldn't be quiet if I wanted to and 2) really figuring out that I can truly be me on a date and that is okay. And my date would either like it or not, but it didn't have to change the way I acted. I had had so much fun just being me on all my other dates, I figured out this is really working.

Beyond the first date, I'm pretty sure Josh and I would've never dated that long had I not done Funwith31! Josh is very methodical and slow and I am spontaneous and impatient... quick to make decisions. But by the end of the project, I realized that dating is just trying to get to know someone better, and if you like what you are getting to know, you go on another date, and another and another...so it really calmed/slowed me down. It was perfect.

Tam: Did your experiences with the project have any effect on your marriage?

Janelle: As for any effect on marriage...on our mantle we have a portion of the quote that Josh gave me on our first date, "Only a person who RISKS is free" this has somewhat been a mantra for our dating/marriage. We try to take healthy risks and to live life to the fullest. We both have been able to date a lot and getting married a little later, we have a GREAT appreciation for each other. We cherish each other and the institution of marriage! (I hope that never leaves!!) I love this!

Thanks Janelle!

So, gentle reader, does this sound like a challenge you'd consider? What about just five dates in five days? Or 10 dates in two weeks? In October, I'm issuing a nationwide dating challenge in celebration of my book, 31 Dates in 31 Days. Apparently if you order it now through Amazon you'll not only get it for a discounted price (under $12 - that's less than a movie!) but you'll also get it a week or two earlier than your local bookstore. Crazy!

Interested in the book? Look here. Interested in the dating challenge? Email me at 31datesin31days@gmail.com

What it's Really Like Doing a Dating Project: Q&A With Bek from "Bek's 30 in 30"

2011-09-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

After I did my dating project, a bunch of men and women planned their own "31 Dates in 31 Days" types of projects. In anticipation of the release of my new book, some of those daring daters are sharing stories from their own adventures.So if you're considering being part of my dating challenge and taking on your own mini version of the 31 Dates, pay attention to these experts. They've lived and breathed the challenges of endurance dating and are here to tell their tales.

First up is Rebekah, who kicked off "Bek's 30 in 30" leading up to her 30th birthday. Bekah arranged to have 25 first dates followed by 5 second dates. She had a $30 limit on each date and learned that dating can offer a lot of fun adventures.
Her project, which ended earlier this year, was followed by a long list of second, third, fourth, fifth dates and so on. She lives in Bountiful, Utah, loves cooking, traveling, and hunting for the perfect pair of shoes.

Q: What were you hoping to gain from your dating project experience?

Bek: I was hoping to meet a lot of new guys and start dating someone special. Honestly, I thought it would be a start to a serious relationship. That's what I want.

Q: How did you manage to find so many people to go out with you?

Bek: My friends are awesome. Most of my dates were set-ups. I put the word out there over text and facebook that I needed dates and my friends came through for me. It was hard work though. I started "recruiting" a month in advance and by the time the first date came around I had enough guys. It's all about advertising and begging. :)

Q: In what ways did your dating project seem different from your dating life previously?

Bek: There were a few differences. The dates didn't seem that different other than the fact that I had a date every single night instead of once a month. But one of the big differences was that I made my friends set me up. I all but begged them to set me up. Wait - I take that back - I begged a couple of them.

Before my dating project, when a friend would say they wanted to set me up with someone, I would tell them okay and just let them do it if they really wanted to. Most of those dates never happened. So when I started talking about the dating project, I went to all of those friends and told them that now is the time to do it.

Q: What was the most memorable part of your project?

Bek: There were SO many fun things I did during this project. I'll tell you my top three: 1) Going to the shooting range with Tyler E. Talk about a rush! Loved it! 2) The treasure hunt with Jonathan. That was one of the most creative and awesome dates I have ever been on. 3) Night kayaking with Johnny. I can't even tell you how fun that was. 100% fun! I live really close to the pond and every time I drive by I think, I need to do that again!

Q: Would you do it again? And if so, what would you do differently?

Bek: I would DEFINITELY do it again. I went out with 25 amazing guys and had a great time with every single one of them. I would do something different though. I would take away the expectations. I really liked a bunch of the guys and I would have loved to get to know more of them. I had a hard time picking only 5 to go out on a second date. I think the most important thing I learned about myself during this project is that I like to take my time in getting to know someone. One or two dates is not enough time to decide if I want a relationship. It's definitely enough time to know if I want to see that person again, but I feel like I might have given myself too high of expectations. If I were to do it again, I would take out round two and only have first dates, then leave it open for a possibility with any of the guys.

Has Rebekah inspired you to do your own dating project? Check out the details of my dating challenge here!

American Dating versus International Courtship

2011-09-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

The other night I went to dinner with a couple of new friends, both of which are successful, beautiful women who've lived all over the world. One was French, married, and works as an international television producer. The other is American, single, beautiful, and happens to be a brilliant scientist who does work with NASA studying the possibility of life on Mars and such. In the midst of our fancy conversation, we turned the topic to dating.

"American dating is so strange," says Frenchie.
The scientist nods in agreement.
"How so?" I ask.

Frenchie then discusses the steps that Americans take in dating.

"In France, things are much more simple," she explains with hints of her gorgeous accent. "You meet someone at a party and there's no sense of trying to figure out if you're going to be with that person. You're just meeting them and maybe you'll be friends. Then maybe you go for coffee. Just coffee. And that doesn't mean you're with that person. Maybe you're just friends. No pressure. And then maybe you'll meet again and see where things happen."
"It's organic," I suggest.
"Yes, very," she says. "And there's just a friendship that develops. And eventually there is the kiss."
The scientist and I exchange a look, both seeming to want more information.
"That kiss," Frenchie says, "is so important. Once you kiss, that's the beginning. That means you're together. That's when things really start to happen and the relationship is established."

This led us to the comparison of American dating.
Frenchie mentioned how American men would ask her to meet for dinner and she - assuming that the meetup was simply a meetup - would immediately have an uncomfortable feeling when she arrived at a restaurant with low lighting and romantic music in the background. "They looked at me and thought I was the kind of person they'd want for a girlfriend, but how would they know that before they'd even gotten to know me?"

Her analysis has gotten me thinking about American dating and then tendency for many of us (at least it was for me) to be in such a mode of "searching" for someone that we miss the opportunity of really getting to know someone before deciding whether they're a perfect fit for us.
Could we learn something from the French? I mean, they did teach us how to kiss, right? Maybe they could teach us a little something about love and dating too.

31 Dates on My Doorstep

2011-09-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Check out what landed on my doorstep?

The very first copy of my book, off the printers! I imagine the printing press, with Gutenberg at the helm, carefully printing more copies of my story of heartbreak, recovery, and surprises. In just a few weeks, you can have your own in your hot little hands.
You can still pre-order the book, which will guarantee that you get it for under $12 (yep! less than a movie!). Once it goes "live" in October, the price will likely inch back up to its regular price.

In the meantime, I'm challenging all of you who are looking for a change in your dating life to take on your own abridged dating project. Are you or any of your friends up for it? Read the details here!

When Love Doesn't Look as You'd Imagined

2011-09-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, I spent a few months searching for a chandelier for my dining room. I'd had an idea of what I wanted: partially mounted, three pronged, gold-colored pendant lamp. I wanted something to reflect the feel of my first little home, which was cute, small, classic, and simple.
Something shaped kinda like this:

only way more simple.

Or maybe like this:

minus the fretwork.

Or this:

But in gold.

I went into dozens of stores filled with lights galore, each having its own beauty but not really feeling totally right. And then, one day, in a tiny store with just a couple dozen lights, I saw it, pictured on the side of a box and sitting on the lower shelf. It was priced just a little higher than I'd intended on spending - maybe ten or twenty dollars more - and it wasn't exactly as I'd imagined wanting. It had everything on my dream list: gold, three-pronged, pendant, cute, simple, reasonably priced. But even though I didn't have an exact image of "what it would look like" in my head, I wasn't really sure if that perfectly-seeming lamp would be "mine." It was all I'd wanted, fit my requests, but it somehow looked different than I'd expected. Maybe the prongs were thinner than I'd imagined. Or the gold was more shiny than I'd thought it would be. For fifteen minutes, I debated buying it, and eventually decided to go for it.

When I got home, I carefully unwrapped the glass globe from its bubble wrap, read the instructions, hit the breaker, and fiddled with the wires and hanging mount as I carefully attached the light to the ceiling. When I turned the electricity back on I curiously examined its presence beaming in my home. Its warm, delicate light bounced off the cozy walls and I knew, this was it. How had I doubted it so much?
As the years have gone by, I can't remember exactly what it was about that light that had me debating in the store for fifteen minutes. I can't imagine anything more perfect for me, for the room, for the house.


Doesn't it look great in here?

For me, many of my dreams have tricked me similarly. I've known what I wanted and dreamed of in my life, but when it comes time for the perfect fit to present itself, it doesn't really come in the exact packaging I'd expected. It's exactly as I'd wanted, but with maybe a few unexpected tweaks.

I often think about that ceiling light, still hanging in the dining room, awaiting a new homeowner to move into the house in a few weeks to decide whether she loves it as much as I do. And now, as I search for another lamp for my next dining room in my new home, all I can wonder is - how in the world will I ever find anything as perfect as that one was?

Considering the 31 Dates Challenge?

2011-09-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

In just a few weeks, I'll be celebrating the release of my book, 31 Dates in 31 Days. As a celebration, I'm kicking off a nationwide dating challenge: Do Your Own "mini-31 Dates."

Are you tired of your dating (or lack of dating) life? Are you looking for a new way to approach first dates? Looking to kick start your love life? Are you hoping to meet new people? Or are you simply hoping to get to know more about your city?

Some of you have already contacted me about the challenge and want to know more. There is no limit to the number of people who can take the challenge, although I will want to profile those taking the challenge here on my website throughout the month of October (31 days!).

Here are some details:

*What exactly is the challenge?
The challenge is based on the dating project I created, 31 Dates in 31 Days. This focuses on first dates, setting aside your old mindsets, meeting new people and experiencing new adventures in your city. While you can book your calendar for all 31 dates, I'm suggesting a mini version, such as five dates in five days or 10 dates in two weeks. My big suggestion would be, if you think you can only do three days in three days, push further. Shoot for a higher number of dates than you're thinking AND try to clump them closer together. There are a slew of reasons for this, but mostly the reasoning is two-fold. One, I'm a firm believer that we can push ourselves just a tad bit further than we're giving ourselves credit. Those are the moments when we become truly teachable. And two, the closer you schedule the dates together, the less likely you are to get hung up on your most recent date. The tighter your schedule, the easier it'll be to compare your experiences on date #1 to date #2. This will keep everything fresh, helping you learn more about your own dating habits.
Take a look at your schedule and think about what's realistic. How busy is your September and October? And don't sell yourself short: you can do this!

*How will I get that many people to go out with me?
First, I will help you. Second, ask your friends to help. And third, use the project as an excuse to invite someone on a date. This approach takes the focus off of you and places it on something else. This could be the time to go out with someone you'd never imagine dating. Or it could be the excuse to ask out that one person you've been crushing on.
It's important to remember that this project is not necessarily about finding five potential mates for five dates, this is about re-setting your current dating trends and attitudes. Instead of making one of those infamous "lists" about your ideal date, compile a list of standard boundaries to keep you in a safe and open setting.

Here were my rules:
   *Each date will cost less than $31
   *Each date must last at least 31 minutes
   *Dates will take place in a public setting
   *No drugs
   *No alcohol
   *No married men
   *Some dates will be with friends
   *Some dates will be with strangers
   *Some will be setups

A lot of thought went into my rules. There's a very well-calculated method behind the madness, so if you don't want the long explanation for my rules, just trust the system. To totally understand the reasoning, you'd have to read the book. After all, it took the entire project, plus the two years of writing the book and analyzing everything for me to realize "what worked" for me.
If you still want further explanation, feel free to ask, I'm happy to be chatty and give you a very abridged version.

Have I inspired you? Scared you? (Totally not my intention!) Do you dare to date differently? Email me at 31datesin31days@gmail.com and I'll help get you started!

As for the book, it's on sale at a discounted price until it hits the stores. Right now you can get it for under $12 (less than a movie!). Here's the link to the book on Amazon.

Thanks for celebrating!

What Do Your Celebrity Crushes Say About You?

2011-08-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

One of my friends is embarrassed to reveal her celebrity crush from high school. "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," she says. But I can't remember mine. Maybe it was Chris O'Donnell or some other handsome blue-eyed baby-faced actor.

That's Ricky in the yellow shirt. So cute!

Maybe I've etched those high school crushes out of my mind and replaced them with the psycho-babble I've been telling myself about my very first celebrity crushes.
In Kindergarten, it was Ricky Martin. From Menudo. I would keep stickers of Ricky and his Menudo boy-band members in my sticker book, appropriately marked with pink-inked hearts from my stamp collection and crooked letters attempting to spell out his name R-I-C-K-Y as if every written letter drew him closer to me.

pretty sure i had this hanging on my wall

Of course, I had no idea back then that he would come out of the closet. Back then he was just the cutest boy I'd ever seen.

Then it was George Michael. I've tried to justify this crush-on-a-gay-man by saying it wasn't just George Michael -- I also adored his Wham! bandmate, Andrew Ridgeley. Who apparently is straight. Not that anyone knew that at the time.

Does he look like Tiffany? Wearing a Debbie Gibson hat?

But all my attempts at trying to make myself sound like I wasn't just head-over-heels for gay men is thwarted for the die-hard crush I had in second grade.
Boy George.

Why was I crushing on gay men? And what does that say about me? Does my current crush for Taye Diggs make up for my elementary school lack of gay-dar? I mean, my crush has been constant since he helped Stella get her groove back.

As for my friend who's embarrassed about her own celebrity crush? She says she swooned over Neil Young in high school. Yep. No Brad Pitt. No George Clooney. Instead she longed for a man with soul. Someone whose words and music would serenade her forever.
Totally makes sense to me.

Who was your most memorable celebrity crush?

And don't forget, I'm looking for singles daring to do a dating challenge! Email me!

{Picture source: Menudo Wham! Boy George Taye Diggs Neil Young}

CALL FOR ENTRY: Your own "31 Dates" Project

2011-08-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

In celebration of the release of my forthcoming book, 31 DATES IN 31 DAYS, I'm setting up a challenge for those of you daring to date differently. Are you or someone you know ready for their own dating project? Five dates in five days? Twenty dates in a month? Whatever time frame works best for you, let's fit in a new way to date. This is not necessarily about finding your true love (although it could happen!); it's about trying something new. You in?

Throughout the month of October, I'll be checking in with the guys and gals who take on this dating challenge. I will help you along the way, all the way from finding people to fill the calendar to scheduling plans.
Interested? Email me at 31datesin31days@gmail.com and I'll help get you started!

What No One Told Me Before I Got Married

2011-08-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

After reading the latest scientific study on marriage and weight gain, I decided to dust off an old blog post that's been hiding in my "drafts" file, too embarrassed to crawl out and share itself with the world. I wrote the entry a year ago (September 2010 -- eight months after my wedding) but wasn't ready to publicly express my feelings. Today I'm feeling much better, so I think I'm ready to pull out this old "diary entry" and share a bit.

Husband and I were engaged for just a few months before we moved across the country and were married. During all that time of packing boxes, quitting my job, booking caterers/photographers/venues/flowers, and having the general pre-wedding craziness, there was also talk about what life was going to be like AFTER the wedding.

I was going to adjust to a new home, a new career path, a new life with a new man, and even a new name. I felt as if I were entering the Witness Protection Program. It seemed ridiculous to feel sorry for myself when all of my changes were really good changes. But still, change is change. It takes time to get settled and I knew the major life alterations would soon hit me hard. I knew I would eventually freak out about my instant bulk of life changes. My groom was probably going to have to deal with my insanity once the dust from our fairy tale wedding settled.
I predicted I would have some sort of identity crisis around six weeks after our wedding.
I did. I just didn't expect that crisis to last several months.

I still don't really know my new name. I'm still not quite sure about my new career path. I still don't understand the constant sunny weather of Los Angeles (oh Fall, how I miss you!). But what I did not expect is the biggest change of all -- being BIG.

Similar to the Freshman 15, I've been granted the growing Post-Wedding Waistline. This expanded way of living is new to me. I quickly went from being the tiny girl who pranced around on her wedding day to a bigger model. I cry about how my pants no longer fit. I donate all my old cute clothes, assuming my days of being the skinny girl are over.
Whenever I admit this weight gain to my married friends, they get it. "Oh I know," they say, "that's totally how it was for me!"
Well then why didn't you warn me?? I could have invested in plenty of pants with elastic waistbands before?

I've heard all the reasons. Apparently this is my "happy weight" since I can now "let it all go." There are even studies that say couples who are married or living together tend to be more chubby than their single friends.

I guess this makes sense. There are plenty of times in my life where a breakup always ended up being an unexpected diet plan. Now that I'm paired up, I'm happily enjoying my husband's skills in the kitchen (I never cooked when I was single) and adopting new eating habits (mine plus his, so maybe I'm eating twice as much).

My sweet husband adapted so easily to our new life together. And he's been oh-so-sweet and patient with my adjusting. And now, we're are blissfully inviting some healthier habits into our home. Oh how I will miss daily desserts.

Marriage Makes You Fat

2011-08-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

Just a few days ago, the scientific world was deeming a life of singlehood as an early death sentence. Now, the scientists are reminding me of something that my scale and I have been dealing with over the last 19 months: Marriage is now scientifically proven to make women fat.

Are those the options now? Die single young or live life fat and married? Scientists, why do you pigeon-hole my future based on my marital status?

Post-wedding weight gain is one of those secrets married people hide from their single friends. At least my friends did.
For me, the weight gain hit hard only a month or two after our wedding. I'd moved across the country from walk-everywhere-New York City to keep-your-butt-in-the-driver's-seat Los Angeles. I began writing more. I worked from a home office. I had few friends so I spent a lot of time alone. And I went on the pill.
All of a sudden, I noticed the size 2 jeans in my drawer remained untouched. They laid a little too perfectly in my drawer, looking like they were freshly pressed and ready for sale at The Gap. They'd been replaced by bigger sizes of pants and became the long-lost cousin of my now-preferred yoga pants. I thought I would somehow quickly lose the pounds. I refused to buy bigger pants, thinking somehow my body would readjust to its "natural size." It didn't.
Fast forward to today. I still love my yoga pants. I've finally made my way back to the gym. I have some friends now. It's all good.

What do you think? Does marriage make people gain weight? Is this a reality you're willing to accept?

Is "Single" Really a Symptom for an Early Death?

2011-08-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

I almost choked on my Cheerios when I read this headline this morning:

Single people may die younger, new study finds

Seriously?? That's what we're telling people now? I could hear my still-bruised-former-single-soul screaming, "Great, first you're telling people they'll die alone. Now you're saying they'll also die young."

Are studies like this really necessary? What good are they doing?

This particular study compares people who have never married to people who remained married for a very long time. It left out the widowed and divorced altogether. Apparently it says that in the worst case scenario, single men can die 17 years younger than their married counterparts. For women, it's 15 years.

So what about the flip side of this study? What about all those people who have been unhappily married for 60 years and are just praying that they die? Is this study bad news for them too?

One of the critics of the study and others like these is social psychologist Bella DePaulo, who thinks there's a general bias against single people in our society. What do you think?

(In other news, I'll have a big announcement coming up next week for all you singles. And no, it has nothing to do with dying. Can't wait to tell you!)

Do Boys and Girls Ever Grow Up?

2011-07-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

"When it comes to women, all men are 13-year-old boys."

- Keith, my stepdad

My husband just forwarded this video my way, showing that men and women might really just be big kids. First, a quick story.

A few years ago, I had a revelation at my oldest nephew's 10-year-old birthday party. He and his friends had been busy eating gobs of candy and handfuls of cake. None of them noticed - or cared about - the smears of dyed sugar on their faces. Most looked generally unkempt, no matter the struggle their mothers had gone to make them appear as handsome young men.

They stood around the computer, where one boy played a game and the rest watched intensely and silently.

It was then that I recalled similar scenes with men watching video games, football games, television shows. "These boys," I thought, "just stay the same forever! They just get taller."

And now here's that cute video. Enjoy!

Even more 31 Dates DIYers!

2011-05-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

One more daring dater takes on a 31-Dates style project! This time, the lucky person is Brooke Ryan, an on-air personality at my hometown radio station, Washington DC's Mix 107.3. Wishing her the best of luck on her journey!
This is her second stab at the project. Can you believe it? What endurance!

There have been so many unexpected love stories from this (including my own!), and I'm so excited one more person is throwing herself into the project. Okay, so it's not like the point of my project was to find a dude (my whole hope was to get over heartache and to - oddly enough - somehow get over guys), but how fun is it that a silly project can change perspective and help lead a person to someone so awesome?

And I'm not the only one who's ended up with a permanent partner. Remember Janelle? She and Josh (aka. "Date 31" of her project) got married a couple months ago. So awesome. Janelle wasn't so sure how her project would end up, and I love how she was over-the-top surprised when she and Josh ended up together.

After I started my project in 2009, my good friend, John Canzano used his radio show, The Bald-Faced Truth on Portland, Oregon's 95.5FM to set up his buddy Kevin on 5 dates in 5 days. Among the lucky ladies Kevin was hooked up with was Deb Blake, a hot single mom (who happens to be big sis to Lakers' guard Steve Blake). Kevin was just looking for a date for Valentine's Day. But when I finally met Deb in person last Summer, she announced that she and Kevin are engaged to be wed! Can't wait for their nuptials this Fall!

Also on the list of married couples is the daring Mormon Bachelorette, Aubrey and her handsome new husband, Matt. (How cute are they?!) Aubrey was the very first Mormon Bachelorette, which is a mix of the famous Bachelor tv show and my 31 Dates project, plus a whole bunch of single Mormons. You can watch the journeys of the bachelors and bachelorettes online in a series of well-produced webisodes. At the helm is hottie executive producer, Erin Elton, who's in the midst of the search for the very next bachelorette. Good luck to the lucky lady chosen!

And just because I feel like it, here's a picture of me and my sweet husband, post-engagement, in New York. I love that picture, courtesy of my sister-in-law, Malia Johnson.

For those of you continuing your own dating adventures these days, keep having fun and don't give up hope! There is so much fun to be had! I truly believe every person we come across can teach us something, so thank you to each of you for the great lessons you've taught me so far in life.

Good luck Brooke on your journey! Hope the second time around is just as fun as the first!

photo sources 1, 2, 3

All Hail the Crush

2011-04-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

I swear, if it weren't for Duane Garland, I would probably be illiterate.

On the very first day of first grade, we were told to get in groups of six and do our best to read a small excerpt of The Weekly Reader. Those who could read well would be taken out of our classroom and moved down the hall to a new class that would combine first and second grade students.
My crush on Duane from Kindergarten had outlasted the Summer. Somehow my short attention span was outwitted by his blond hair, his blue eyes, and his quiet, mysterious demeanor.
One by one, our group read the excerpt allowed, each kid perfectly pronouncing the words on the page. How did they all know how to read so well? How was it that I was the only one who had no idea how to link words into an entire sentence?
The laminated piece of paper was passed to me. I held it close to my face so no one could see the worry in my eyes. I uttered the only words I knew: "and"... "the"... "cat." It was useless.
Small tears crept up into the sides of my eyes and I feared that Duane would know the truth: I couldn't read.
After a few attempts to combine syllables into words, Duane grew impatient. "You need to read it out LOUD," he said before being shushed by the teacher monitoring our group.
I defended my struggle. "I'm reading silently to myself."

That afternoon Duane was moved to the smart kids' class. I stayed with the group of non-readers.

Over the next few months, I made learning how to read my mission. There was no way - of all people - Duane Garland was going to think that I was a dumb girl who cried at the sight of words. I sat up late at night reading books, studying spelling, and asking my parents to quiz me.
By Winter I had sped past the reading levels of the rest of my classmates. When it came to "reading time," I would walk down the hall to the smart kids' class and read with them. Every Tuesday, I felt bliss as my handsome blue-eyed escort would come to the door and would utter my name, requesting my presence. Storytime awaited us.
We would walk together, fifty kid-sized steps down the hall in silence as I would write the story of our loving future together. I read as many books as possible during our reading time, absorbing every newly discovered word, just so I could spend time sitting next to Duane before we made our silent journey back to my classroom.
I worked so hard that I managed to advance to the strongest reader in our group.

There have been many times in my life when I wondered what the point was in having a crush on someone. For weeks, months, or even years, my heart would canter at the very thought of a certain boy. I would hope he would look at me, breathe on me, accidentally bump into me. And why would I invest so much in unrequited love? What was its purpose other than ending up crushed?

Whenever any of my crushes turned into something romantically plausible, I would end up disappointed that my fantasy of perfection wasn't true. Why couldn't they all be like Duane Garland? He was unattainable and yet so extraordinary in what he'd done for me.
But crushes were sometimes the very reason for my existence. Crushes ended up being the main reason why I got up to go to school everyday. Or to church. Eventually, crushes were the main reason why I showered or shaved my legs. The sheer hope of a boy noticing me noticing him somehow convinced me to be a participant in life until I finally found my own desires to do, well, anything.

Today I celebrate my crushes. For teaching me to push myself further. For getting me where I needed to be. And for helping me learn how to continue reaching for seemingly unattainable possibilities.

More Moms Have Kids with Different Dads

2011-04-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

It turns out that more American women are having kids with multiple fathers. A new, extensive study from Cassandra Dorius, PhD, who's a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, takes a close look at families and fertility.
When it comes to women with two or more children, 28% of them had children with at least two different fathers. Dorius says the pattern - which she calls multiple partner fertility - spans across all racial, economic, and educational levels. It also spreads across family structures, from married, to divorced, to single parents.

Dorius discovered her findings while analyzing data from 4,000 women interviewed for the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth. Those women were first interviewed in 1979 when they were 14 to 22 years old and were interviewed more than 20 times over the following 27 years. Apparently the women who had children with more than one man ended up having more children than they had considered "ideal" when they were first interviewed.

According to a news release, Dorius said, "Raising children who have different fathers is a major factor in the intergenerational transmission of disadvantage. Juggling all of the different needs and demands of fathers in at least two households, four or more pairs of grandparents, and two or more children, creates a huge set of chronic stressors that families have to deal with for decades."

Dorius presented her findings on April 1st at the annual Population Association of America meeting in Washington, DC.

Scientific Proof: When Mama Ain't Happy, Nobody's Happy

2011-03-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that someone's depression can drastically affect intimate relationships. Now, scientists are identifying specific ways depression can impact a relationship -- especially when the woman is the one with the blues.
A new study that will be be published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, shows that depression can actually hinder someone's ability to empathize, which only accentuates feelings of alienation and depression.
The three Israeli researchers who conducted the study - Reuma Gadassi and Nilly Mor at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and Eshkol Rafaeli at Bar-Ilan University - were also curious how gender played a role. What they found was something they call the "partner effect.” Gadassi, a psychology graduate student, said, “Women’s depression affects their own [empathetic] accuracy. But it also affected their partner’s accuracy."

The researchers studied 50 couples. First, they each answered a questionnaire about levels of personal depression. Then, the couples' discussions were videotaped. The couples watched the tapes and analyzed the thoughts, feelings, and expressions of themselves and their partners.
After that, each participant kept a journal listing their moods, feelings, and assessed their own thoughts about their partner's moods.

What the researchers found was that the more depressed the female was, the less likely she was to accurately guess her partner's feelings. Not only that, her partner also became less empathetic.

However, when the male was depressed, it didn't seem to affect his own "empathetic accuracy."

So the researchers believe a woman's depression actually has a greater impact on both individuals in the relationship.
"You can’t understand depression without taking account of gender,” said Gadassi. “Bringing only the depressed woman into therapy is not enough,” she says. “You really have to have both partners in the room."

A Blinde Date With... Her Brother

2011-03-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

Remember that scene from "You've Got Mail" when Joe Fox shows up for a date at Cafe Lalo (my favorite dessert spot in NYC) and, low and behold, discovers it's his bookstore nemesis, Kathleen Kelly?

Sarah Kemp and George Bentley, 2011

Or the scene from "Must Love Dogs" when Diane Lane shows up on a blind date to meet (gasp!) her own father?!

Now for the real life version, which is even more crazy.
Last week, two unassuming singles decided to finally step up their correspondence from the web to the real world. Sarah Kemp, who lives in Edinburgh, Scotland, drove all the way to London to meet George Bentley. They began emailing last November.

When the two met in person last week, it took less than an hour to realize they were actually siblings, estranged for more than 30 years.

As if blind dates weren't awkward enough.

Here's the background.
Kemp, 42, and Bentley, 47, were separated when their parents divorced in 1975. Kemp went with their mother to Scotland while Bentley stayed in England with their father.
In 1989, Sarah married. Although she divorced a year later, she kept her ex-husband's last name, Kemp, making it difficult for George, who was searching for his sister, "Sarah Bentley."


Sarah and George as children

"To meet your long-lost brother, in a bar, after over 30 years would be something by itself," Kemp said. "But to meet him in those circumstances -- on a date, for crying out loud -- really is something else. We obviously had far more in common than first thought," Kemp told Scotland's Daily Record.

"It was such a crazy thing. We had so much in common, and we really enjoyed each other's company. It was as if we'd known each other all our lives."

Welllll... yeah.

{source 1, 2}

Relationship Status: Imaginary

2011-03-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

A new company touting that "The easiest way to get a girlfriend is to already have one" will soon offer a social network service like none other: outsourcing a girlfriend. The site is called Cloud Girlfriend and essentially, it gives a guy a virtual girlfriend. According to website founder David Fuhriman's Twitter account, "cloudgirlfriend.com ...is a site that helps people have a fake girlfriend on Facebook." Essentially, the site helps all those guys who claim they have a hot girlfriend in Canada.

So here's how Cloud Girlfriend works. Guys pay the company to create a Facebook profile of a seemingly "perfect girlfriend" who will virtually interact with the guy as if she's his girlfriend in real life. Fuhriman promises the virtual girlfriends are "not bots" but "real people," and, as he mentioned to the website Quora, "The right virtual girlfriend can be just like having a real long-distance girlfriend, without the hassles."

Real girls, pretending to be someone else, appearing interested in a guy who can't get a girlfriend.

Fuhriman insists this service won't include sex chats or pornography. Instead, it's just a new way of making a guy appear more loveable, helping him gain a higher social perception among his friends, and hopefully will help him gain confidence - and attention - to gain a real girlfriend. Fuhriman told Business Insider that, "The service is therapeutic because it fulfills a man's psychological, emotional needs, and builds his self-confidence. It can also help them navigate real-life situations."

The website hasn't even launched yet and it's already notifying potential customers of the "high demand" is limiting their number of site users. Is this the new social media version of 1-900 numbers? Will it really help guys get the attention they want in real life?

{image}

Science Now Backs Broken Hearts: Proof That Love Hurts

2011-03-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt so heartbroken you thought dying would feel better? Cried so hard over the pain you couldn't breathe? Felt your heart actually ache? (Please don't tell me I'm the only one.)

Scientists have discovered that our brains react to heartbreak the same way it reacts to physical pain. In fact, just thinking about that heartache can show up in an fMRI.

The findings come from a study that was published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Scientists from around the country looked at scans from 40 lovelorn New Yorkers. When the participants thought about their exes, two spots in the brain (the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula) became active -- the same spots that were active when participants were exposed to a high source of heat similar to an extremely hot cup of coffee. The study's conclusion? Emotional pain is somehow linked to physical pain.

This discovery could be the first step toward understanding how to better treat people suffering from heartache. The scientists who led the study now wonder if treatment of physical pain could somehow reduce emotional pain.

Breakups can trigger all sorts of physical reactions: crying, jittery nerves, eye twitching, and that horrible aching feeling in the chest. For years, anthropoligist Dr. Helen Fisher, who studies love and the brain, says people release high levels of dopamine and cortisol after breakups -- which causes frantic reactions and, for some, embarrassing efforts to get the attention of their lost love. The high dopamine levels (which are also found when someone falls in love or is on cocaine) can cause jilted lovers to appear crazy (think "Fatal Attraction). As those levels of dopamine drop, many people wind up dealing with heart attacks, stroke, depression and some even resort to suicide. Yes, it's true -- you really can die from a broken heart.

How a person recovers from a broken heart varies, and much of it depends on the way a person was raised or how they've dealt with grief in the past. But as we gain more insight into how the human mind and body respond to heartbreak, we may find more than just "time" to heal our wounds.

{sources: 1, 2, 3}

Bek's 30th

2011-03-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I get lovely, inquiring emails from guys and girls who want to start a dating project similar to mine and are looking for some advice. They each have their own intentions ("I want to date more," "I want to meet someone to marry," "my friends are daring me"...) and thus, they each have a unique program they've set up for themselves.
Rebekah - who turns 30 in a couple weeks - is in the midst of her 30 dates in 30 days journey. She's a sweet girl and seems to be having lots of fun so far! Happy almost birthday Bek!

A Letter to a Dear Friend

2011-03-12T19:10:00.001-08:00

Dear Facebook,
I think we need to talk. I think we need to take a break.
It's not you. It's me.

For the last two years, we've been nearly inseparable, spending every waking moment together. I just need some space.
When we first met, I wasn't so sure how I'd feel about you. I wasn't ready to commit. I didn't tell you all about myself.
But it wasn't long before I found myself telling you everything -- my employment history, my interests, my favorite movies, books, and even confessing my obsession for hot chocolate. And now, I'm wholly consumed in your everything. I'm obsessed with you. And I can't help but feel as if our relationship isn't equally balanced.

There are days when my time with you actually ends up making me feel bad about myself. I see all the beautiful girls who throw themselves at you and can't help but compare myself to them. I spend time looking at all the people you know and realize that they're way more awesome than I am. They take better pictures, they find the most mundane activities entertaining, and they have more friends than I do.
Another problem? You're friends with ALL my ex-boyfriends. How does that happen? How can you and I remain having something so special when you spend just as much time with all of them?
And I know you do, because I see you. Yeah. ALL the time. Even in those moments you don't think we're together, I'm always watching you, lurking over every other relationship you're so blatantly cultivating without any regret. How could you?

And who have I become? I spend so much time worrying about you that I haven't had any time to really invest in myself. So I'm going to do my best to give you up for Lent.
I know, I know. My "religious views" aren't Catholic. But does that really matter? It's not that I want to break up with you. I'm just asking for a little break. Some time to myself. To regroup. To remember all the good times we had together.
And then, I promise, I'll be back. And will likely be obsessing over you once again.

Will you miss me as much as I'll miss you?

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T10:56:00.001-08:00

How do you celebrate today's commercialization of Cupid? Is this a day you would rather forget? Or are you grateful that you have one special day to share your love with the world?

Valentine's Day has always been a big day for my mom. My grandmother used to make special presents for her daughters, and my mom has since passed along the tradition to me and my brother. It's sweet.

This always seems like a tricky day for every other relationship. Whether single, divorced, dating, married, just friends, or are hoping to be something more, this manufactured holiday can put some people's heads into a tailspin. Are you one of them?

This year my husband decided to put a spin on getting me flowers.Of course, nothing that I get him will compare to receiving the bike I've been wanting for the last six months.
I know, I know. "It's not a competition." But Valentine's Day, why do you always seem to make me feel like it is? Wasn't my self-conducted 31 Dates' "competition" for a Valentine 's Day date proof that you have such a strong power over me??

Today I'll have to find a way to step away from the computer and find a way to spoil myself a bit. I think I hear that cupcake place calling my name. I mean, after all, this is supposed to be a day about love. And I love cupcakes.
Will you be doing the same? If nothing else, please don't allow today's overflowing burden of gift-giving and love-declaring to be a reason to hate on yourself. I have no idea what you're wearing today, but I can almost guarantee, hating yourself just doesn't match. But maybe a yummy cupcake will...

{image}

Best (and worst) Valentine's Day movies

2011-02-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

In my mind, Valentine's Day has always been a perfect day to watch some of the greatest romantic movies. On some occasions I would have a companion by my side. Sometimes that companion was my dog. Other times, my girlfriends would sit close by and pass me the tissues and ice cream. It's a nice little tradition.
Here's a list of movies to consider watching this weekend, depending on your mood this Valentine's season.

Great romantic movies for any day of the year:

When Harry Met Sally

Love Actually

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Sleepless in Seattle

Say Anything

Classics:

Casablanca

Love Story

Sabrina

The Philadelphia Story

Gone With the Wind

High tissue count:

The Notebook

Pride and Prejudice

An Affair to Remember

Movies with a high Cinderella factor:

Pretty Woman

Enchanted

Dirty Dancing

Forbidden Love:

Titanic

The Princess Bride

Shakespeare in Love

Romeo and Juliet

Romantic Comedies I'm not embarrassed to love:

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Bridget Jones's Diary

Romantic movies of another dimension:

Somewhere in Time

Ghost

Dead Again

Movies for the lovelorn:

500 Days of Summer

The Breakup

Worst movies for any date:

Fatal Attraction

Blue Valentine

Sleeping With the Enemy

What's Love Got to Do With It

The Accused

What movies will you be watching this weekend?

images (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

One Year Later...

2011-02-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

As my husband and I recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary, I couldn't help but think of how things have changed in my life in just one year's time.
Make that two years.

Our anniversary weekend also marked the second anniversary of the launch of my life-changing dating project. I miraculously met a bunch of amazing men who opened my eyes to the greater benefits of dating and love, and somehow I ended up meeting one guy who seemed to be "the kind of guy I would marry."
A year goes by and I become Mrs. Johnson.

As our wedding day approached, I quit my job, packed my NYC apartment, moved across the country, and predicted some sort of nervous breakdown would occur a few weeks after the wedding. It pretty much did. I had somewhat of a major identity crisis. And it lasted... a few months. Or maybe I'm still going through it. I'm not sure.
I dealt myself a bunch of major changes quickly: walking away from my career, flying away from my city, moving in with a boy, becoming "Mrs." So-n-So, and changing my name. Such a doozy.
Change is fast. Transition is slow.

Anniversaries can serve as great moments to reflect how far we've come, to forgive ourselves for not coming further than we'd hoped, and to give ourselves a little bit of a clean slate.

It's also a nice excuse to go on vacation.

images 1, 2, and 3 taken by MegRuth Phototgraphy